[Dan and Elise are at a cabin together]
[takes a sip of his hot chocolate] Man, this is peaceful. [breaks his drink] I hate it.
No TV, no cell phone service, no thank you! You can take a cab home. I'm getting out of here right now. [opens the door as snow falls] What's this nonsense?
Looks like a blizzard. Which means Chris is stranded with a bunch of strangers and I'm stuck here with you.
A blizzard? You think a bunch of flakey water is gonna stop ME? [closes the door but opens again as he gets icicles on his nose] OK. I've got icicles in my nose.
I told you, the only thing you can do with a storm like this is wait it out. And by these look of these clouds, it could be a while. Maybe even all night.
All night? Oh no. No, no, no, no. I agreed to try skiing, I agreed to sip your cocoa, I even let you tie me up and gag me, but there is no way, and I mean NO WAY, I am staying in this meat locker for an entire night! [he wakes up from the chair and gets the keys] So long, Elise. I hope you choke on a big pile of- [opens the door and finds out that snow is coming from outside] Snow!
MMan
Which one of you is Dan?
Who wants to know?! The trilateral commission? Freemasons? [gets a paper about jury duty thrown on his face]
MMan
L.A. Superior Court, buddy. You've been served.
MMan
We tried to notify you by mail, but you never responded.
I don't open mail from the government. That's what they want you to do.
MMan
We'll see you in court. [walks away]
But my friends and I need to drive around until we find the aliens that abducted me! We have to make them pay for what they did! Whatever it was, I'm sure it wasn't pleasant.
MMan
You show up for jury duty, or you go to jail. Your choice.
Dan has to perform his civic duty!
Don't worry Dan. Elise and I will drive you.
MMan
Elise? You're Elise?
DEDan and Elise
[yelling] JURY DUTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Your honor, I am also in the process of giving birth. And I'm also emotionally fragile, having been recently abducted by aliens. [cut to Dan being locked in a hamster cage] Alternate juror? That's even worse! I still have to be here, but I can't send anyone to prison!
CCrunch
I'm just happy to be of service to my community. By the way, that's Olaf. He doesn't speak any English.
Then how do you know what his name is?
CCrunch
Oh I'm like, totally fluent in Danish. Anyway, Olaf isn't even a juror. He wandered in by mistake when he was looking for the bathroom.
I'm tunneling out. [he digs down under the cage until he gets hit at the bottom]
CCrunch
Don't go yet, bro-face. They're supposed to give us food pellets in like an hour.
[pops up] Useless! Under the layer of newspaper there's just more bars.
JJudge
Has the jury selected a foreman?
We have, your honor. It's me.
[Elise sighs]
[whisper-yelling] CHRIS! Hey, Chris! You've got to bust me out of here.
I'm not "busting you out" of jury duty.
Just go to my apartment, all right?! In my closet, you'll find a a plastic gun, a block of thermite, a wig, makeup, petroleum jelly-
But sadly, no clean clothes.
JJudge
[clank clank] Are you trying to influence one of my jurors, or just disturbing the proceedings?
Uh, the second one? [gets kicked out of the court] I'll just wait out here, then.
Where did all these farmers' markets come from, anyway? And what are all those things they're selling?
They're called vegetables, Dan. You should try them sometime.
What about me makes you think I'd have any interest in eating vegetables!
If I want something sweet, I'll have candy. Like an adult.
Look, you can't live on just hamburgers and turkey sandwiches, Dan. It's not healthy.
I'll have you know my grandfather lived to be a hundred and 8.
Oh? Did he eat only meat and bread, as well?
No, but he MINDED HIS OWN BUSINESS! [he realizes that Burgerphile serves broccoli instead of fries] What on God's green earth is that thing? You stay back, deviant! Get away from me!
Oh, right! I read about this. In an effort to be more healthy, this month they're replacing the french fries with a different vegetable every week. This week's broccoli-palooza.
Come on, we're going to another Burgerphile.
Uh, no, it's ALL Burgerphiles. Everywhere. [Dan knocks down a plate of broccoli and heads out]
VEGETABLLLLLLLLLLLES!!!!!!!
This has been so much fun. We really should get hold of devastatingly toxic chemicals more often.
I am rather enjoying myself. Where to next?
There's one last broccoli farm left in the greater Los Angeles area. We take that out, they'll HAVE to serve fries at Burgerphile again.
[both vehicles stop in the middle of road]
Dan! [comes out from the car and confronts him for taking her ID] You are a dead man!
[comes out from the truck] Okay, before you start in on one of your irrational "You-took-my-ID-a and-used-it-to-steal-weapons-grade-def foliants-from-the army," let's take a moment to think about what's really important. Friendship. [Elise punches him] Ow! Jerk!
It's in the truck! Go ahead and take it, I don't need it any more anyway. I only have one more farm to destroy and then I'm done. For now.
I'm taking the defoliant back, too.
But the last broccoli farm!
Let it be a lesson to you. If Chris wasn't involved, I'd have you arrested for high treason!
In that case, I'm glad Chris is involved.
[angrily gets in the truck and sees Chris hiding] And you! You're not hiding!
First off, let me say I'm sorry. Second, let me say I don't know what I'm apologizing for.
We will talk about it at home.
Uh, you didn't leave the keys in the car, did you?
[Dan takes the car and drives away offscreen]
Dan! Get back here! Let's get after him.
He has the keys to the truck, too.
[after Dan's car got crashed]
[sees his car destroyed] You did not.
TGTerrifi-Guy
My bad, citizen.
BAD?! The Bubonic Plague was "bad"! THIS IS AN ATROCITY!
TGTerrifi-Guy
Not to worry. Most insurance covers superhero-related damages. [flies away]
I don't have insurance! Get back here! SUPERHEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[Elise steps into the garage to spot Dan and Chris as Batman and Robin Expies, Chris awkwardly crosses his legs, and she bursts into laughter]
[in hysterics] Actually, you know what? Never mind! I'd rather be surprised when I watch the news! [leaves]
Great. Now Elise thinks I'm an idiot.
[Terrifi-Guy crashes into Elise's garage full of hot sauce]
Wait, how did a car accent hurt him?
It wasn't the car accident. I've covered your entire garage in hot sauce!
Yeah, it's his only weakness for some reason. Now let's kick him while he's down!
There are other places you could put hot sauce! Like your apartment! Or a park! Or a hot sauce factory!
TGTerrifi-Guy
The secret of my weakness will die with you.
[strangling] It was on TV! Chris Boy! Help!
I don't want to be Chris Boy anymore. In fact, I never wanted to be Chris Boy!
You're right! This is a job for Steel Scorpion!
Well that's more like it! Stinger attack!
TGTerrifi-Guy
Unhand me, simpletons!
Taste my spicy vengeance! [he feeds him hot sauce]
TGTerrifi-Guy
Stop you don't know what you're doing! I could lose my powers forever!
Actually, that's normal strong!
Steel Scorpion, hold him!
[Terrifi-Guy and Chris keep fighting until Dan pulls down the lever which spills a container full of hot sauce covering them in it]
TGTerrifi-Guy
No!! I'm losing my powers!
Okay, that's quite enough of that. [sprays water at Dan, Chris, and Terrifi-Guy who is now reduced to a scrawny weakling]
Ha ha! Now Terrifi-Guy, do you see what-
[Elise sprays Dan]
That's for messing my garage.
TGTerrifi-Guy
[high-pitched voice] Do you know what you've done? I have lost my super powers! You haven't seen the last of me, Dr. Jerk! I will get my powers back somehow, and you will be sor-
[Elise grabs Terrifi-Guy]
TGTerrifi-Guy
Hey! Quit it! Let go!
[Elise throws Terrifi-Guy out the garage]
Good riddance, I say! The city doesn't need you. It has all the superhero it needs... Dan Man!
Just Dan Man! I'll take it from here.
[Elise sprays Dan again]
You're not going anywhere until this garage is spotless!
[sees Dan pop out from the luggage] Dan?!
Honestly, that's got to be some sort of record.
You can't tag along this time. It's a family cruise. You aren't family.
You think I want to be here? I've been hijacked, Shanghaied, Dan-napped! I am missing zombie wrestling. I gotta get off this ship before [see the cruise sailing away from the city] we set sail. Alright, fine. Today is a wash. Fortunately, the main event isn't until tomorrow.
Dan, we're not going back to shore for a week. You're stuck here.
[a waiter sends everyone a roasted pig, Chris eats it]
I wonder where the people I like disappeared to?
It can't be any worse than here. There's gotta be a way off this floating barge of misery!
CCarla
Looks like the kiddies win the eating competition.
Heh. In your face, Don! [chuckles]
CCarla
All right, Fun-stronauts, time to get back on deck for more maritime merriment!
CCarla
Come on, badminton is up next and the two teams are neck and neck. I'm sure you can't wait to find out who's gonna win the big prize! [giggles]
CCarla
Winner of the competition is crowned Captain for the Day! [puts on Captain hat] We dress you up in a little sailor's suit and take your picture on deck in front of the Catalina Parallelogram.
So if we win badminton, I get to steer the ship back to Los Angeles? Perfect! Come on, Chris!
CCarla
Actually, it's more of an honorary title-
[interrupts her] Stop, you had me at "Captain". [Chris finishes eating while walking with Dan]
[Elise and Masked Cyborg fight over a pink crystal, the racquet ball is tucked on the top of the net, the two fighting jumps off the main deck and falls to the court, the crystal is shattered, and the racquet ball falls down]
[laughing] Victory! [takes the Captain hat and puts it on] Kneel before your captain!
[scolds Elise] You better have a good explanation, young lady.
EElise
Me!? You're the one in battle armor!
Don't you change the subject!
Sounds like you all have a lot to discuss. If you'll excuse me... [Dan walks away and heads to the captain's deck] Zombie Wrestling, [breaks the steering wheel] here I come!
Arr, my trusty crew! Come for your share of the plunder?
Wait, you're a pirate now?
CCarla
What have you done to the bridge? It's only been two minutes.
It was like when this when I got here.
Yeah, that's sort of our bad.
All I did was turn back towards Los Angeles.
CCarla
And destroyed the captain's wheel. We can't steer the ship and without the automated navigation system, we will sail right into Catalina Parallelogram.
You win some, you lose some.
CCarla
Win some, lose some? Heh! [breaks the swordfish fin board, now furious] Are you kidding me?! I've been nothing but upbeat and cheerful for you people, and all you can do is snipe at one another! And to top it off, you've wrecked my ship!? I've had it! You're all going to the brig!!
CCarla
Oh, you're going with them!
Mr. Tedesco, I'm so glad you're here. We'd like to go to the mess hall now as I believe is our right since I have the spirit stick.
[Mr. Tedesco swipes the spirit stick away from Young Dan and uses one of his knees to break the spirit stick in half.]
I think we need to go over the tradition of the spirit stick. You see, since the camp began...
TMr. Tedesco
Look at my face! It's swollen and ugly!
Let's be fair, you weren't exactly a looker before.
TMr. Tedesco
The whole point of the spirit stick is that it is supposed to be brute force, not subterfuge or tactical superiority! You cheated... you cheated and therefore [tossing the broken spirit stick] tarnish the sanctity of the spirit stick! Warriors!
[The Warriors kick the door of the Papoose Pavilion open and enter]
TMr. Tedesco
Show the Papooses what we do to sanctity tarnishers!
[The Warriors beat up the Papooses.]
