[Dan walks to the store and gets items he needs as he gets ready to call Chris]
ChrisHello?
Greetings, drone. Any special requests for Thursday? I'm at the store.
Chris
Thursday, wh- oh Dan... please don't tell me you forgot.
How could I forget? I love our little Thanksgiving tradition. I'm buying the ingredients to my secret recipe'd, world famous deviled eggs, so there you go. I have forgotten nothing. Thanksgiving is saved. Hurrah and 3 cheers for me!
Chris
Dan...
Chris
Dan!
STOP YELLING AT ME, I'M AT THE STORE! [everyone glares at him] Now look, you've caused a scene. Everything's fine, folks. I've gotten him under control. Go back to consuming. People, huh? No manners these days.
Chris
You know we're going to Elise's parents' for Thanksgiving, right?
Chris
I can't believe you forgot. I mean I've told you, I don't know, umpteen billion times.
No one has ever told anyone the same thing that many times! Your lies unspool as they spill from your lips, you giant toolbox!
Chris
Dan, calm down!
CALM DOWN?! When stupid Elise and her dumb donkey parents are continuing their quest to reprogram you?
Chris
Don't be absurd.
What about friendship? What about tradition? What about your bacon wrapped turducken? I may not care for the duck, but the bacon, tur- and -ken are mellifluously delectable.
Chris
I'll make it next year, but Dan-
Next year? NEXT YEAR?! [kicks the cart] I'll show you next year. You'd better tell your old lady's parents to make sure they have good insurance!
Chris
Insurance?
BECAUSE I'M GONNA BURN THEIR HOUSE TO THE GROUND!!! [gets kicked out of the store]
Chris
Dan? Hey, Dan!
FAMILY THANKSGIVIIIIIIIIIING!!!
This sucks! We've been in the car for DAYS!
Would've been a lot quicker if SOMEONE wasn't on the no-fly list.
Well... why don't your stupid parents just move closer?
They were going to, and then you tried to frame my dad and almost got him killed by the mafia.
Chris
And then a chainsaw slasher.
[everyone is having dinner]
BBen
Why do I have to sit at the kids' table?
There's no room, son. We had to make a space for our guest.
Look who wanted to join us.
Um, sport? Do you really think it's a good idea to have a cat on the table?
Isn't that what Thanksgiving's about? Sharing it with those that we genuinely, truly, honestly care for? Aw, she thinks she's people. Who likes trimmings? You do. You do. Oh look, I see the deviled egg plate is empty. Why don't I go get the rest out of the fridge.
I wouldn't dream of it. Let me.
Remember, one of those eggs needs to be put aside to analyze.
[while looking at the deviled eggs] Your sacrifice will be great, unfertilized non-babies, but it shall not be forgotten. Now, you want my secret so much? Well I'll give it to you.
Chris
Ow! Hey.
The grown-ups table always gets first dibs, you silly goose. [he drops off the eggs to the table as Elise's parents get a piece of the deviled eggs and bites it]
[chokes] What is this, poison?!
Apple cider vinegar, to be exact! A whole bottle's worth.
Why?! Why would you do this when we've been nothing but nice to you?
Only for your own nefarious gains.
What are you talking about?!
You only invited me here because you wanted to steal my secret family recipe and then throw me away.
Of course that's the only reason we invited you! Have you ever met you?!
Get out of my house! FINE! And take that mangy furball with you!
It's not mange! She's just not very good at licking herself.
Darn it Don, we were so close.
No more! And if there is no cranberry sauce, so help me I will smother everyone in this house.
Now you can't believe everything in this book Mr. Mumbles. Mrs. Claus is still very bitter about the divorce.
Chris
Yuletide greetings, Dan.
And to you, fine sir. Hey, give me some money.
Chris
Nope.
Oh, come on! I'm destitute, and I need to buy a Christmas present for- you know who.
Chris
Aw, that's-Hey wait, you never get me anything.
That's not true! Remember last year?
Chris
Oh, you mean when you borrowed fifty bucks from me and then gave me a $25 gift card?
Hey, buddy, you're worth it.
Chris
And then you never paid me back.
We're going in circles! Listen, I need you to help me help me.
Chris
Uh, well, I'm on my way to the mall. They're hiring seasonal employees for Christmas Crossing. You should come.
Don't be stupid. I don't need a job. I need money.
[Dan is dressed up as an elf]
5 minutes, everyone! Magic time!
Chris
At least you don't have to spend all day in a giant snow globe. [he wears his snowman outfit and goes inside the snowglobe]
Who gives a crap? Watch it! And what kind of language is that? Santa's supposed to be jolly and kind, you jerk.
Get out of my face. I'm working a minimum wage job for a holiday I don't even celebrate.
How can you not celebrate Christmas? You're Santa!
I'm confused. I know you're not a child because you have facial hair. But it sounds like you actually believe in Santa Claus.
Of course I do! Read your Bible!
Listen to me, you unshaven little elf, if you ever-
What's going on here? Why aren't you two working? I was trying to-
Supervisor Darla, this poor little elf is having some trouble getting into the Christmas spirit.
Get your filthy hands off me, you fat-
[stops Dan from attacking Santa Claus] Whoa whoa whoa now. That is no way for an elf to speak to Jolly St. Nick. You better straighten up and fly right mister, or I'll find someone else to fill those pointy shoes!
[pats Dan's head] Ho ho ho, ugly. [he pushes Dan down the path until he lands on the floor]
[angrily walks up to Mall Santa] I hope you asked for pain this Christmas, because I'm going to-
Going to what? Please, tell Santa, and this innocent, sickly child who loves Christmas more than life itself, what you're going to do.
I'm going to- Walk the reindeer.
That was one of Santa's magical helper elves! I call him "Stinky".
[Dan taps on the glass]
Chris
[takes off his snowman head] Could you not tap on the glass? Sound gets magnified like crazy in there. I have a massive headache already.
Sure, just help me get rid of the Mall Santa.
Chris
Dan, can't you just let it go for once? It's Christmas.
That's exactly my point! This man is a representative of Santa. A diplomat, if you will. And, get this, the guy doesn't even believe in Christmas!
Chris
That can't be right. He's Santa!
Now, we can't act until his lunch break, so the kids don't see, but I have a plan that involves licking a candy cane down to a razor-sharp point and then stabbing him in his bowl full of jelly!
Chris
Okay. Even if I were willing to help you commit assault with a deadly holiday candy, I can't lose this job. I have to buy Christmas presents. And so do you. Remember Mr. Mumbles?
Mr. Mumbles will understand! I'm defending the good name of Santa here!
What are you two doing? Breaks every 6 hours, not in between. Back to the happiness mines, people!
Chris
Sorry, Dan, can't help you.
Oh. Cheer up, and that's an order! If you can't be happy, I'll find an elf who can!
That's right, little fellow! Ho, ho, ho!
[Dan and Chris are having a lunch break while the Mall Santa]
Ho, ho, ho! [sneezes at Dan's lunch] Oh, excuse me, Stinky.
There will be nothing left but a scrap of red felt and a smoking pair of extra wide boots.
Chris
This is so humiliating. They could replace me with a Styrofoam snowman and no one would notice. Hey, don't tell Elise what I'm doing, okay? I don't want her to think less of me.
Don't worry. There's no way she could possibly think less of you. But you might want to put your snowman head back on.
Chris
Did she see me?
Chris
Perfect! Maybe I can follow her and find out what she's getting me for Christmas.
Chris, that is not in the Christmas spirit! Now come and help me annihilate Santa!
I'm pretty sure he started it.
[angrily] PERJURY! He was
Quiet! If this had happened in front of the children, none of you would work as seasonal holiday employees ever again. I am very disappointed in all of you.
Chris
Uh, ma'am? I wasn't involved.
YOU were a full minute late coming back from lunch! You're the worst of the lot.
Now back to work. And no more trouble, or they won't find your bodies until the fake snow melts.
I've got something to do. Can you two get along for 20 minutes? If not, I can fire you.
[Dan runs up to pick up the bag from the present while the Mall Santa gets his sandwich out]
Hey Stinky, you're not on break.
Chris
He's not so bad, you know. He just takes Christmas very seriously.
Chris
I don't see how you can hate Christmas, you're Santa!
It's a long story... When I was a kid, Santa never got me the Sergent Sascatchawand action figure I wanted.
Chris
That wasn't a long story. And it seems like you've made an odd career choice.
This isn't my career. It's just something I do until my interpretive dance starts getting the recognition it deserves.
Chris
Oh.
Shouldn't you be in your fishbowl?
Chris
Probably.
[Dan is digging a pile of snow and sees everyone at the mall, while a dart shoots at the tree as Elise would be shocked wondering who's inside the snowman outfit, Elise would throw the shuriken to the snowglobe as Chris screams, then she vanishes]
Where did you come from? I didn't even see you.
Who is in the snowman costume?! Tell me!
I don't know, okay? It's just some guy. Some guy I don't know.
[laughs] Oh, it's gonna be awesome. See, the Mall Santa
I don't care. Never mind.
[the lights turn off as the mall closes]
Okay, closing time! Good merriness today, people! Except for you, Snowman. You were phoning it in. Get out of my snow globe.
Chris
[gets out of his snowman outfit] Oh thank goodness. It smells like feet in there.
Hey, Mall Santa, I was thinking Maybe we should bury the hatchet.
I don't know, I kind of like the hatchet where it is.
Oh, come on. Hey, want to see something cool?
Check out the gingerbread house.
No, no. Look closer. Go on. There's eggnog over there.
Stinky wants me to look at the gingerbread house.
Why? Is something wrong with it?
No! Wait! [she steps on Dan's trap as candy canes would attaack her]
[Chris and Dan are driving home from work]
I can't believe I got fired! What happened to "Peace on Earth and good will towards- Whatever.
Chris
You almost killed our boss.
Since when is that grounds for dismissal?! And I think "killed" is an overstatement. The odds of one of those candy cane spikes penetrating deep enough to hit a vital organ is like a million to one.
Chris
Yeah, she really overreacted.
All I wanted to do was buy a present for Mr. Mumbles. That's all. And maybe give the Mall Santa blood poisoning stemming from extreme peppermint exposure. Is that so wrong?
Chris
The first part sounded okay. Look, Dan, I think we can get your job back. But you need to decide what's more important: buying a present for Mr. Mumbles, who loves you unconditionally, or exacting petty revenge on the Mall Santa.
Mmm, I'm leaning "Mall Santa."
Chris
Dan! Fine, fine.
Chris
There's the Christmas spirit!
Chris
Let me help you with that.
Chris
No problem. Moving in?:
JJennifer
That's right, yeah- just got here from Iowa. I'm Jennifer, this is Jason.
Chris
Chris.
[opens the door as he whispers] Chris! Chris! Don't talk to them! They're evil! Eeeevillll!
Chris
Have you met Dan?
JJason
Not officially, no. Hi, there! I'm-
[Dan closes the door in front of him]
Chris
Well, good luck living next to Dan. And I really mean that.
[Dan opens the door and drags Chris inside his apartment]
What do you think you were doing?
Chris
I think I was meeting your neighbors, who seem very nice.
Chris
You know I really enjoy these little talks of ours, Dan.
Can't you see they're up to something?
Chris
Up to something? B-Because-
They're always smiling. And, they insist on saying "Hello" every single time I see them!
Chris
Well, I hope you've notified the police.
[angry and flustered] I'll notify them that missing person when your body turns up in-
Chris
Let's go. The movie starts soon.
Okay, the coast is clear. Now here's how we roll: Head down, eyes front. Make a beeline for the car. Go! Go! Go! Ahh!
JJason
[opens the door] Dan, right? You play basketball? I was thinking about-
Basketball is for communists.
JJennifer
We baked this pie for you. It's banana cream.
JJason
You know, Jennifer also makes the world's best meat pie, if you're interested.
JJennifer
It helps that Jason's a butcher.
[Dan throws the pie away]
Chris
Dan!
What? It slipped. Besides, I can't eat dairy.
JJennifer
Oh. Ok. Well. I guess we'll see you soon neighbor.
My car! Look at what they did!
Chris
Dan, you were the one who-
Chris
[answering machine] I'm not in right now, so leave a message.
Where are you?! We were supposed to be watching a marathon of Pay Cable Prison Drama! Mr. Mumbles and I can't wait anymore, especially since my TV has been hijacked by this dancing nonsense! 'Do you know what a cellie would do if you punked him like this? A shanking, sir! Now you dance your way over- [machine beeps] You're beeping me? Nobody beeps me! You stay here, Mr. Mumbles. I'm going to go hit Chris where he lives, HIS HOUSE. [sees Crunch dancing outside of the apartment] What are you doing here, you moron?
CCrunch
One man flash mob, bra.
[walks up to him] A mob implies a group. You are but along dumdum. [Crunch goes up on Dan's car] Hey! Get off my car! You'd better run!
CCrunch
[runs off] Alright!
What is going on with all this dancing malarky? [drives to Chris and Elise's house and sees them dancing from their window] Chris too? [opens the door] What are you doing?
Chris
Dancing! [Dan breaks the vase] Dan!
We're practicing for Swing til the Spring, an endurance spring dance contest. You are not invited. Get out of our house.
[Dan grabs the statue and breaks it]
Chris
Hey!
Chris
What exactly do you mean by the "epicenter of fight dancing"?
[while explaining the backstory of Pembroke] Many years ago, a culture of dance, never before seen in this hemisphere, descended on a small town call Pembroke. This precipitous happening brought a lot of dance industry jobs to town. It became an immediate international hub for the evolution of dance. In fact, they called it 'the home of the dance'. They even had a sign made. But just as suddenly as the movement came, it was gone. And with it, went all of the jobs, the hope, and yes, even the soul of that poor little town, leaving behind only a scattered and direction-less few who, eventually... went feral. The dance devolved into what is now known around the hushed valleys of the region as 'fight dancing'. After decades of a savage, scavenger existence and unrepentant inbreeding, the townsfolk had all collectively gone quite mad.
Chris
And you sure you send Dan there?
I'm sure he'll fit right in.
Chris
Promise me you won't make a scene. [Dan yells and hits himself to the bank window] Did your head make that sound?
[Dan hits himself and makes a crack to the bank window]
LLady
That's supposed to be bulletproof.
[as the security guard is grabbing him] Let me go!
[another security guard grabs Chris and the 2 security guards angrily throw Dan and Chris out of the bank]
Chris
Wait, why did they throw me out?
Chris
You have to calm down.
[angrily] I'LL EAT YOUR CHILDREN!
Chris
Dan, that's disgusting! And impractical!
Oh, you have a better idea?
Chris
How about NOT eating their children!
You have no vision. That vexes me! But not as much as being out 50 cents. OH! We're gonna rob the bank.
Chris
That... is one of the worst ideas you've ever had, and you've had some doozies!
Name one! And don't say the jetpack, because that's gonna be awesome. [goes inside the car]
Chris
You are aware that they intentionally make banks very difficult places to steal from?
Which is why we'll discuss it over lunch, kick some ideas around, and then we'll come back and ROB the place!
Chris
Dan, listen to me: I'm not going to rob a bank with you!
Don't be so stubborn! Hey, what kind of mask do you wanna wear? And bear in mind if you don't choose, I'll choose one for you.
Chris
I made a promise to myself, and to Elise, that I wouldn't let you--
Bring a sense of purpose to your meaningless life? Let's go.
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
