[at the end, Chris and Elise arrive at Burgerphile]
Where have you guys been?
We had dinner across the street.
ChrisIt was amazing. So much better than Burg- I mean- sorry.
Hortence, your selfless actions have set an example for customer service persons everywhere.
HHortense
Thank you, sir.
By the power vested in me, I hereby pronounce you regional manager.
[hugs Jeremiah] Oh, thank you, sir!
Congratulations! This is so great for you!
It is, but it's not good for us.
What do you mean? I'll have to move.
To our regional headquarters in Santa Monica.
You have to go. I can't let you give up on your dreams. Not after everything you've done for me. I can't have you regret me. I would never regret you.
[as he takes her away from Dan] Time to go, Hortence. Let's take the corporate helicopter to your new life. How do you like your burger?
I'll always like you like you!
We'll always have heavy chains! I can't believe she's gone forever.
Chris
You know, Dan, Santa Monica is only 20 miles away. It's just a straight shot down the highway. You could be there in half an hour.
CCrunchy
[shows up covered in chains while Dan, Chris, and Elise leave Burgerphile] Oh, brother. Protest buddy. Little help with these chains. Please.
[while he's walking away] Just ignore him.
Chris
[while walking with Dan] Can we please pick up the pace?
Hey, you shouldn't have come with me on errand day if you didn't have the time.
Chris
You said, you needed a ride, and you only had one thing to do.
Yeah, run errands. Plus, you got something, too.
Chris
One thing. At one place. I had to pick it up for Elise's birthday. [shows Dan the necklace] Nice, huh?
Chris
It's a heirloom. It was the only thing of value my great-great grandmother brought her to this country. I got it engraved, see? [shows it to Dan]
Chris
What? Oh no.
What's going on here? [drops all of his stuff on the sidewalk]
Oh magic. Never mind, we're going.
Chris
Cool, magic!
Seriously? How old are you?
Chris
Magicians have powers that normal humans can't understand Dan.
No, they have gimmicky deck of cards and thinly-veiled distractions. You will feel a punch. Watch this hand! [punches Chris in the stomach]
Chris
Ow! How'd you do that?
For my next illusion, I'll need a volunteer. How about you? [jumps on the floor] Behold! A necklace. [makes a magic trick to Chris' necklace] Transportatum necloranicum.
Chris
[looks at his necklace box] It's gone.
[everybody cheers]
Okay, now let's make it reappear so we can all get on with our lives.
I'm sorry, but that would be impossible. I banished it to the 4th dimension of the universe.
Chris
What? Oh, no.
Oh, yes. Your necklace is now in another realm. A small price to pay for magic!
[everybody cheers]
Hey, buddy. You might fool children and Chris here. But we both know that magic is a scam. Now give my friend his necklace back.
Abra Cadabra! [shows up with an underwear]
Wait, those look like- [looks in his pants]
Abra Cadabra! [disappears and drives away]
Hey! I know you're in there!
Chris
It's no use, Dan. You can't fight a magician.
For the last time, magic is not real!
Chris
[holding a stick with an underwear] So, this isn't your underwear?
MAGICIAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!
[Dan and Chris arrive at a castle]
Talk about gaudy. Yeesh. This is perfect. We penetrate their sanctum sanctorum and expose magic for the fraud that it is. [he and Chris walk up to the bodyguard] Two, please.
Tickets, passes, whatever.
You have to say the magic words.
Clearly, you are not magicians. Please get off our property.
Listen, meathead. We need to see The Amazing Peter. It's important. I promised I'd return his baseball bat.
Look, buddy. Either disappear or I will make you disappear.
Fine. Come on, Chris. We'll just have to-ATTACK! [the bodyguard grabs his baseball bat] Run! [he runs off as he and Chris climb up a tree to sneak through the castle] Come on, it's not that far to the roof.
Chris
I don't know. This doesn't seem safe.
Nothing worth doing is safe. Was marrying Elise safe?
Chris
Yes.
Well, there you have it. Hey!
[shows up as a genie] What do you think you're doing?
Chris
Wow, that guy's really- [falls off a tree]
Next time. [takes a dive off the tree]
Chris
[with Dan in the river with a crocodile] Still think magic's not real?
[as he becomes sneaky opening up a room] Aha. Here's your so-called 4th dimension. I told you this hocus pocus was mumbo jumbo.
You! Stop polishing watches. I need you to go to Pasadena and work a jewelry convention. Should be a gold mine, if you know what I mean.
I'm impressed. There is some serious crime happening here.
Chris
No. No. Come on, where is it? Wait, I think I found it. Wait! [the treasure lands on him] Got it!
Smooth as always, genius.
Chris
Uh oh.
[Magnifico the Magnificent and two men confront Dan and Chris]
Alright, magician. Game's over. We know the truth.
It's Magnifico the Magnificent. And for your information, I found all these watches and I bought all this jewelry.
I don't care about that. Steal away! I just want you to admit that you don't have any magical powers.
Oh, I have powers! Observe. [he electrocutes Chris]
Eh, that didn't even look real. Felt real. [he runs off to defeat Magnifico the Magnificent]
Chris
Sleep! [he puts Dan to sleep and takes the necklace away from Chris] I'll take that.
[Chris and Dan are chained up in jail]
Chris
Dan? Dan? Dan!
Chris
Magnifico did magic on you.
Chris
He did! He stopped you dead in your tracks. It was magic, real magic.
[as he is taking Elise to jail] Stop struggling. You're only making it worse. This should cool you off.
Chris
What are you doing here?
Well, as long as we're all chained up, I might as well tell you the whole story. It all started on my 8th birthday. [scene cuts to her memory from her 8th birthday]
Good afternoon, boys and girls. I am Magnifico the Magnificent, and I need a volunteer to help me do some magic!
KEKid Elise
Oh, oh, me, me!
Everyone, give a big hand for Elise. Alright, just sit down. Alright, on 3! 3!
[Kid Elise screams as Magnifico the Magnificent plays a trick on her]
KEKid Elise
[as she is trapped inside a box] Help me! [as she is spinning on the wheel] Please, stop! Ta-da!
[the kids cheer as kid Elise gets scared as her flashback ends]
Please ever since then, I haven't even been able to be in the same room as a magician.
Chris
Wow, that's awful. I mean, it doesn't explain what you're doing here right now, which was my original question, but still awful.
Well, after what happened to me, I certainly couldn't let someone I love get hurt by magic. So I followed you here, I snuck in successfully, but when a magician asked if he could saw me in half, I sort of lost it. What? He'll live.
[after freeing himself off his chain] Ahh, much better.
Chris
Wait. How did you get free?
Well, I got really bored during Elise's story. Then I remembered my left thumb is double-jointed.
How did you get your other hand free?
Chris
[whispering] Well, help us.
Do you believe in magic? You bet do.
There's no time. I'll have to come back for you guys. Don't move. [he climbs on Chris as he heads out to the vent]
Chris
What are you doing?
Hey where's the third guy?
[while hosting his magic show] Behold the power of magic. And witness the Chest of Wonders! [Dan shows up from the box]
You, sir, are baloney! You're no more magical than my big toe!
Can your big toe do this? [he tries to zap Dan but fails] What the?
Aw, I wish I had a wand like that. [he and Magnifico the Magnificent try to zap each other] No! Stop being amazed! This isn't magic. It's just a metal rod hooked up to a car battery.
Who taught you my magic trick?
[while Magnifico the Magnificent is trying to zap him] No one. I figured them out with plain old common sense. [the crowd laughs] I'll admit levitating was the hardest one. Turns out it's nothing more than fishing line and pulleys.
[Peter and the bodyguard play a trick on Magnifico the Magnificent]
[the crowd cheers]
Looks like his next trick's gonna be regaining consciousness. [found something hidden] Chloroform vapor.
Chris
Wow. Mr. Mumbles did not want to leave that dove room.
Stay right here! Time to show you a trick or two. [she defeats the bodyguard]
Chris
Happy birthday! [gives Elise the necklace]
Chris
You don't understand. The magician stole it, right? And my great-great-grandmother and then Dan-
Well, folks, we've all been through something very special tonight. I think it's clear now that magic is a bunch of hogwash. I hope that you've all learned-
Hey, Dan! Abra-- [Mr. Mumbles defeats him]
Chris
I've never seen Mr. Mumbles attack anyone like that before.
See? Everything has an explanation.
[Dan arrives home and finds some kids selling lemonade in his neighborhood]
Hey, you kids! Either show me your vendor permits or get out of my spot!
So, what seems to be the problem here, mister?
Yeah, mister. What's the problem?
Hey, kids. I don't mean to run you out of business, but you're kind of in my spot. So, I need to run you out of business. Or at least have you move.
Well, technically, I was here first. I live here. This is where I park.
I- Ahhh-I have no answer for that! [backs up his car and parks at a different spot] Children, can't live with them, can't hunt them for sport. [he walks upstairs but the Lemonade Stand Gang blocks his way]
I don't want any. I just want to go home. Out of the way, irksome urchins.
I wasn't asking. You're going to buy a cup of lemonade before you can pass.
Don't you threaten me, kid. I- [screams when Timmy splashes lemonade on his face] Hey!
A $1.25?! That's outrageous!
Pay up! Or Large Harold here will give you the deepest, longest-lasting charley horse you've ever had.
HHarold
I call it a Charles horse.
First of all, I don't carry cash. Second of all- [screams and trips when Moose poses a pushup] You'll pay for this, you hooligans.
[as he and the Lemonade Stand Gang comfront Dan] Did you just call us hooligans?
[as he is beaten up by the Lemonade Stand Gang] Get off me! You ankle-biting meatballs! [arrives at his apartment, injured and calls Chris]
Chris
Hello?
Chris
Dan?
Who else? Get over here, I have a major problem with minors. [screams as there is a note thrown through the window by The Lemonade Stand Gang, he picks up the note and reads it] "If you know what's good for you, don't mess with The Lemonade Stand Gang. Signed, The Lemonade Stand Gang." Those little beasts! LEMONAAAAAAAADE STAAAAAAAAND GAAAAAAAAANG!!!!!!!!!
Chris
No, thanks, buddy. I just bought one, remember?
I do not. Do you remember this guy buying anything?
I don't remember nothin', boss.
Watch your double negatives, Moose.
Chris
Okay, kids. This has been fun, but I have to go. Come on, kids. I-- [gets splashed] Ahh! Hey! Look, you can't just bully people like this, you little hooligan.
What did you call us? Dolores!
[the Lemonade Stand Gang starts to beat up Chris]
Chris
Look, why can't you just leave me alone?
[Chris arrives home, injured by The Lemonade Stand Gang]
Hey, honey. What took you so long to get ho-- Oh, my gosh! Chris! What happened to your shins?
Chris
I was attacked.
Chris
Uh, sort of. There are these kids outside Dan's place who set up a lemonade stand. What's funny?
I'm sorry, it's just- No, never mind. Sorry, go on.
Chris
Why are you laughing? I can barely walk.
Nothing is funny! Come on! Tell me what happened!
Chris
Well, Dan said they attacked him. And I didn't believe him at first.
Chris
Exactly. And then when I left his place, they tried to force me to buy another lemonade. I said, no, thanks. And they surrounded me and went to town on my shins! Fine. Just make fun.
Oh, no. Sweetheart, I'm sorry, but you got beat up by kids?
Chris
Not beat up, just kicked a lot! Besides, it's not like I'm going to fight a bunch of children.
Oh, listen. Why don't I get you an ice pack? [goes to the kitchen and laughs]
Chris
It's NOT funny!
Chris
[as he is being chased by The Lemonade Stand Gang] I don't want any lemonade! Just leave me alone!
Chris
[bumps into a police officer] Officer! You've got to help me. Those kids are chasing me. They're extorting the neighborhood and they physically assaulted me. [shows the police officer his cut]
PPolice Officer
Is this true, kids?
No, sir. We run a lemonade stand and he forgot to pay. We're trying to raise money to get surgery for Dolores.
DDolores
I'm not well, sir.
PPolice Officer
Well, that's just awful. And you were trying to steal lemonade from these sweet little angels? I ought to arrest you right now.
Chris
No, you don't understand!
PPolice Officer
Move along, sir, before I move you along. Get me? [leaves]
Talking to the cops? Not smart. No one likes a tattletale.
Chris
Oh, well, that's, uh-- hey, look! Ice cream man! [runs off]
See you real soon, mister.
DDolores
Hey! There's no ice cream man!
TSTimmy's Mom
[finds Chris in the bathroom drinking water from the sink] Timmy, I told you to go to- [she and Chris scream]
Chris
[while he's being chased by Timmy's mom] It's a misunderstanding!
Never send a Chris to do a Dan's job. Incompetent.
Chris
[while he is being attacked by Timmy's mom] Stop!
[makes a phone call] It's me. Get everyone together, now.
[Dan and Chris are riding back home]
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Chris
Don't worry, I am. For many, many reasons.
It was a simple plan! You turned it into some weird monster streaker thing.
Chris
The costume was sweltering. And you wouldn't let me out of there!
So, you didn't accomplish the mission, but you did terrorize an innocent lady in her own home. I'm ashamed to call you my minion.
Chris
I'm not your minion! [phone rings] Hello?
Hey, it's getting late. Where are you?
Chris
Uh, nowhere.
[yelling] YOUR HUSBAND'S A MONSTER STREAKER!
Chris
Dan, would you please be quiet?
What's a monster streaker?
Chris
It's nothing. Dan, just, uh-
I did see something on the news about a guy terrorizing the neighborhood in a monster mask.
Chris
That wasn't me.
Chris
It's, well, it's those kids I told you about.
Chris
They're almost 6th graders.
Good night, Chris. Put some pants on. [hangs up the phone]
I know, buddy. But, yeah. Let's stop so you can put your pants on. [he and Chris arrive at Dan's apartment late at night] Come on. We need to plan our next move.
Chris
I'm thinking maybe my next move is to pretend that this never happened. Summer is over soon, the kids will go back to school and- Hey, why is your street deserted?
This doesn't look good. [Dolores rides her bike and runs over his foot] Ow! My foot!
Chris
Let's get inside, quickly! [Harold hits him]
[as Timmy sees him] Chris, get up! We've got to get out of here!
Chris
Can't move. Save yourself.
No, no man left behind- This is the way I always thought I'd go.
Chris
Really?
Well, I mean they're not zombie kids, but basically.
Chris
What? You're mugging us?
You come after us, we come after you. You got me? Wallets! [Dan and Chris give him their wallets] Next time you mess with us, you'll lose more than your money. Alright, move out.
[The Lemonade Stand Gang ride their bikes off Dan's neighborhood while Harold throws a can to a car]
[voiceover] This is why I'm never having children.
[Dan and Chris are at Ninja Dave's Cookies]
Only Ninja Dave's makes lactose-free chocolate chip cookies.
Chris
Uh-huh.
What's wrong, buddy? We won.
Chris
We didn't win. Not in the moral sense.
But we won in the practical sense, which is the only sense that matters.
[The Lemonade Stand Gang are outside destroying the car]
Chris
Yeah, but they're just kids. Even if they are hooligans, I don't feel good about wrecking their bikes.
Eh, we taught them a lesson. It takes a village, Chris.
Chris
I don't know. How would you like it if someone destroyed your property?
[the car gets destroyed by The Lemonade Stand Gang]
I guess you can answer that question for both of us.
[answers the phone at home] Hello? They did what?! [shows up outside of Ninja Dave's Cookies where the fire fighters are hosing down the fired car] Seriously? The lemonade stand kids did this?
Chris
I told you they were bad kids.
They will all disappear. No one will ever know what became of them, except maybe in a weapons factory in North Korea where their tiny hands will be put to work assembling-
Chris
Wait, what?
Chris
Don't you see? I took the low road with Dan and look where it got us.
Maybe you just didn't take it low enough.
That's what I've been saying.
Chris
Here's what I've learned from tonight. When you take the low road, you force the other guy to go lower. And that makes you go lower and so on.
That's pretty much how it works. Whoever goes lowest first wins.
Chris
No, we're better than this. No more destruction.
I'm not better than this.
Chris
No destruction!
Fine. Let's give the baby his bottle.
This is why the other boys pick on him.
[Chris confronts The Lemonade Stand Gang]
Well, well, well. If it isn't the guy with no car.
Chris
I'm here to make peace.
What? How come I don't get to express my opinions?
It undermines the dramatic effect of my statements.
Chris
Look, I tried it Dan's way for a little bit and I didn't like myself very much.
Huh, we don't like you much either.
Chris
We've all done things we regret, haven't we?
HHarold
Uh, I ate a frog once.
Chris
So let's stop treating each other like enemies and be friends. [Timmy kicks him] Ow!
See, mister, it's like this. Life is a 0-sum game. If you want something, you have to take it from someone else.
Chris
That's not true. You can- [Timmy kicks him again] Ow! Not my shins again.
Chris
[as he is beaten up by The Lemonade Stand Gang] Ow! Stop it! Ow!
[holding the tape] Now I've got you!
Get him! I want that tape!
[Dan runs off]
Chris
[checking his leg] Much better.
[Dan gives Elise the tape and runs off as The Lemonade Stand Gang finds the tape in the car]
[the teacher is having a meeting with The Lemonade Stand Gang's parents in the classroom]
TTeacher
And I'd just like to thank the wonderful efforts of--
[comes inside the classroom] May I have the floor for a moment? I'm a local resident who has been terrorized by a group of juvenile delinquents. [plays a video of the Lemonade Stand Gang] Here's footage of The Lemonade Stand Gang throwing lemonade on an elderly lady. And here's them kicking a citizen unmercifully in the shins.
TSTimmy's Mom
Is that my Timmy?
And if you look outside right now, you can see them destroying a car.
[everyone can see The Lemonade Stand Gang destroying a car outside from the window]
TSTimmy's Mom
[comes out the school and stops her son from destroying a car] Timmy! Stop that at once!
TSTimmy's Mom
Is this what you've been doing? Vandalism? Extortion? I wondered how your lemonade stand was making a thousand dollars a week.
TSTimmy's Mom
Well, no more! All that money is going to charity!
[The Lemonade Stand Gang parents pick up their kids and punish them]
HHarold
[in the car] I regret nothing!
[The Lemonade Stand Gang parents drive away]
[at the end, Dan, Chris, and Elise are at Ninja Dave's Cookies having cookies]
I have to say, Chris, you were right. We didn't need to sink to their level. We just needed to get smarter.
I'm sorry that your car got wrecked.
A master chess player knows which piece to sacrifice and when.
I heard that Timmy and his goons got sent off to military school.
Chris
Wait, won't they just come back even more dangerous?
Well, I suggested reform school, but the parents wouldn't go for it.
Stupid parents. They're what's wrong with America.
Chris
Actually, when I was hiding in the kid's closet, I got the sense that his mom was involved in his life and really encouraging him to succeed.
That's the problem! My parents had the right idea, they let TV raise me. And I turned out super-duper.
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
