Dan quotes from Dan Vs.

I don't understand. Are you trying to apply to the academy of art school?

Dan

Attend art school? Do I look like a joke to you? Just give me the files.

I'm not giving you our private records!

Chris

What now?

Dan

There's no way to ruin art.

Chris

What do you mean? We ruined it.

Dan

I thought we did, but somehow we made it better.

Chris

Wait. People liked our pointless squiggles? But if that's art and benches are art and sunflowers are sometimes art and then some art can be eaten even though it shouldn't be, then-- but-- I am never going to figure this out.

Dan

If there's no way to ruin art that already exists, I'll have to cut it off at its source. Art Artstein, prepare for a close encounter of the Dan kind.

Chris

I guess if anyone could explain art to me, it'd be someone named Art.

Dan

I just want to go to the Renaissance Faire with my best friend, and your parents are getting in the way of that.

Elise

You think they're inconveniencing you? Ever since I was a kid, nothing I've ever done has been good enough. Straight A's, full scholarships, captain of every conceivable team the schools had, everything never enough. Why do you think I became a top operative in a shadowy, quasi governmental organization?

Dan

Wait, what was that?

Elise

What? Oh, never mind. The point is my parents will have a perfect week and for once not have anything to criticize me about.

Dan

You know you married Chris, right? Well, what am l supposed to do with this bag of common household rats?

Elise

Don't you even think about it.

Dan

Come on. I spent all day collecting these little guys.

Elise

Let's establish some ground rules. 1. You will not mess up my house in any way.

Dan

Fine.

Elise

2. You will not cause my parents bodily harm of any kind. 3. You will not set anything they own on fire.

Dan

Oh, come on!

Elise

4. If and when you engage them in conversation, you will be polite and pleasant. If you aren't, they'll need dental records to identify your body. You get me?

Dan

Joke's on you. I don't have dental records.

Elise

And take those rats somewhere else! [leaves]

Dan

Another great turkey sandwich from The Sub-Marine. Italian roll, spicy mustard, mayo, no cheese, no meddling vegetables. Mmm. You know, you might be the perfect food.

I like you, Dan. You're always right.

Dan

Thanks, talking sandwich. [he dances with the sandwhich until he falls to the floor] Aw! I've got to stop eating candy for dinner.

Do you realize how much trouble you are in, young man?!

Dan

Your honor, I don't see what the big deal is.

You crashed your car through the wall of a church while a wedding was in progress!

Dan

It wasn't my fault! There was a nun crossing the street against the light. I was going to run her over.

And you were swerving to avoid her?

Dan

[smiling] Yes.

All right. Well, in that case, I will suspend your sentence in exchange for 40 hours of community service.

Dan

Community service!? What has this community ever done for me!?

Chris

Dan, no. Take the deal.

Dan

NO WAY!

Have it your way. Trial will start one week from today at 9:00 a.m.

Dan

Could we do it a little later? I like to sleep in, watch some TV...

Get him out of my sight!

Dan

[gets grabbed by security guards] Let go! [gets kicked out of court]

This Saturday? I'll be there. [Dan looks shocked] Oh. Got to go, Jer. Well this is embarrassing. I figured you'd be at court at least another hour.

Dan

Who are you?

Who are you?

Dan

I'm Dan.

I'm Dan.

Dan

Stop it.

Stop it. I should probably just go. [he runs out of Dan's apartment]

Dan

Hey, those are my clothes! Stop, clothes thief! [Imposter Dan twists his arm] Who are you?

I told you already. I'm Dan. The question is who are you? [he runs off]

Dan

DAN!

I'm Dan.

Dan

We'll find this guy. Then you'll see I'm not crazy.

Chris

I'm sure we will, Dan. And then what?

Dan

Simple. I hit him over the head and take my clothes back.

Chris

Leaving the “Good Dan” nude and vulnerable. Textbook.

Dan

[furious] Stop analyzing me! For the last time, there is an imposter!

Dan, is that you?

Dan

Aw, come on!

Oh, thank you so much for mowing my yard last week. Here, have a mint.

Dan

Lady, you can take your mint and-

Chris

Whoa okay. Calm down. Ma'am, are you sure this is the Dan who mowed your lawn?

That's him. He spent three hours at my house on Thursday.

Chris

Thank you, ma'am. That's him.

Dan

She was like a hundred years old! It doesn't prove anything!

Eh, hi, Dan!

Dan

Oh, what now?

Hey everybody, Dan's here! On behalf of the whole neighborhood, we want to thank you for everything you've done lately. Let's hear it for Dan!

[opens the door] May I help you?

Chris

He's real!

Dan

What are you doing in my apartment?

Oh, well, this is my apartment. Everything that you used to have is mine. I'm Dan now. You're going to have to find yourself a NEW identity.

Elise

Why would anyone want to be Dan?

I'm so glad you asked that, Elise. And by the way, you don't look anything like the unflattering drawings Dan has of you in his journal.

Dan

You've been reading my journal?

Elise

What does he mean, "unflattering"?

You ask, why Dan? Well, most people have a network of friends and family who know and love them, making it near impossible to steal their identities, but Dan here is off-putting and angry.

Dan

[turns red, yelling] OFF-PUTTING?! ANGRY!?

That's just the tip of the iceberg. Tell me, what do you have to show for your lifetime of apathy and petty vengeance?

Dan

Well, I... I have a foosball table... so I got that going for me.

You don't even like foosball.

Dan

He's right. I'm an air hockey man.

You have alienated everyone in your life except for Chris and Elise, and I have a feeling at least one of them is gettable.

Dan

ATTACK! [he gets ready to fight with Imposter Dan but Elise stops him]

Elise

Let's hear him out. What exactly do you want?

Oh, I've already got it. A place to live, a television. A kitty who loves me, and friends all over the neighborhood, friends who know me as Dan, the neighbor who cares; Dan, the neighbor who lives in apartment 8. So, if you don't leave immediately, I'll be forced to shoot you in self-defense. Good day. [closes the door and locks it]

Chris

That last part sounded a little like you.

Dan

Your probably wondering why I'm wearing face paint and attacking you with a plastic toy hatchet?

Chris

Oh, is it "Put on Face Paint and Attack Your Best Friend with a Hatchet Day" already?

Dan

That's not till January. It's Dismemberfest.

Chris

Ah, the horror film festival.

Dan

You got it. Slasher Cats starts at noon tomorrow, followed by Eek! The Murderer.

Chris

I can't go this year, Dan. Elise's parents are taking us on a camping trip.

Dan

You have got to be kidding me.

Chris

Hey, I'm not happy about it either. Although I must admit I don't like those movies anyway.

Dan

But it's no fun going to slasher movies by myself.

Chris

Sorry, but I have an opportunity to finally get Don and Elise Sr. to like me.

Dan

When are you going to learn they are your in-laws-- natural enemies, like sharks and robots?

Chris

Anyway, we're going up to Lake Sequester - for the weekend, and-

Dan

Whoa, whoa. Where?

Chris

Lake Sequester.

Dan

Oh, you won't go to slasher movies, but you'll go there?

Chris

Sure.

Dan

Why not? Are you kidding me? It's where the Hockey Mask Maniac ran amuck 10 years ago. It's the basis for the goriest, bloodiest, most iconic slasher movie of them all, The Campground Chain Saw Unpleasantness.

Chris

Okay, you should go now.

Dan

Well, I'm not leaving until you agree to- [Chris lifts him] Hey, let me go! Unhand me, I say!

Chris

I'm going on the family camping trip, Dan, and that's final. [leaves]

Dan

FAMILY CAMPING TRIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!!!!!!!!!

Chris

[opens the window and finds Dan outside] Perfect timing.

Dan

If we leave now, we can still catch Stabbo the Clown. Now climb out of the window, and let's go.

Chris

I am not going with you! I am going to Lake Sequester!

Dan

To be hunted by a chain saw-wielding maniac.

Chris

They caught him years ago.

Dan

Or so they think.

Chris

You're just trying to give me nightmares.

Dan

Look, this whole insane quest of yours is pointless. Your in-laws will never respect you.

Chris

I have to try.

Dan

I just hate to see you expending such an enormous amount of effort in what is ultimately a futile pursuit. It's not healthy.

Chris

Have a good weekend, Dan.

So this should be a good time of year to spot bears.

Chris

Isn't spotting bears a bad thing when you're camping?

Don't tell me you're scared of bears.

Chris

I am, actually. Generally speaking, I'm afraid of anything that can eat me. Bears, sharks, cannibals.

Stop worrying about bears. We just got to make sure we hang our food from a tree every night.

If you think you can make it 10 hours without a snack.

They're tagging the bears this summer.

Chris

Like spray-painting them? That seems mean.

No, they're luring them in with artificial hormones and fitting them with radio transponders.

It's to track their migratory patterns.

Chris

Ah.

Speaking of feral creatures, how's your friend Dan?

Dan

[while on his way to camp] The trick to any successful campaign, Mr. Mumbles, is the element of surprise. [Mr. Mumbles meows] I think it was Sun Tzu who said- [the truck horn honks as Mr. Mumbles screeches]

I only ask because he seems to be following us.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me. I'll handle this.

Dan

What was that? Are you trying to kill me?

Don't tempt me.

What are you doing here?

Dan

Obviously, I'm sneaking up on you. Just give me what is rightfully mine, and I'll go.

What do you want exactly?

Dan

Chris.

I don't know. Sounds reasonable.

Don, stop it. We are not giving him Chris, even if we'd like to.

Chris

Dan, this is really unacceptable.

Dan

It's all your fault.

Chris

This is not my fault.

It's kind of your fault. He's your friend.

Dan

If you'd just come with me to Dismemberfest.

Okay, let's go. Dan, you are not invited on this camping trip, don't follow.

Dan

Your not the boss of me, lady. I go where I plea- Hey! Is that my car battery? I'LL PUT YOU ON THE LIST! I'LL PUT ALL OF YOU ON THE LIST!

Hortence

Oh, hey. Haven't seen you in a while. How have you been?

Dan

Great. Well, not great, but good. Well, not good, despondent. You look nice. Anyway, I just went through drive-thru and you guys got my order wrong. Well, not you, specifically, I mean--

Jeff

What seems to be the problem here?

Hortence

This gentleman got the wrong order.

Jeff

That's impossible. I'm pretty sure the mistake is on your end, sir.

Dan

What?! This burger has cheese on it! I'm allergic to cheese.

Jeff

You must have forgotten to ask for it without cheese.

Dan

I would never forget to ask that! It was the first thing I said!

Jeff

Look, sir. I don't want to call you a liar, but I have a perfect record of customer service. No mistakes. Jeremiah Burger, founder, president, chairman, and CEO of Jeremiah Burger Foods Limited, once personally commended my unblemished track record.

Dan

I don't care if you sprang fully formed from the head of Zeus! You messed up! Either give me what I paid for or give me my money back!

Jeff

Well, neither of those things are going to happen. Mac, Carl. Please escort this gentleman off the premises.

Dan

This is an outrage! I demand satisfaction!

Hortence

I'm really sorry, sir.

Jeff

Don't apologize to him.

Hortence

Sorry, sir.

Dan

I'll get you for this! I will have my cheese-less burger and you shall be blemished, sir! Blemished! [gets thrown outside]

Chris

How'd it go?

Dan

BURGERPHILLLLLLLLLLLE!!!

Say "no" to pickle burgers!

Dan

You sing it, sister! Pickles are gross! Hey guys! Over here!

Elise

Wow, Dan. You've really started something.

Dan

Yup. I think they're about to cave. They're so busy fielding complaints, they're not even serving food.

Chris

Oh. We were going to grab dinner.

Elise

Oh, don't worry. We can just go across the street. I see you've made a new friend, Dan.

I'm Hortense. Dan's girlfriend.

Elise

Wow, Dan. Way to go.

Dan

Why are you so surprised? The ladies love me. What? They do.

Jeff

[goes in] Ladies and gentlemen. While admitting no wrong-doing on the parts of Burgerphile, wholly owned subsidiary of Jeremiah Burger Foods Limited International Incorporated, a division of Drax Chemical and Munitions Corporation, we realize some of our customers are not completely satisfied. So please, enjoy the table of complimentary cheeseburgers outside. [protestors excitedly leave, but gets tricked]

Hey, there's no table!

Jeff

[locks all the door] Checkmate!

Dan

Please, every revolution has a few weak links. But these won't break, nor will I.

Jeff

Well, we'll just see about that.

Hortence

[inside] Stop it, Jeff! He's had enough!

Jeff

[tortures Dan by slicing onions on his chest] I'll say when he's had enough! Retract your complaint!

Dan

[crying] NEVER!!

Jeremiah

JEFF! [Jeff's knife drops and stabs the barrel of grease causing it to spill on the floor] What is the meaning of this!? And why is there an angry mob outside demanding free cheeseburgers!?

Jeff

Mr. Burger, what are you doing here?

Jeremiah

What am I doing here!? I'm watching the news, having my midday burger, [grabs Jeff's collar, yelling at him] and what do I see!?

Jeff

I can explain.

Dan

[jumps in] Let me! This wackadoo got my order wrong and then refused to fix it! [throws out onion] Plus, he's been torturing me! Which is seriously uncool!

Jeremiah

What do you have to say for yourself, Jeff?

Jeff

He obviously just ordered wrong.

Jeremiah

[slaps Jeff on the head] I meant about the torture thing.

Jeff

Oh. That. Well, yeah. But I swear he ordered his burger with cheese.

Dan

I said [yelling] NO CHEESE!!

Jeremiah

I've heard enough! Jeff, you've forgotten the first rule of customer service.

Jeff

Um, don't let them go for your eyes?

Jeremiah

[holds the spatula firmly] The customer is always right! [puts spatula away, walks up to Jeff's record, dials Jeff's Customer Satisfaction Counter Dial to 99%]

Jeff

But my perfect record!

Jeremiah

[takes away his frame] I'm sorry, Jeff.

Jeff

[grows furious] NO!!! [chases after Jeff by trying to get back his frame as in doing a tug-of-war, he is unaware that the grease is flowing on Jeremiah's foot, he pulls it causing Jeremiah to slip, Jeff falls as his award is thrown, Jeremiah crashes to the picture frame, Jeff's award lands on the oven now being set on fire, Jeremiah is unconscious] Oh no! What have I done? I-I think I've killed him!

Dan

Probably, but let's not forget why we're all here. You got my order wrong!

Jeff

You don't get it. I have no family, no friends. My perfect record is all I have! [sobbing]

Dan

Wow, you just made me really sad right now.

Jeff

[picks up an unconscious Jeremiah Burger trying to wake him up] Come on, Mr. Burger! Wake up! Please wake up! You're the closest thing I have to a father!

Dan

Hey, does anyone else smell smoke? And hot grease? Boy, I sure hope those two don't -- [fire ignites the grease]

Jeff

Oh, no! Burgerphile! No! [takes out two fire extinguishers and drags them backwards]

Dan

[gets out of chains] Burgerphile! I'll save you!

Jeff

You do care about this place?

Dan

Of course I do. [takes one fire extinguisher from Jeff] I've always cared.

You two aren't so different after all. Major twist, bro.

[yelling] SHUT UP!!

Jeff

Okay! Quick, get the flames on the window!

Dan

This window?

Jeff

Yes, the one on fire!

Dan

[sprays extinguisher at Jeff's face] Now you know how it feels when someone gets your order wrong! [walks away]

Jeff

Take that, you life-ruiner! {Dan jumps to the counter and finds more condiments on the box for ammo]

Dan

Condiments! [slams his fists at the condiments, Jeff misses and takes a hit in his glasses]

Jeff

MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!! [gets the sauces out of his glasses, Dan sends out more condiments as Jeff tackles him and he's about to finish him off with a spatula]

Hortence

Dan, heads up! [gives Dan the acoustic guitar and hits Jeff in the face]

Dan

Say goodbye, walking sticks!

Jeff

No I need them for walking!

Hortence

Dan, the fire!

Dan

Oh, right. [goes to Hortence]

Jeremiah

[waking up] What the... Help me up! [Dan goes to Jeremiah] I can reset the sprinkler system. [to Jeff] You know you're supposed to check those every three months, Jeff.

Jeff

Yeah, and we're supposed to toss the burgers when they get that rancid rainbow, but here on the front lines we have to make do with what we've got. [Jeremiah takes out the hammer, breaks the glass and presses the sprinkler system, water comes out and puts out the flames]

Hortence

[hugs Dan] My hero!

Jeremiah

Now for you, Jeff.

Jeff

Sir, please. I know this got a teensy bit out of control-

Jeremiah

Teensy? You forgot the most important thing, Jeff! Customer service is about the customer! Also, you nearly killed me, which is irksome. There's only one thing left for you. Mac, Karl.

Jeff

[whining as Mac and Karl drag him out] Anything but Maryland! Anything! Send me to jail, just don't make me go back to that awful place!

Jeremiah

Goodbye, Jeff. I don't know about you guys, but I could really use a burger about now. How do you take yours?

Dan

Naked.

Jeremiah

A man after my own heart.