Dan[voiceover] Attention!
CClerk
[falls over from his chair] Who are you suppose to be?
Dan
[dressed up wearing a marching band costume] I'm General... Anesthesia, commander-in-chief of the Salvation Armed Forces.
CClerk
Well, I have never heard of you.
Dan
Well, sure, that's because - SCORPIONS! [throws bucket of scorpions on him, causing him to scream] Oh, calm down. They only sting when you scream.
CClerk
I CAN'T STOP SCREAMIN'!
[Dan leaves the clerk's building and begins talking through a walkie talkie]
Dan
[through a walkie-talkie] The football is in play. The football is in play. Over.
WTWalkie-Talkie
Was that the code?
Dan
[through a walkie-talkie] Yes! Over!
WTWalkie-Talkie
I forgot what that one meant.
Dan
[through a walkie-talkie] It means I have disabled the guard, and you guys can come out now! Over!
WTWalkie-Talkie
Oh, right. Gotacha!
Dan
[through a walkie-talkie] NO! You don't say "gotcha". It's "Roger".
WTWalkie-Talkie
Oh, right. Gotcha!
Dan
Oh, I hate that guy.
WTWalkie-Talkie
Hey Roger? The radio's still on.
LLifeguard
So you have a husband?
LLifeguard
Let's go on a date.
[cuts to Dan who is wearing Elise's hair]
Dan
I said, snap out of it, Chris! [slaps Chris as the boat sinks] The boat is sinking! Again! This is why I don't buy anything built by Americans. We have zero standards for safety.
I can't die now. I have to stop Elise from dating that lifeguard.
Dan
I don't think I have a choice. But hey, on the bright side, I hear drowning's a very peaceful way to go. Apparently there's a soundtrack. [sees a friendship boat appearing]
Ha! A boat! Over here! Help! [a pirate sticks out two fingers] We're saved!
Dan
[pops his head up] Missionaires! I knew it!
Can we turn the spooky music off?
MZMadame Zelda
No. The spirits like it. Let us all join hands.
When was the last time you washed your hands?
Dan
Don't have to. Cat licks them clean.
MZMadame Zelda
Now I will call upon the spirit of George Washington. Are you there, Mr. President? Make a noise if you are with us.
Dan
He's here.
She just kicked the table. Ow! Someone just kicked me.
MZMadame Zelda
George Washington will take possession of my body. [starts talking in an American accent] Hello. It is I, George Washington, 1st President of the United States, commander of the Confederate Army.
MZMadame Zelda
That's what I said.
Dan
Is it really you, Mr. Washington?
MZMadame Zelda
Yes. Now what question can I help you with?
[Dan gets an ax and gets ready to attack Madame Zelda]
MZMadame Zelda
What are you, a psychopath?
Dan
Chris, hold George Washington down while I get the ax free!
There is no way I'm gonna help you murder a psychic, even a fake one! [pulls Dan and the ax off]
MZMadame Zelda
The spell is broken.
Dan
Oh, come on!
MZMadame Zelda
You can't hurt a spirit, you fool.
Dan
Well, you should have told me that before we started.
MZMadame Zelda
Just give me my $50 and get out.
Dan
You don't see dollar 1 until I speak with George Washington.
MZMadame Zelda
Remember, get paid first. Fine. I will summon the great George Washington once more, but you must promise.
Not to kill you. We promise, right, Dan? Dan?
Dan
Fine. It wouldn't hurt George Washington anyway, apparently.
But it would land us in prison for the rest of our lives.
MZMadame Zelda
Ahem! What is it that I, the great and powerful George Washington, can help you with?
This is ridiculous. That's not the kind of thing George Washington would say.
Dan
So you're the expert? Okay, professor, ask him a question, then.
Fine. What's your middle name, George?
MZMadame Zelda
I didn't have one?
Actually, I think that's right.
Dan
You have got to learn to trust the experts. I wanted to tell you that I know it was you who chopped down the tree outside my apartment and smashed my car, and I am going to make you pay!
MZMadame Zelda
Oh, please. I'm the Father of Our Country. You're just an angry little man with a smashed car. Thousands of people still visit my home every week. Does anyone visit your home?
Dan
I'm waiting until I clean it before I have company over.
Dan
This isn't over.
[Chris takes Dan out]
MZMadame Zelda
The things I do for 50 bucks. [gasps] Wait! Madame Zelda demands a full payment!
[at the car] That was a waste of time.
Dan
Are you kidding me? Were we not in the same seance? He bragged about his house. That's what he's most proud of, Mount Vernon, so that's what we're going to take away from him.
Dan
I can't believe that you bought her along! This is terrible!
You have been complaining for the last 6 hours.
Yeah, give it a rest. I'm going with you. I'm in the car and everything.
Dan
Can't we drop her off somewhere? She'll find a way home. She always does!
I'm coming along to get revenge on George Washington.
Dan
The last thing I need is- Really?
Dan
Oh thanks. I would also like shotgun.
You can't have it. How are you planning on destroying Mount Vernon anyway?
Dan
I have a bunch of explosives in the trunk. That reminds me. Don't get into an accident. And you might want to take speed bumps very slowly.
[whispering] Couldn't we just take him to an abandoned house somewhere and tell him it's Mount Vernon?
Dan has a very strange patchwork of knowledge. It's anybody's guess what he knows about any given topic. Watch: Dan? Who made Mt. Rushmore?
Dan
Gutzon Borglum. Then his son finished it. Why?
Dan
D- I don't know, Ecuador something?! What's with all the questions?
So there is a savant half.
Dan
Lovely place you have here.
HHiram
Now, if you boys are thirsty, that kettle's where I sterilize my drinking water.
Actually, I am a bit parched.
HHiram
It's also where I take my baths.
Dan
What time is it, by the way?
HHiram
Well, let's see. According to the stars, it's nigh on 8:53.
Dan
Where's your television? My stories are about to come on.
HHiram
Television? Oh, not in my house. Tell you what, why don't you entertain yourself with my zoetrope?
Dan
[while looking at Hiram's zoetrope] So does this guy ever blow up or something? I mean there's not even a story arc.
HHiram
I got one of a plus-sized woman in a bubble bath. But it's... ahh, it's for my eyes only, if you get me.
Dan
Have we derailed Barry Ditmer's plans yet? Have we stopped the momentum of technological progress?
You have to let this go, Dan. Don't you see the parallels between yourself and Hiram?
Dan
What are you talking about?
Oh, well, you hate technology. He hates technology. He's incredibly angry. You're incredibly angry.
Dan
Who's angry? How dare you! I'll strangle you!
Dan
I'll admit there does seem to be a tenuous connection.
If you don't change your ways, you'll end up just like him.
Dan
Oh, I think that's a stretch.
You know what? We are going to talk about this. [stops the car]
Dan
We should probably get further away from the ax murderer before we stop the car.
We've gone 30 miles. There's no way he could cover that kind of distance on foot. [he and Dan scream as they see an ax on the car]
HHiram
To the ends of the Earth!
Well, I've been wrong before.
Dan
[at the barber shop having his haircut] 1 haircut, my good man, and make me look dashing. Sounds like somebody's got a date. Well, hop up. I do have a date. She's cute, and she likes zombie spaghetti westerns, a cinematic subgenre of which I consider myself a connoisseur. We are going to see "A Fistful of Brains" tonight. She sounds like the perfect girl. Don't I know it. And pretty too.
Why do you have her driver's license?
Dan
To run a background check, make sure she's not a serial killer or an organ donor. They don't always wait till you're dead, you know. Possibly the future ex-Mrs. Dan if she plays her cards right.
Well, don't worry. I'll make sure you look nice and handsome for your date. [cuts his hair with a razor offscreen]
Dan
[inside the barber shop] NOOOO! You made me a monster!
Wait! You forgot your lollipop!
Dan
[runs off and hides his haircut using his shirt until he sees himself in the puddle] Maybe it's not so bad. [he walks off until he sees a lady with a baby as the baby cries at Dan's horrible haircut]
LLady
My apologies, sir. She is usually so calm. I am so sorry about your obviously horrible, grotesquely disfiguring accident. [the lady leaves]
Dan
BARBER!!!
[Dan arrives at Chris and Elise's house with a bad haircut]
It's not that bad. Okay, it's pretty bad.
Dan
You know, he did this on purpose to ruin my date.
That seems a little paranoid. Why would a barber- wait. Date?
Dan
Yes, date.
Seriously? With a real, live girl?
Dan
And just what are you implying? What are you telling her?
I'm sorry. I just don't-- I mean, how does that even-- I mean, how did you get her to say yes?
Dan
The Dan method. [chuckles] She totally fell for it. First, I ask her about the book she was reading. Then, during our conversation, I discovered that she likes a lot of the same stuff I like. Then we talked about that stuff. It was masterful, if I do say so myself.
Yes, devious. You talked to her.
And he found out that they had a lot in common.
Dan
I'm picking up a lot of sarcasm here, but I'm not getting what it's about.
I'm not trying to be snarky. I'm just impressed. That's great.
Dan
It was great, and then that ham-fisted hack barber did this to me. Now I'll have to cancel my date.
Why? If a girl really likes you, a bad haircut won't make a difference.
Dan
What do you know about what women like? You married Chris.
Dan
Anyway, I can't see Becky until my hair grows back.
Why don't you just shave your head?
Dan
Calp fungus. I just need a temporary excuse, something simple and plausible. [he calls Becky]
Dan
Hi, Becky. It's Dan. Bad news. The FBI just discovered a new species of penguin, beautiful and endangered, and they want me to club one to death and dissect it immediately.
Dan
Yeah. They're doing that now. So I leave for the North Pole tonight.
BBecky
But penguins live at the South Pole.
Dan
Yeah. Everybody's pretty surprised. Anyway, I won't be able to go to the movie tonight.
BBecky
Mm, that's okay. My friend Mike really wanted to see it. I'll just go with him.
Dan
Oh, Mike. Good. [hangs up the phone] Mike. [he writes Mike's name on his list] Mike. Well, anyway, I'll be back in 3 weeks or so. I'll call you then.
Dan
She's going with MIKE? Man, I hate that barber. Help me get back at him.
Dan
It'll take 10 minutes. You hold him down, and I cut off his hands.
Maybe something less felonious.
Dan
What, like the barber gave me a bad haircut, so I give him a bad haircut? Wow! Real-hey. Can I borrow your hedge trimmers?
[Dan, Chris, and Elise arrive at the lake]
Dan
This is it. It's beautiful! Yeah, the perfect place to relax. There he is, my archnemesis. [while looking at the lake through Chris' binoculars] Becky? Wait a minute! [he yells and destroys Chris' binoculars]
Dan
It's Becky! The barber's her father!
[Chris and Elise have been arrested]
This is all a misunderstanding.
We're very sorry about all this.
Dan
Chris. Hey, Chris.
Now is not a good time, Dan. We're being arrested. What did you do?
Dan
What did you do?
We didn't do anything. You told us you rented this cabin.
Dan
Oh, right. I lied about that. Hey, when you get done at the police station, can you help me break into the barber's cabin? I messed up, and now-
I am not helping you do anything ever again.
Dan
We both know you don't mean-
[as the police takes him to the police car] Still think he turned a corner?
That is your last I told you so. One more, and you join Dan in a shallow grave.
Weren't you wearing handcuffs a second ago?
[Dan relaxing after shaving Barber's hair]
Dan
Well, it took a lot of work but I got even with the barber. Now I can sleep. Good night, Mr. Mumbles.
[Barber enters in Dan's apartment, with a scissor, he is now bald]
[Dan screams]
I'm not gonna hurt you, Dan... yet!
Dan
Oddly, that's less reassuring than I'd like it to be.
I am here to declare a barber vendetta on you.
Dan
Barber vendetta?
Did you think barbers just cut hair? [pulls out razor]
Dan
Of course not. They also sing in quartets. Oh!
since the dawn of Western civilization, barber surgeons were responsible for surgery, [stabs poster with a scissor] dentistry [stabs couch with a razor] and bloodletting. Bloodletting, Dan. You have insulted me, Dan! I am here to declare the Hallowed Society [pulls of Dan's beanie] of Barber Surgeons is going to end your life! Soon! [puts on beanie] And you won't see it coming! Sleep well. [leaves]
[Chris is massaging Elise's back]
I did just spend a day in jail.
Yeah, well, let's just forget all about-
No, Dan's hiding in our bushes again. I swear I'm going to set a bear trap in there someday.
[walks by and opens the door to see Dan hiding in their bushes] Come on in, Dan.
[Dan enters]
Dan
Phew! Nice to be in a place where they don't want to kill you. [sits on the couch]
[pulls the coffee table away from Dan] I wouldn't assume that.
Dan
For the last time, I'm sorry about the cabin. Also, for the first time. [eats grapes]
Are you sorry because you lied to us or are you just saying sorry because you need our help?
Dan
Look, what's important is barbers have a shadowy, secret organization.
Sure, the Hallowed Society of Barber Surgeons.
Eh. The good news is that any organization like that is bound to have a rigid code of conduct. If you can find out what the rules are, you can exploit them.
Dan
Great! Will you help me?
Dan
Oh, please! I'll do anything. I'll... I'll rent you a cabin. For real.
[Elise closes book, looks at Chris]
[Dan and Chris arrive at an art museum]
I can't believe she thinks I have bad taste. Well, when I get back from this museum, I'll be the most educated, refined art lover that ever lived. She'll see. I mean, it's just art. How complicated could it be? What's this supposed to be, a steering wheel? This isn't helping at all. How am I supposed to tell the good art from the bad?
Dan
It's all bad. All right, back to basics. [he gets ready to light up a painting but a old security guard takes it away from him] Huh?
OSOld Security Guard
No open flames in the museum. [walks away with Dan's lighter]
Dan
Hey, that's my favorite lighter. You think I won't hurt an old man? I'll hurt an old man. [the security guard picks him up] Unhand me! He's getting away.
[Chris is staring at a picture of a flower, then, Dan and Chris are sitting at an museum's bench]
[while eating a fake burger] Museum food tastes like plastic.
Dan
Another reason why art must suffer.
OSOld Security Guard
[walks up to Dan and Chris] You can't touch the art.
Dan
Um, neither of us are touching any art, grandpa.
SGSecurity Guard
First of all, that's my grandpa, not yours, and second, you're sitting on a one-of-a-kind masterpiece.
Dan
The bench? The bench is art now?
SGSecurity Guard
And the sandwich.
SGSecurity Guard
Wasn't there also an apple pie?
[when Chris' stomach gumbles, the security guard kick Dan and Chris out of the museum]
This whole art thing is just so frustrating. It's giving me a stomachache. I think some of that exhibit was toxic.
Dan
[reads the poster] That's him. That's the guy I should be after, the so-called "artist" who ruined my car. Come on, Chris.
I don't know. I should probably go to the hospital. I ate a whole plastic pie.
Dan
No time. We have a mission. To make Art Artstein art history. Let's go. [he bumps himself to the street painting]
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
