Dan quotes from Dan Vs.

Okay, let's get those pants off.

Dan

Um, I'm here about my face being all scratched.

[chuckles] Oh, don't worry. I'm not a doctor.

Dan

[goes on a walk with comic books on his hand] Grab bags, what a scam. They lure you in with something you like. Hmm. Something with an uplifting message. What is this? Nothing but a hockey almanac, "The Maple Pals," "Sgt. Saskatchewan"! This is the worst comic book ever. No dark side, no inner rage. He doesn't even have any enemies, and politeness is not a superpower. So many maple leaves.

Can I talk to you for a minute, sir?

Dan

It's "may I," and no.

We need your help to save the Canadian geese.

Dan

I don't even like American geese. One time, a goose bit me and stole my sandwich.

I'm sure that's not true.

Dan

Don't you impugn me, you goose smoocher. I say it bit me! like this! Ohh! Ooh! And this. [the man leaves and falls on syrup] Ugh. Sticky. Maple syrup? [picks up the maple syrup jar] Who's responsible for this? CANADA!

Chris

Hello.

Dan

I'M COVERED IN SYRUP!

Chris

Who is this?

Dan

Get over here right now. We're going to war with Canada. [falls to the floor sticky as a split screen closes]

Elise

What's going on with Dan? Did he say something about syrup?

Chris

Yes. He's covered in it. Now he wants revenge on Canada.

Elise

Oh, that Dan.

Chris

Always covered in something.

Chris

So do we have a plan?

Dan

Of course. We go to Canada and make them pay for what they did to me.

Chris

That's not really a plan so much as a goal.

Dan

Fine. You want a plan? Here you go. Step 1, we go to Canada. Step 2, we make them pay for what they did to me!

Chris

Now it's a checklist.

Dan

Would you focus? Here's what I know about Canada. England and France had a baby out of wedlock, and that baby was Canada. Now, as for Canadians. [tells a story of a bear drinking a bottle] First, they drink maple syrup directly out of the bottle. Second, most Canadians are at least half bear.

Chris

I don't think they're actually half bear, Dan.

Dan

What do you know about it?

Chris

A little bit, actually.

Dan

Okay, Prime Minister. You tell me.

Chris

Canadians thrive in cold climates. They live in the shadow of a massive glacier, blissfully unaware of the horrific fate that would befall them should the glacier ever collapse.

Dan

Good. That's good. Maybe we can use that.

Chris

What else? You could put a Canadian in a lineup with a bunch of normal people, and you wouldn't be able to tell. You have to wait until they drop "eh" or an "aboot" or- This is a good one. They say, "Sory."

Dan

You're right. Normal people never apologize.

Chris

No, it's not that. They say, "Sory," to rhyme with "story." We say, "Sorry."

Dan

What does that rhyme with?

Chris

Mata Hari?

Dan

Wait. How do you know so much about Canadians, anyway?

Chris

Nothing. I just, you know- no reason.

Dan

What are you hiding from me?

Chris

I'm 1/16 Canadian.

Dan

And you never told me?

Chris

It's not my fault. My great-great-grandfather came from Ottawa.

Dan

Are you trying to sabotage my mission?

Chris

No! I'm as disgusted by Canada as the next person, honest.

Dan

Prove it.

Chris

I can't prove it. You're going to have to trust me.

Dan

And if I don't?

Chris

Then you can get to Canada on your own.

Dan

I don't even know where Canada is.

Chris

It's north. You can't miss it.

Dan

Figures you'd know that. I suppose if you're you're still if you're 1/16th Canadian, you're still 10/16ths normal person.

Chris

You're being ridiculous, and your math doesn't even add up. I mean, what do you think the other 5/16 are?

Dan

Goo.

Chris

Wait a minute.

Dan

Look. They spelled stop wrong. Canadians.

Chris

It's French. I think we're in Quebec.

Dan

What? I hate Quebec. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! [hits the stop sign] I hate it! Whoa. What's this? Hmm. I'm beginning to like their style.

Dan

Would you get up? We're on a mission.

Chris

You landed on my kidneys.

Dan

You, you, you. What about me? What about my kidneys? Stay focused. We need to find that map.

Chris

All right. Where to now?

Dan

The Geological Society of Canada.

Chris

Where's that?

Dan

No idea.

Chris

Is there such a thing?

Dan

No idea.

Dan

Don't you find it weird that the bristles hurt more than the stick?

Chris

At least they were nice enough to drop us off at the hospital after they beat us. Canadians are polite. Violent, but polite.

Dan

We should get out of here before they bring us a bill for millions of dollars.

Chris

They have socialized medicine up here, Dan. They're not gonna charge us.

Dan

Oh! I can't believe what I'm hearing. Don't take their side.

Chris

Sorry.

Dan

Did you just say, "Sory"?

Chris

Huh? No. No. You're hearing things.

Dan

You did. You said, "Sory."

Chris

I did not.

Dan

I've had my doubts about you from the beginning. You've been sabotaging me this whole time, you big, dumb caribou!

Chris

I've been helping you, you ungrateful hoser.

Dan

Hoser? I knew it. You are half bear. And I don't need you. Get out.

Chris

Fine.

Dan

Fine.

Chris

Good luck getting home.

Dan

Good luck being stupid.

Chris

Well, good luck. You're stupid. [he opens the door while he and Dan give themselves serious looks, then Dan finds a map while he hears an announcement] You're holding it upside down.

Dan

I know that! [turns the map normal]

Chris

Wait a minute. What's this?

Dan

[yelling] I don't know! I can't read maps! [crumbles the map]

Chris

I've got it. What? You want to destroy Canada, follow me.

Dan

I'm taking this stethoscope.

Elise

[checks Chris' temp] Oh, 102.

Dan

[on the phone, sick] Chris, get over here. Make me some soup.

Chris

Who's that? [hangs up]

Elise

Telemarketer. I'm going to get you some more tea.

Dan

[after Chris hung up on him] Chicken noodle. Maybe some beef broth. Hello?

Chris

Real nice, Dan. You almost killed us. Way to go.

Dan

Almost only counts in horseshoes and- [another explosion is heard]

Dan

[finds Hal] Helicopter Hal, we meet at last. Nice jacket.

I don't sign autographs, thanks.

Dan

Oh, I'm no fan. [punches Hal]

Why?

Dan

That's for making me pee!

What?

Dan

You love traffic!

Well, it is my bread and butter!

Dan

[punches him again] That's 'cause I can't digest butter!

Well, how is that my fault? You can't just punch a celebrity!

Dan

I didn't! Now get in there and fly this thing.

Dan

Oh, this is terrible, come on! [everyone tells him to be quiet] Why are they shushing me? It's those Apple Johns onstage who are butchering the material.

[walks up to Dan] Please be quiet. You're disturbing the other patrons. [spills the soup on Dan's lap] Oops.

Dan

OW! You scalded me, you jackanape!

Sir, I've already asked you to keep it down.

What clodpole disturbs the traffic of our stage?

[walks up to Dan] Alright, sir, it is time for you to make haste.

Dan

You don't tell me what to make. Unhand me! [gets thrown out of the dinner theatre] Throw me out? I'll throw you out, stupid hacks, misinterpreting the material. [the police officer walks up to him] It's the Bard, for crying out loud. No respect.

Sir, there's no loitering here.

Dan

I'm not loitering. I was thrown out of the theater for having taste, and now I'm waiting for my friends. Well, my friend and his wife.

Sure, you are. Listen, sir, although I'm concerned with the plight of the homeless--

Dan

[yelling] I'M NOT HOMELESS!

[gives Dan a ticket] Then here's your ticket for loitering.

Dan

Loitering?

Move along, sir. Don't make me arrest you.

Dan

It's never-ending with this place. Got the cops on the take. [walks off]

Chris

Hello.

Dan

We have to make them pay. They bruised my face with frozen produce. They are going down. Come over right now.

Chris

Nope. I'm on a date.

Dan

With Elise?

Elise

Yes, Dan.

Dan

You'd rather spend time with some girl than help me get revenge? When are you going to grow up? [hangs up]

Dan

Baseball is a contemptible sport.

Chris

It's not contemptible.

Dan

It needs to pay. It ruined my TV time, and it broke the side mirror on my car.

Chris

How exactly?

Dan

It preempted my stories.

Chris

I meant the mirror thing.

Dan

Don't get bogged down with minutiae. Drive me to Washington. I am going to yell at the president of baseball.

Chris

He's called a commissioner.

Dan

Oh, commissioner. La-dee-da. I'll have him reimburse me for my mirror and promise never to preempt my show again.

Chris

How do you plan to do that?

Dan

Step 1, you drive me to Washington. Step 2, shut up.

Chris

Okay, I'll go.

Dan

I don't want to hear your excuses, you miserable— wait, did you say "okay?"

Chris

Yeah, do you think we could try and get into the World Series? I mean, the last game's being played there in 3 days.

Dan

Wait. You like baseball?

Chris

I really do. Plus I'm on my own this weekend. Elise is--

Dan

Irrelevant. We go to see the Commissioner. If he won't meet my demands, then you have to break his legs, okay?

Chris

Uh, no.

Dan

Fine. 1 leg. Come and pick me up.

Dan

[after seeing the photos on TV] Oh, look at that! Those pictures don't even look like us!

Chris

Actually, Dan, it's probably a really good thing if the police sketches don't look like us. Don't be so sensitive.

Sir! Thank you for your generous donation, sir. [opens the back of the truck]

Chris

No problem.

This old thing was just sitting around.

Dan

[inside the chair] Ow!

Chris

Shhh! -hould I, uh, help you move it? It's deceptively heavy. And misanthropic.

That would be great. [he and Chris lift the chair and put it in the truck] What was that sir?

Chris

Nothing. Enjoy the Dan. Chair. The chair's name... is "Dan". Goodbye chair.