[after Ted Danson and Larry decide to switch their sandwiches]
TTed
Just if anyone asks me, what's in my new sandwich?
Oh, ok, it's um, you got white fish. You know, white fish?
White fish and sable. Uhm..
JeffIt's a fish like a white fish. Smoked fish.
TTed
You have two fishes in the sandwich?
But they blend very well together. They're like Siamese twins, white fish and sable.
TTed
What else is in it? No condiments?
Jeff
Cream cheese.
There's some cream cheese..it's..
Jeff
Capers.
[Larry gives Jeff a look]
There may be some capers but I'm not sure. You can always brush them off, it's not a big deal.
Jeff
Onions.
[Larry gives Jeff another look]
What are you talking about?
TTed
My sandwich is turkey, cole slaw, russian dressing. It's a classic. People come in and they order a "Ted Danson".
Yeah but you're not there. You don't go in there.
TTed
Yeah but people are used to my sandwich. All of a sudden they show up there and they're eating the "Ted Danson" sandwich, you know, all of a sudden has herring and lox..
Jeff
Capers..and onions.
Jeff
I've never tasted anything like this.
CCaterer
Are you talking about this? It's pulgoki. The Korean florist brought it, it's delicious.
[Larry's face turns to disgust]
OHHH! OSCAR! THAT PULGOKI'S OSCAR!! YOU'RE EATING A DOG, YOU'RE EATING A DOG!!
[at Marty's house]
Jeff
We gotta get going. My daughter is waiting for a puppet show.
My dad has a virus in bed with a fever with covers up to his head.
Your dad always has a virus.
Hey, fuck you, he doesn't always have a virus.
[Auntie Rae] went over the appropriate amount of time that I can have human contact without getting aroused. I only have five seconds. After that, it's out of my control.
Jeff
Not me. I've got discipline down there. I have a very discerning penis—very discerning.
Jeff
Really? Just out of control. It's wild.
It's a feral tiger, yeah.
Jeff
[looks in a mirror and realizes he is bald] OH, MY GOD! NO!! NO!!!
Jeff
OH, MY GOD!!!! LOOK AT ME!
What the hell happened to you?!
Jeff
What happened?!
NNurse
Dr. Page accidentally shaved Mr. Green's head...
Jeff
Shaved my head?!
Wait a minute. "Accidentally"?
Jeff
He operated my head?
NNurse
No, the procedure was cancelled. The operation is going to be... rescheduled.
So he didn't have the surgery?!
Oh, you look horrible! Jeff!
PDr. Page
[enters the room] Nurse, would you please excuse us? [the nurse leaves the room]
Doctor, what the hell happened?! Look at him!
Jeff
What happened?! What happened?!
PDr. Page
Mr. and Mrs. Green, I am so sorry. I was coming to see you in the operating room, and I had just been victimized by a terrible incident in the cafeteria. And so I came to the operating room, and I was so angered, and I was upset, and I was confused, and I mistakenly shaved your head, for which I'm so sorry.
A mistake is correct! You took it out on his head?!
PDr. Page
Well, I can explain. I'm leaving the cafeteria, and I'm walking past a table, and this horrible man uses the most vile word in the English language to refer to a black person, and I went into a blind rage, and I left there, and I went to the operating room, and made this terrible mistake, for which I'm so sorry.
Do you know who this man was?
PDr. Page
I have no idea who he was. He was just a despicable bald man.
Did he, by any chance, wear glasses?
PDr. Page
Yes... As a matter of fact, he was wearing glasses. And it was awful. It was just absolutely awful.
Jeff
Yeah.
How can you talk about the food? I wanna throw up. We should get out of here.
AAndy
Yes, let's get out of here.
Oh, that's a wonderful idea.
I want to get out of here now.
Let me explain something to you, moron, okay? Swan killers leave. People who aren't swan killers stay, have a little lunch, enjoy themselves, socialize, get to know the members. There's nothing wrong. Get it?
Guess what, I'm not a swan killer, okay?
Hey, let me remind you of something, asshole. You're talking way too loud about swan killing in the dining room. Why is that so hard to understand?
How many rules are you gonna break? You're not suppose to have your phone on, it's always ringing. You killed a swan!
Keep your fucking voice down!
[raises butter knife] Shut up! Shut up!
Okay. I've got some great news. Guess where the Funkman is going for three weeks.
Jeff
Oh!
Jeff
How about that?
On business, how great is that?
She doesn't like to travel.
NNan
I don't go on business trips with him.
Have you ever been there?
Oh my God, you should go. It's really beautiful this time of year.
NNan
Maybe I should go, Marty.
No, it's cold. Right now it's cold and foggy and dangerous. They have gangs over there and everything else and I'll be doing business.
NNan
I never travel with you. I think it's a great idea. I'm going.
NNan
Thank you. That's decided. I'm in.
L.D. Guess who's getting a divorce.
Martin Norton Funkhouser.
And it's because of you! That man and I were talking about the London trip...
...I started to realize, "wait a minute. If I did go to Europe without her, I'd come back "and it would be 20 more years of boredom." So I said to Nan, "look, let's get a divorce." She said okay. I'm gonna be single! You and me!
Jeff
Congratulations. Congratulations.
You know what you do when you get a fucking divorce? Ride around and bump the horn and shit like motherfuckers getting married.
Put cans on your car, beep your horn.
Get out there, and get some new ass. Know what I'm saying, huh? You done ran the other ass in the ground, right?
Uh, I don't want to talk about my wife like that.
You ran that ass in the ground, and you're moving on, right?
Well, I didn't run any—we had a nice marriage for 20 years.
You ran that other ass in the ground…
I don't run people's ass in the ground.
It's not a negative thing to run an ass in the ground. That's all.
[Marty is meeting Larry and Jeff at the Palestinian chicken restaurant] Shalom. You know, I thought all last night, 'If Rabin can break bread with Arafat, I can have chicken at this antisemitic shithole.'
Jeff
Okay. That's just not gonna work.
Jeff
The yarmulke.
I can't go in with wearing this yarmulke?
You're just shoving it in their faces.
Jeff
No no no no no no. It's far too cocky a move.
What is this, a raid on Entebbe? Let's just kind of walk in casually.
What? Proud Jews wear yarmulkes.
Yeah. Be proud here in the parking lot. You don't need to be proud in there.
Let's just go in and sit down.
Take it off. Take it off.
Don't you dare go after my-
Don't you reach for that. Don't you ever touch that. No, don't ever grab my yarmulke. Give it to me. Don't ever grab my yarmulke, ever. How dare you?! Don't ever touch my yarmulke. Do you understand?
Jeff
What the hell was that? We're gonna go eat without you.
Good. Who needs you? Get-- get out of here!
[Meeting Shara for the first time] Oh please. Thank you. Thank you. Oh. Well, hello.
SShara
You're a Jew, yes?
Yes, I am a Jew. A big Jew. Big.
SShara
A big Jew and you still told him to take off his Jew cap?
SShara
Thank you, my friend. What's your name?
My friends call me Larry.
Jeff
Let's get some chicken.
Hey, I'm Dino from Big Dog productions. I'm moving in next door. You can call me Dog. Everybody calls me Dog.
Um, anyway, I'm doing the shark show. You've heard of the shark show, right, "Great White Wonderland"?
I've seen some ads on buses, yeah.
Yeah, that's the show. Anyway, we're going to be seeing each other around campus, so I just thought I'd drift on in and say hey.
Nice to meet you too. Oh, we're probably gonna be sharing the kitchen? Do you mind if I take a cabinet?
I really really appreciate it.
Jeff
I can't believe you just gave away a cabinet. You never give up a cabinet. Never give up a cabinet.
Jeff
You don't give away a cabinet.
Eh, I think it'll be fine.
Jeff
No, it's not gonna be fine.
Aw, don't worry about it.
Jeff
Let's go, come on.
Curb Your Enthusiasm · 201 quotes
