Jeff Greene quotes from Curb Your Enthusiasm

Jeff

If you're gonna be a maniac, pyro's not a good maniac.

Larry

You try to do something nice, see what happens?

Jeff

You get screwed.

Larry

You do one nice thing in your life. I assume it's the first nice thing you've ever done in your life.

Jeff

You're so complimentary.

Larry

It would put you one up on me, if that's the case. Although, I did, once, try and stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car. I screamed out "Watch out!" and she said "Don't you tell me what to do!"

Jeff

And that's all it took to for you to stop helping people?

Larry

I got out of the "nice" business at that point.

Got any spare change?

Jeff

Nah, I got nothing, man.

Larry

[hands him some leftovers] Want this?

What is it?

Larry

It's tuna.

I don't like tuna.

Jeff

How did she die?

Larry

Killed herself.

Jeff

No, she didn't.

Larry

Killed herself.

Jeff

Why?

Larry

Nobody knows, she didn't leave a note. That is so rude, isn't it?

Jeff

That's really rude.

Larry

I mean, if you leave your house for ten minutes to go get a container of milk, you tell somebody where you went.

Jeff

I let my wife know before I go anywhere.

Larry

Yeah. Would it have killed her to leave a note?

Jeff

You gotta go.

Larry

What?

Jeff

You gotta go.

Larry

The hell are you talking about?

Jeff

You copped a feel off my mom, you gotta go.

Larry

Your mother thinks I touched her breast? That is so sick!

Jeff

It's what she thinks. What can I say? Sweet dreams.

Larry

"Sweet dreams". I'll dream about fucking your mother. "Sweet dreams."

Jeff

Do me a favor. Let me take care of the sunglasses.

Larry

The sunglasses?

Jeff

Give them to me, let me take care of them.

Larry

You want me to give a gift now?

Jeff

You gave it to her.

Larry

After this "entertaining" evening?

Jeff

C'mon, you gave it to her.

Larry

I don't think so. No.

Jeff

That's called "Indian giving".

Larry

Yes, I know what it's called. It's a very racist term but I'm okay with that.

Hey, Jabroni, open the window.

Larry

I'm awfully sorry.

I didn't ask your opinion. I've got three kids in there scared to death because some bald-headed turd is shooting at them.

Larry

No, sir, we were playing Cowboys and Indians.

Have you heard of Columbine? It's idiots like you that cause this whole society to be going crazy with violence.

Larry

No, I'm not a violent...

Shut up! You know what you're looking at? You are looking at 245 pounds of steel and drop-your-bony-butt-to-the-curb appeal. I will body-slam you so hard that you will poop your bald pants. You hear me?

Larry

Yes, sir.

Don't you ever, ever, EVER point another finger at my kids again because if you do, I will break it off, and shove it up your sphincter. You hear me?

Larry

Yes, sir.

Larry

Remember earlier today you said that you owed me one?

Jeff

Yeah, I owe you big.

Larry

I need to take you up on it.

Jeff

Wow, okay, what?

Larry

Like, now, like, quickly.

Jeff

Right now.

Larry

Yeah.

Jeff

What?

Larry

I actually have a rather bizarre request.

Jeff

What?

Larry

I want you to go outside, there's a station wagon out there.

Jeff

What?

Larry

I want you to let the air out of somebody's tires. It says "14 THOR" on the license plate. It's a red station wagon, it's in front, you can't miss it.

Jeff

"14 THOR," but why?

Larry

You said you owed me one.

Jeff

All right, yeah, sure.

Larry

But you have to do it now, hurry up.

Jeff

All right, you'll be here, right?

Larry

I'll be here, yeah. Thank you.

Larry

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hey.

Larry

Hey, how you doing?

Good, you?

Larry

Good, hey, listen, your dad's that wrestler, isn't he?

Yep.

Thor.

Big tall guy.

Larry

Well, listen, I got a little piece of information for you that might interest you. Wrestling's fixed.

What do you mean?

Larry

All the matches are set up beforehand. The winners are all pre-determined. It's completely illegitimate.

You mean it's fake?

Larry

Exactly: Fake. That's exactly the word I'm looking for. Dad's kind of a big fake. You know what he is? He's more of an actor than a wrestler.

Dad's an actor?

Larry

That's right. The whole thing's a big phony boloney. Everybody knows that. Nobody thinks it's real. Hey, you tell him the bald turd said hello, okay?

Jeff

So, tomorrow night, you guys wanna go to dinner before part two?

Cheryl

Uhmm...

Larry

No.

Cheryl

Well, I do wanna go to part two.

Larry

No.

Jeff

You gotta go to part two! You're a part of the ABC Family!

Cheryl

Yeah, we're definitely going to part two.

Larry

Yeah, but we're not going to dinner with you though.

Cheryl

We've already made plans.

Larry

We don't have any plans, we just don't wanna go to dinner with you.

Larry

Jesus Christ! My penis is itching!

Jeff

You know what? You put that doll head down there and who knows what that hair is made out of. You've got a allergic reaction, I'm telling you.

Larry

Yeah, I think I got some kinda rash. I gotta check out my penis, I have to go to the doctor now? That's going to be a lot of fun; "Where'd you get the rash?" "Oh, I stuck a doll's head down my pants, Doctor. It feels good to me!"

Larry

[thinking back in his mind] Maybe someday I'll do something good for somebody like that. [yells out] SCUM SUCKING MOTHERFUCKING WHORE!

Jeff

COCK, COCK! JIZZUM! GRANDMA! COCK! [gestures for someone else to continue]

BUM! FUCK! TURD! FART! CUNT! PISS! SHIT! BUGGER AND BALLS!

DAMN IT! HELL! CRAP! SHIT!

Cheryl

YOU GODFUCKINGDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BITCH!

Susie

Fuck you, you car wash cunt! I had a dental appointment!

Fellatio, cunnilingus , french kissing! [there's a slight chuckle from the crowd which gets louder as the scene progresses] Rim job!

Crap, piss!

Fucking, fucking fuck fuck!

Schmuck, putz!

Richard Lewis

Pussy, pig fucker!

Balls!

Boy cock, Girl cock, E-I-E-I-O!

Marty

Hey Lar, you ever hear of Denta Friend?

Larry

Denta Friend? No.

Marty

It's a new sonic toothbrush that would really get rid of your plaque.

Larry

What are you talking about, get rid of plaque. I don't have any plaque.

Marty

My cousin's hygienist told me you have plaque.

Larry

Your cousin's hygienist told you I have a lot of plaque?

Marty

What's the big deal? Plaque is not a serious disease.

Larry

First of all, number one I don't have any plaque...

(laughing)

Larry

Number two, she shouldn't be telling you, that's a breach of patient-hygienist confidentiality.

Jeff

There is no patient-hygienist confidentiality.

Larry

You're so wrong.

Susie

It's unethical, not legally like a doctor or a lawyer, but its unethical is what he's saying.

Larry

It's totally unethical, and I don't have any plaque by the way, do i have an electric toothbrush?

Cheryl

He has an electric toothbrush.

Larry

How often do I floss?

Cheryl

At least twice a day.

Tell him I don't have any plaque, okay, did you tell him that?

Marty

You have plaque.

Larry

Do you wanna have a plaque contest with me Marty?

Marty

Let's have a plaque contest.

Larry

Anytime you want.

Marty

Anytime you want.

Larry

Fine, you want to?

Marty

Challenge me just like you do in golf.

Jeff

Hey.

Came for my sneaker.

Jeff

What happened to you?

Larry

I fell in the toilet.

Jeff

How did you fall in the toilet?

Larry

I went to go pee and the seat was up.

Jeff

What does that have to do with you?

Larry

I pee sitting down.

Jeff

You pee sitting down?

Larry

Yeah, have you ever tried it?

Jeff

No!

Larry

It's more comfortable, when you get up during the night you don't have to turn the light on and wake up, and you get to read.

Jeff

What are you reading?

Larry

I'm reading a lot of stuff.

Jeff

What stuff?

Larry

If I pee twenty times a day, I can get through a whole New York Times for God sake!

Jeff

Twenty times?

Larry

Hey buddy, when your peeing all over your shoe, I'm learning something.

Jeff

What makes you think I'm peeing all over my shoe while you're learning something?

Larry

She calls me just out of the blue. Out of the blue, it's all set up. It's all set up. For next Thursday.

Jeff

Wow.

Larry

Can I do this? Is it wrong?

Jeff

You’re never gonna get another opportunity like this for the rest of your life, you have to do this. It’s a gift from your wife, she wants you to do it.

Larry

It’s my tenth anniversary present.

Jeff

It’s your tenth anniversary present. You have to do it.

Larry

I hope I can do it. She’s fierce.

Jeff

Ok, at first I thought it was my imagination but you’re talking really gay. [Larry gives him a confused look] No, no, no, really gay.

Larry

Get outta here.

Jeff

“Fierce”? Where does “fierce” come from? And everything is this and that. [making effeminate hand gestures] You know, what do you think?

Larry

Steve the choreographer says it all the time.

Jeff

Steve the choreographer, you’ve been spending a lot of time with him?

Larry

I probably picked up some of his mannerisms.

Jeff

Some!? All! You’re him! You’re him! You’re Steve the gay choreographer. You’ve become Steve the gay choreographer.

Larry

[Talking to Jeff at Leo Funkhouser’s funeral after looking in the open casket] My 5-wood’s in there.

Jeff

What?

Larry

Go see for yourself!

Jeff

Oh my god!

Larry

What the fuck is my 5-wood doing in the casket?

Jeff

He probably wanted to be buried with his golf club.

Larry

Sven must have put it in there, probably, on purpose.

Jeff

That’s a horrible thing to do.

Larry

That club's irreplaceable, it’s 10 years old, they don’t make it anymore!

Jeff

I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.

Larry

[Pauses] You got your clubs in your trunk?

Jeff

Yeah.

Jeff

No. No.

Larry

Why?

Jeff

Because I like the way mine feels.

Larry

Your club I can get at any other store in the country-

Jeff

But I like the feel!

Larry

Why should this guy be buried in eternity with my club? That’s not fair! I’ll buy you a new club!

Jeff

The exact same one! And it better have the same feel.