Richard Lewis quotes from Curb Your Enthusiasm

Richard

[regarding his girlfriend] She reads Wiesel and a lot of things.

Larry

She reads Wiesel?

Richard

That's right. Not everyone's a moron I go out with.

Larry

You know what she should be reading? Emily fucking Post!

Richard

You better call me later on, by sundown.

Larry

"By sundown"? What are you, Gary Cooper?

Richard

I can't believe you won't help out a blind man.

Larry

I can't believe you said "blind man" in front of a blind man!

Richard

Dr. Grambs, this is my friend, Larry David.

Larry

Hi, how you doing?

Richard

He's my dermatologist.

Larry

Really?

Richard

Yeah, for what, fifteen years already?

Larry

Even with the whole affirmative action thing?

Larry

You just cost me a customer!

Richard

I cost you a customer?! What are you, fucking Willy Loman?!

Richard Lewis

Seven years ago, I was in Paris and I remember it exac -

Larry

Forget Paris!

Richard Lewis

All right, you stole my outgoing message on my answering machine.

Larry

What are you crazy? What are you nuts?

Richard Lewis

Listen, I know you're ethicial. I'm ethical. You know when people steal jokes you fuckin' hate that? I hate it when people fuckin' steal my outgoing message. I came up with that message.

Larry

You don't even know what you're talking about.

Richard Lewis

You have the same answering machine outgoing message!

Larry

That's my message!

Richard Lewis

I wrote it in Paris!

Larry

You wrote it in Paris?! I had that message seven years ago!

Richard Lewis

Bullshit! You know what? I wrote it seven and a half years ago!

Larry

Listen, whose memory are you going to trust? An ex-alcoholic? Or a person who was lucid 24 hours a day his whole life? (Laughing)

Richard Lewis

Do me a favor. Just please change it because it's really bothering me.

Larry

(Still laughing) What? I'm not.

Richard Lewis

Listen, people call me and they call you and they go "Oh well Larry David has the same thing." It's not fuckin' Larry David's, it's mine! I mean I don't have a wife, my parents are dead. You have a family!

Larry

Oh, oh. He doesn't have a wife and his parents are dead.

Richard Lewis

That's right! I hold on to these things.

Larry

(fakes crying) He doesn't have a wife and his parents are dead. Oh.

Richard Lewis

Do me a favor and change it.

Larry

(Continues fake-crying) Yeah I'll change it because you don't have a wife and your parents, your parents they're dead! They would have been 95 but they're dead!

Larry

Oh its this guy he spotted me. Oh he's gonna want to do a stop and chat, don't...don't go.

Richard

(looks at watch) Oh my god I got to uh.. I got alot of shopping to do.

Larry

Oh what a fuck.

Richard

Have a blast.

Larry

[thinking back in his mind] Maybe someday I'll do something good for somebody like that. [yells out] SCUM SUCKING MOTHERFUCKING WHORE!

Jeff

COCK, COCK! JIZZUM! GRANDMA! COCK! [gestures for someone else to continue]

BUM! FUCK! TURD! FART! CUNT! PISS! SHIT! BUGGER AND BALLS!

DAMN IT! HELL! CRAP! SHIT!

Cheryl

YOU GODFUCKINGDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BITCH!

Susie

Fuck you, you car wash cunt! I had a dental appointment!

Fellatio, cunnilingus , french kissing! [there's a slight chuckle from the crowd which gets louder as the scene progresses] Rim job!

Crap, piss!

Fucking, fucking fuck fuck!

Schmuck, putz!

Richard Lewis

Pussy, pig fucker!

Balls!

Boy cock, Girl cock, E-I-E-I-O!

Larry

What do you think you're doing?! You're stealing my thing!

Richard

Stealing what thing?

Larry

Showing-up-on-the-wrong-night thing!

Richard

What, you have a fucking copyright on this?!

Larry

You can put my colon up next to your colon; we'll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon.

Richard Lewis

I will have a colon contest anytime you want.

Richard

If it wasn't for burlesque we wouldn't have Chaplin, or The Marx Brothers…

Marty

Oh, Chaplin was a hell of a pole dancer!