MartyHey Lar, you ever hear of Denta Friend?
Marty
It's a new sonic toothbrush that would really get rid of your plaque.
What are you talking about, get rid of plaque. I don't have any plaque.
Marty
My cousin's hygienist told me you have plaque.
Your cousin's hygienist told you I have a lot of plaque?
Marty
What's the big deal? Plaque is not a serious disease.
First of all, number one I don't have any plaque...
RMRussian Man (with Wife/Translator)
(laughing)
Number two, she shouldn't be telling you, that's a breach of patient-hygienist confidentiality.
There is no patient-hygienist confidentiality.
It's unethical, not legally like a doctor or a lawyer, but its unethical is what he's saying.
It's totally unethical, and I don't have any plaque by the way, do i have an electric toothbrush?
He has an electric toothbrush.
LLarry (talking to translator)
Tell him I don't have any plaque, okay, did you tell him that?
Marty
You have plaque.
Do you wanna have a plaque contest with me Marty?
Marty
Let's have a plaque contest.
Marty
Anytime you want.
Marty
Challenge me just like you do in golf.
How come you didn't tell us that I was eating a black penis, the other night?
Marty
You mean the cake? Well, I told you it was a black "log" cake.
Yeah, still, I was eating a black penis and you didn't mention it.
Marty
Well, eating a black penis is not appetizing to everybody.
Next time your gonna do something like that, tell me, okay? I think that's unfair.
Marty
Why did you take the balls home?
I didn't know they were balls.
[Larry is annoyed, having sponsored Marty Funkhouser to take part in a walk to raise money for Alzheimer's, to find him instead sitting in a cafe]
What are you doing? You're supposed to be walking.
Marty
I raise money; I don't walk.
You didn't tell me you were sitting, I wouldn't have given you money in the first place.
Marty
I didn't say I was walking.
Well, the walking is implied, is it not?
Marty
Don't you care about Alzheimer's?
Marty
How can you talk about the food? I wanna throw up. We should get out of here.
AAndy
Yes, let's get out of here.
Oh, that's a wonderful idea.
Marty
I want to get out of here now.
Let me explain something to you, moron, okay? Swan killers leave. People who aren't swan killers stay, have a little lunch, enjoy themselves, socialize, get to know the members. There's nothing wrong. Get it?
Marty
Guess what, I'm not a swan killer, okay?
Hey, let me remind you of something, asshole. You're talking way too loud about swan killing in the dining room. Why is that so hard to understand?
Marty
How many rules are you gonna break? You're not suppose to have your phone on, it's always ringing. You killed a swan!
Keep your fucking voice down!
Marty
You killed a swan!
[raises butter knife] Shut up! Shut up!
AAndy
Why did I order turkey? I should've just had the eggs and onions. I know they're good here.
Marty
Will you do me a favor and shut up about your food.
Yeah, he's right. All you're doing is complaining about your food. I told you to get the fruit. It's delicious.
AAndy
I had the fruit this morning. Why am I going to order it twice for?
You could have fruit twice in one day.
AAndy
No you can't, you get the acid reflux and it'll rip a hole in your stomach.
They have non-acidic fruit. You got papaya and mango and banana!
Marty
Okay. I've got some great news. Guess where the Funkman is going for three weeks.
Marty
London!
Marty
On business, how great is that?
Marty
She doesn't like to travel.
NNan
I don't go on business trips with him.
Have you ever been there?
Oh my God, you should go. It's really beautiful this time of year.
NNan
Maybe I should go, Marty.
Marty
No, it's cold. Right now it's cold and foggy and dangerous. They have gangs over there and everything else and I'll be doing business.
NNan
I never travel with you. I think it's a great idea. I'm going.
Marty
Let's talk about--
NNan
Thank you. That's decided. I'm in.
Well, look who's here. It's the big funk.
Marty
You are a colossal prick. Do you know that?
Boy, I'm really getting it today.
Marty
You think it's funny?
Marty
Let me tell you something. You ruined my whole vacation. You had to butt in and tell Nan to go on my trip.
Marty
I could have had three weeks working and being alone.
I was curious as to why she wasn't going. Why don't you just go with her? Why don't you bring her?
Marty
I'm bored! Everywhere I go with her we don't look at each other, she talks over me. I want to be alone. I want to get the chance to spread my wings.
Why don't you get a divorce?
Marty
I'm too lazy.
Marty
L.D. Guess who's getting a divorce.
Marty
Martin Norton Funkhouser.
Marty
And it's because of you! That man and I were talking about the London trip...
Marty
...I started to realize, "wait a minute. If I did go to Europe without her, I'd come back "and it would be 20 more years of boredom." So I said to Nan, "look, let's get a divorce." She said okay. I'm gonna be single! You and me!
Marty
Is that great?
Congratulations. Congratulations.
You know what you do when you get a fucking divorce? Ride around and bump the horn and shit like motherfuckers getting married.
Put cans on your car, beep your horn.
Marty
"Just divorced."
Marty
I'm excited. I'm single.
Get out there, and get some new ass. Know what I'm saying, huh? You done ran the other ass in the ground, right?
Marty
Uh, I don't want to talk about my wife like that.
You ran that ass in the ground, and you're moving on, right?
Marty
Well, I didn't run any—we had a nice marriage for 20 years.
You ran that other ass in the ground…
Marty
I don't run people's ass in the ground.
It's not a negative thing to run an ass in the ground. That's all.
Marty
[Marty is meeting Larry and Jeff at the Palestinian chicken restaurant] Shalom. You know, I thought all last night, 'If Rabin can break bread with Arafat, I can have chicken at this antisemitic shithole.'
Okay. That's just not gonna work.
Marty
What's not gonna work?
Marty
I can't go in with wearing this yarmulke?
You're just shoving it in their faces.
Marty
Let's go in.
No no no no no no. It's far too cocky a move.
What is this, a raid on Entebbe? Let's just kind of walk in casually.
Marty
What? Proud Jews wear yarmulkes.
Yeah. Be proud here in the parking lot. You don't need to be proud in there.
Marty
Let's just go in and sit down.
Take it off. Take it off.
Marty
I'm not doing anything-
Marty
Don't you dare go after my-
Marty
Don't you reach for that. Don't you ever touch that. No, don't ever grab my yarmulke. Give it to me. Don't ever grab my yarmulke, ever. How dare you?! Don't ever touch my yarmulke. Do you understand?
What the hell was that? We're gonna go eat without you.
Good. Who needs you? Get-- get out of here!
Curb Your Enthusiasm · 201 quotes
