Susie Greene quotes from Curb Your Enthusiasm

Susie

[after reading the obituary, to Jeff] Do me a favor. When I die, let someone else handle the obit, OK?

Susie

Stop scratching your balls and tell me where it is! All right, just get me the fucking [doll] head, all right?! Get me the fucking head, all right!? Both of you, I've had it! You four-eyed fuck and you fat piece of shit! Get me the head!

Susie

You sick fuck, Larry David! What the FUCK do you think you're doing, getting my kid DRUNK?!

Susie

Look, Wandering Elk or what ever the fuck your name is..

Larry

[thinking back in his mind] Maybe someday I'll do something good for somebody like that. [yells out] SCUM SUCKING MOTHERFUCKING WHORE!

Jeff

COCK, COCK! JIZZUM! GRANDMA! COCK! [gestures for someone else to continue]

BUM! FUCK! TURD! FART! CUNT! PISS! SHIT! BUGGER AND BALLS!

DAMN IT! HELL! CRAP! SHIT!

Cheryl

YOU GODFUCKINGDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BITCH!

Susie

Fuck you, you car wash cunt! I had a dental appointment!

Fellatio, cunnilingus , french kissing! [there's a slight chuckle from the crowd which gets louder as the scene progresses] Rim job!

Crap, piss!

Fucking, fucking fuck fuck!

Schmuck, putz!

Richard Lewis

Pussy, pig fucker!

Balls!

Boy cock, Girl cock, E-I-E-I-O!

Larry David? Why don't you close the door?

We have some time before the show. I'd like to give you your 10th anniversary present.

Susie

What are you doing?

Larry

Who invited you? Get the hell out of here!

Susie

Look at you, You are sick.

Larry

Where's the other one? I want the other one. Get out!

Susie

I'm the only one here, baby, and now for the rest of your life you sick four-eyed pervert fuck! You're gonna be fantasizing about me in this outfit! (laughing)

Marty

Hey Lar, you ever hear of Denta Friend?

Larry

Denta Friend? No.

Marty

It's a new sonic toothbrush that would really get rid of your plaque.

Larry

What are you talking about, get rid of plaque. I don't have any plaque.

Marty

My cousin's hygienist told me you have plaque.

Larry

Your cousin's hygienist told you I have a lot of plaque?

Marty

What's the big deal? Plaque is not a serious disease.

Larry

First of all, number one I don't have any plaque...

(laughing)

Larry

Number two, she shouldn't be telling you, that's a breach of patient-hygienist confidentiality.

Jeff

There is no patient-hygienist confidentiality.

Larry

You're so wrong.

Susie

It's unethical, not legally like a doctor or a lawyer, but its unethical is what he's saying.

Larry

It's totally unethical, and I don't have any plaque by the way, do i have an electric toothbrush?

Cheryl

He has an electric toothbrush.

Larry

How often do I floss?

Cheryl

At least twice a day.

Tell him I don't have any plaque, okay, did you tell him that?

Marty

You have plaque.

Larry

Do you wanna have a plaque contest with me Marty?

Marty

Let's have a plaque contest.

Larry

Anytime you want.

Marty

Anytime you want.

Larry

Fine, you want to?

Marty

Challenge me just like you do in golf.

Jeff

We gotta get going. My daughter is waiting for a puppet show.

Larry

My dad has a virus in bed with a fever with covers up to his head.

Susie

Your dad always has a virus.

Larry

Hey, fuck you, he doesn't always have a virus.

Jeff

[looks in a mirror and realizes he is bald] OH, MY GOD! NO!! NO!!!

Susie

[rushes in] What?!

Jeff

OH, MY GOD!!!! LOOK AT ME!

Susie

What the hell happened to you?!

Jeff

What happened?!

Susie

What happened, Nurse?!

Dr. Page accidentally shaved Mr. Green's head...

Jeff

Shaved my head?!

Susie

Wait a minute. "Accidentally"?

Jeff

He operated my head?

No, the procedure was cancelled. The operation is going to be... rescheduled.

Susie

So he didn't have the surgery?!

No.

Susie

Oh, you look horrible! Jeff!

[enters the room] Nurse, would you please excuse us? [the nurse leaves the room]

Susie

Doctor, what the hell happened?! Look at him!

Jeff

What happened?! What happened?!

Mr. and Mrs. Green, I am so sorry. I was coming to see you in the operating room, and I had just been victimized by a terrible incident in the cafeteria. And so I came to the operating room, and I was so angered, and I was upset, and I was confused, and I mistakenly shaved your head, for which I'm so sorry.

Susie

A mistake is correct! You took it out on his head?!

Well, I can explain. I'm leaving the cafeteria, and I'm walking past a table, and this horrible man uses the most vile word in the English language to refer to a black person, and I went into a blind rage, and I left there, and I went to the operating room, and made this terrible mistake, for which I'm so sorry.

Susie

Do you know who this man was?

I have no idea who he was. He was just a despicable bald man.

Susie

Bald?

Yes.

Susie

Did he, by any chance, wear glasses?

Yes... As a matter of fact, he was wearing glasses. And it was awful. It was just absolutely awful.

Marty

Okay. I've got some great news. Guess where the Funkman is going for three weeks.

Susie

Miami?

Marty

London!

Susie

London!

Jeff

Oh!

Larry

Ah!

Jeff

How about that?

Marty

On business, how great is that?

Susie

Wow, that's fun.

Larry

Are you going?

No.

Larry

Oh, really?

Marty

She doesn't like to travel.

I don't go on business trips with him.

Larry

Have you ever been there?

No.

Larry

Oh my God, you should go. It's really beautiful this time of year.

Hmm, really?

Larry

Yeah! London!

Maybe I should go, Marty.

Marty

No, it's cold. Right now it's cold and foggy and dangerous. They have gangs over there and everything else and I'll be doing business.

I never travel with you. I think it's a great idea. I'm going.

Marty

Let's talk about--

Thank you. That's decided. I'm in.

Larry

See you off? You're not going to India.

Larry

You're going to San Francisco! - It's an hour away.

Susie

- So what?

Larry

See you off? You'll be back that night.

Susie

You know what, Larry, it's not surprising to me that you're the only one of this group who's here as a single -

Larry

[CHUCKLES] Oh, yeah?

Susie

- with no girlfriend, no wife. Maybe if you would've seen Cheryl off a few more times, - you'd still be together.

Larry

- I don't think so.

Susie

- He wants to, trust me.

Larry

- No, trust me, he doesn't.

Susie

- Jeff, do you want to?

Jeff

- No.

Susie

- Well, you're going to.

Larry

- You know why you're doing this?

Susie

- Why, Larry?

Larry

Because you wanna ruin his day, that's why.

Susie

Okay, Kreskin. Could you read my mind? You think you know what goes on in the complexities of my brain and who I am.

Larry

hahaha - The complexities of who you are?

Larry

Who are you? You're a Jew from the Bronx!