Larry David quotes from Curb Your Enthusiasm

Jeff

Hey.

Came for my sneaker.

Jeff

What happened to you?

Larry

I fell in the toilet.

Jeff

How did you fall in the toilet?

Larry

I went to go pee and the seat was up.

Jeff

What does that have to do with you?

Larry

I pee sitting down.

Jeff

You pee sitting down?

Larry

Yeah, have you ever tried it?

Jeff

No!

Larry

It's more comfortable, when you get up during the night you don't have to turn the light on and wake up, and you get to read.

Jeff

What are you reading?

Larry

I'm reading a lot of stuff.

Jeff

What stuff?

Larry

If I pee twenty times a day, I can get through a whole New York Times for God sake!

Jeff

Twenty times?

Larry

Hey buddy, when your peeing all over your shoe, I'm learning something.

Jeff

What makes you think I'm peeing all over my shoe while you're learning something?

Larry

Hey

Marty

Hey Lar.

Larry

Get this, the weatherman is a total fraud, he predicts thundershowers so nobody will show up and he can have the golf course to himself, I just came from there hes playing with your cousin.

Marty

Why do you pee sitting down?

Larry

Many reasons.

Marty

Do you crap standing up?

Larry

Get together? You and me? Really?

Am I being too forward? Because...[whispering] when you were at the office, you gave me the tongue sign.

Larry

Tongue sign? Pshh...I...I was just really trying to get cotton out my mouth. [laughs]

Larry

So I don't get it, why me?

I don't know, you remind me of my college history teacher.

Larry

Was he an avuncular, bald Jew?

Larry

Hello?

So...where were we?

Larry

She calls me just out of the blue. Out of the blue, it's all set up. It's all set up. For next Thursday.

Jeff

Wow.

Larry

Can I do this? Is it wrong?

Jeff

You’re never gonna get another opportunity like this for the rest of your life, you have to do this. It’s a gift from your wife, she wants you to do it.

Larry

It’s my tenth anniversary present.

Jeff

It’s your tenth anniversary present. You have to do it.

Larry

I hope I can do it. She’s fierce.

Jeff

Ok, at first I thought it was my imagination but you’re talking really gay. [Larry gives him a confused look] No, no, no, really gay.

Larry

Get outta here.

Jeff

“Fierce”? Where does “fierce” come from? And everything is this and that. [making effeminate hand gestures] You know, what do you think?

Larry

Steve the choreographer says it all the time.

Jeff

Steve the choreographer, you’ve been spending a lot of time with him?

Larry

I probably picked up some of his mannerisms.

Jeff

Some!? All! You’re him! You’re him! You’re Steve the gay choreographer. You’ve become Steve the gay choreographer.

Larry

[Talking to Jeff at Leo Funkhouser’s funeral after looking in the open casket] My 5-wood’s in there.

Jeff

What?

Larry

Go see for yourself!

Jeff

Oh my god!

Larry

What the fuck is my 5-wood doing in the casket?

Jeff

He probably wanted to be buried with his golf club.

Larry

Sven must have put it in there, probably, on purpose.

Jeff

That’s a horrible thing to do.

Larry

That club's irreplaceable, it’s 10 years old, they don’t make it anymore!

Jeff

I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.

Larry

[Pauses] You got your clubs in your trunk?

Jeff

Yeah.

Jeff

No. No.

Larry

Why?

Jeff

Because I like the way mine feels.

Larry

Your club I can get at any other store in the country-

Jeff

But I like the feel!

Larry

Why should this guy be buried in eternity with my club? That’s not fair! I’ll buy you a new club!

Jeff

The exact same one! And it better have the same feel.

Hello?

Larry

Hey Dalilah, it's Larry David

[in a soft voice] Hi, Larry...

Larry

Hmm, sorry, but...I'm not gonna be able to make it tonight.

[disappointed] Why not...?

Larry

A dog bit my penis.

Could you state your name sir?

Larry

Larry David.

Mr. David, I'm Counselor Condon.

Larry

Counselor Condon, nice to meet you.

Have you ever served on a jury before?

Larry

No.

Have you ever been the victim of a serious crime?

Larry

My cousin once stole an Almond Joy from me, It was upsetting at the time but, umm...

I don't think that would be considered a serious crime. Is there any reason you can think of that you'd not be able to decide this case in a fair and impartial manner?

Larry

I don't know if I could be impartial Mr. Condon, given that the defendant is a negro.

Larry

Problem?

This is not a good compromise.

Larry

A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied, and I think that's what we have here.

This is from the Davids? Oh, it's a doll!

Larry

It's a mulatto! [everyone is silent] No good?

..Bi-racial is what we call it usually.

Larry

Bi-racial. Huh, what do you know about that?

This is Irving Schwimmer. Please leave a message at the tone.

Larry

Hi, Mr. Schwimmer, this is Larry David. I just wanna say..

Larry

Let me ask you a question. You've slept with a lot of white men, a lot of black men, I'm sure? Is there any discernable difference?

Wanda

What?!

Larry

Let me rephrase that! Let me rephrase that!

Wanda

Yeah, rephrase it!

Larry

Uhm, is there any discernable difference between a white man and a black man, you know..[points at his crotch and indicates "size" with his hands]

Wanda

Why would you ask me something like that, Larry?

Larry

My friend wants to know. Why? What's the big deal?

Wanda

I am NOT gonna answer that!

Just if anyone asks me, what's in my new sandwich?

Larry

Oh, ok, it's um, you got white fish. You know, white fish?

White fish?

Larry

White fish and sable. Uhm..

What is sable?

Larry

It's a fish.

Jeff

It's a fish like a white fish. Smoked fish.

You have two fishes in the sandwich?

Larry

But they blend very well together. They're like Siamese twins, white fish and sable.

What else is in it? No condiments?

Jeff

Cream cheese.

Larry

There's some cream cheese..it's..

Jeff

Capers.

Larry

There may be some capers but I'm not sure. You can always brush them off, it's not a big deal.

Jeff

Onions.

That sounds awful.

Larry

What are you talking about?

My sandwich is turkey, cole slaw, russian dressing. It's a classic. People come in and they order a "Ted Danson".

Larry

Yeah but you're not there. You don't go in there.

Yeah but people are used to my sandwich. All of a sudden they show up there and they're eating the "Ted Danson" sandwich, you know, all of a sudden has herring and lox..

Jeff

Capers..and onions.

Larry

Hey, shut the fuck up!

Wanda

You know what's going on.

Larry

Huh?

Wanda

You have a racist dog. The dog hates black people!

Cheryl

Wanda...

Wanda

Larry, you train the dog to hate black people?

Larry

No, I didn't train it to hate black people.

Wanda

Has it barked at any white people?

Cheryl

...No, he's...he's...

Larry

So he hasn't barked at any white people.

Wanda

Exactly. Your dog is racist.

Larry

Sheriff's racist?

Wanda

"Sheriff"? That's a perfect name for a racist dog. Where'd you get this dog: the Klan meeting or something?

Cheryl

Larry picked him out at the pound.

Larry

The pound.

Wanda

Sheriff, the fuckin' dog that eats black people. What the fuck, man? I'll tell you what, y'all stay here, pet your crazy-ass racist dog, but I am not bringing my black ass back up into this fucking "hotel" until y'all get rid of that fucking Klan dog. Gotta Klan dog! Lookin' at me like I'm a damn T-bone!

Larry

I kinda invited [Rick] over to the seder, if you don't mind.

Cheryl

You did?

Larry

Yeah.

Cheryl

Aww.

Larry

I'm sorry.

Cheryl

No, that's okay.

Larry

Oh really?

Cheryl

Well, he's alone.

Larry

Oh, aren't you a doll.

Cheryl

That's cute. I'm glad you made a new friend. That's nice. I don't hear that very often from you.

Larry

Oh, and I forgot to mention, he's a sex offender.

Somebody's gonna have to jump.

Larry

Oh, stop.

Stop what? I can't be with you here after sundown! There's no other way! Somebody's gonna have to jump! You're gonna have to jump!

Are you gonna jump?!

Larry

What are you, fuckin' nuts?