Larry David quotes from Curb Your Enthusiasm

Larry

Oh hey, there was a Mickey Mantle ball, his 500th home run, right over there, and it's missing. Have you seen it?

No, I have not.

Larry

Hm. It's kinda curious given that nobody has been in the house, save for a few friends. Can a ball worth an excess of $20,000 just disappear into thin air?

You want to tell me what you're driving at?

Larry

I'll tell you what I'm driving at! I submit that you took that baseball, stashed it in your unusually large vagina, and walked right on out of here!

Larry

I was in the band, ok. The girls were pretty interested, you know, with the guitar. They liked that.

Like a rock band?

Larry

Jewish folk music, Jewish folk songs.

Oh, like what songs?

Larry

Um.."Gefilte Fish Blues".."My Freakin' Back is Killin' Me and It's Making It Hard to Kvell".

Cheryl

What was the name of your band?

Larry

The Hipsters..Larry David and The Hipsters. And then, I left The Hipsters and I just became Larry David.

Larry

I owe you money, okay?

Yes. Here we go.

Larry

[checking his wallet] Okay...unbelievable...I'm out, I don't have any cash.

How come you never have cash, Larry?

Larry

I'm sorry, Song, I'm sorry.

No, I see you on the-

Larry

But listen! You know what I got? I got a check from Marla made out to me for $150, I'll sign it right over to you.

Okay, last time.

Larry

Last time, Song.

Okay? 'Cuz I like you.

Larry

Ok, I'm sorry, Song. Sorry.

I know where you live.

Jeff

What's with the hat?

Larry

What? I'm married. I can wear whatever I want.

Jeff

It does look ridiculous. You look like you should be pulling a rickshaw of some sort.

Larry

This is unbelievable!

Jeff

I've never tasted anything like this.

Larry

What is this dish?

Are you talking about this? It's pulgoki. The Korean florist brought it, it's delicious.

Larry

OHHH! OSCAR! THAT PULGOKI'S OSCAR!! YOU'RE EATING A DOG, YOU'RE EATING A DOG!!

You're giving away a kidney. The recipient is going to love you, man.

Larry

Really?

You gonna have your own personal slave, is what it is. You could be in China and sneeze and he'll bring you a tissue.

Larry

Wow, that may be true with others, I don't think with him though. He wouldn't even loan me a putter, actually.

You're giving him a kidney, he wouldn't loan you his putter?

Larry

Well, people get very attached to their golf clubs. It's understandable.

You're not attached to your kidney? That's fucked up, man.

Jeff

We gotta get going. My daughter is waiting for a puppet show.

Larry

My dad has a virus in bed with a fever with covers up to his head.

Susie

Your dad always has a virus.

Larry

Hey, fuck you, he doesn't always have a virus.

Larry

What do you think you're doing?! You're stealing my thing!

Richard

Stealing what thing?

Larry

Showing-up-on-the-wrong-night thing!

Richard

What, you have a fucking copyright on this?!

Larry

So your last name is "Black"?

Yes.

Larry

That's like if my last name was "Jew", like Larry Jew.

Larry

We're having a big party.

Uh huh. You wanna cake?

Cheryl

Yeah, we want a chocolate layer cake.

Larry

Like the one Marty Funkhouser gets.

Oh yeah! He's actually ordered it a couple of times. I just have one that I prepared recently.

Cheryl

It was the best cake we ever had. We can't stop talking about it.

It's one of our most popular cakes..

Cheryl

I can understand why.

..And here he is.

Larry

...That's a penis.

Larry

How come you didn't tell us that I was eating a black penis, the other night?

Marty

You mean the cake? Well, I told you it was a black "log" cake.

Larry

Yeah, still, I was eating a black penis and you didn't mention it.

Marty

Well, eating a black penis is not appetizing to everybody.

Larry

Next time your gonna do something like that, tell me, okay? I think that's unfair.

Marty

Why did you take the balls home?

Larry

I didn't know they were balls.

Cheryl

Where've you been?

Larry

I was eating some penis.

Larry

What do you mean "what kind of cum"? Cum's cum.

Leon

Cum is not cum.

Larry

Cum's cum.

Leon

It couldn't have been mine, you know why? Cuz I gets mine, Larry. I brings the ruckus to the ladies.

Larry

Okay, so you're denying this, is that it?

Leon

First of all, look around this place, man. Is there any visuals here to jack off to? All we have is basic cable right? What am I gonna do, jack off to Andy Griffith?

Larry

Hey! Funkhouser! My God, I can't believe it. You're out? What are you- what are you doing?

Well, uh... this helps my emotions. Jogging's the best thing for me.

Larry

So, mourners- mourners exercise? I didn't know that.

I don't know if mourners exercise. It's just good for me.

Larry

Interesting. I'm gonna remember that next time I lose a close member of my family.

Yeah. Jogging. Helps everything.

Larry

By the way, I called your house. I left a condolence message. I never got a return call.

Well, I had a few things on my mind.

Larry

Yeah, still...it's a little discourteous.

Let me explain something to you.

Larry

Sure.

I lost my dad a year ago. My mother just died. I'm an orphan, okay?

Larry

You're a what?

I'm an orphan.

Larry

Orphan?

Yeah, an orphan!

Larry

You're a little too old to be an orphan.

No, if you don't have parents you're an orphan.

Larry

You could be 70 and be an orphan?

You could be 100 and be an orphan!

Larry

You can't be 100 and be an orphan.

Yeah, you can!

Larry

Okay. Little Orphan Funkhouser.

Let me ask you something-

Larry

One of the things that bothers me a lot in life, is when ice cream drips down the side of a cone. Doesn't that bother you? That's why you have to be very vigilant when you're eating ice cream cones. Look, there's a little drip. Get it! Oh, another drip! Got it!

Are you coming to the funeral?

Larry

Of course I'm coming to the funeral.

Okay, I'm gonna give you the $50 I owe you for the golf bet.

Larry

Oh my God!

Hold this.

Larry

$50- I forgot all about it, the $50.

Yeah.

Larry

Great! What are you doing?

Taking off my shoe. I got money in the shoe.

Larry

What?!

There you go.

Larry

Ugh!

Take the $50!

Larry

No, I don't want it.

Take the $50!

Larry

I'd really rather not. I don't want that 50 from your sweaty...

Take the 50 bucks.

Larry

disgusting sock and sneaker.

This is the payoff.

Larry

That's- I don't want that 50. Give me a clean 50.

This is the 50 I have.

Larry

I'm not touching that 50. I don't want it.

Take the 50.

Larry

No!

Then I'm not paying you!

Larry

What?

I'm not paying you. This is the $50.

Larry

You owe me $50! What if-

This is $50! It's perfectly fine. See? $50.

Larry

All right, this is bullshit.

Take it.

Larry

Hold it out. Hold it out, fold it up. Fold it- that's it, okay. Put it in my pocket. Yeah, okay. Put it in there. Thank you.

Larry

Hey!

Why did you leave that stupid message on my answering machine?

Larry

What?

I don't want to hear about the money anymore.

Larry

Yeah. No one will take this money. I couldn't give it to a bum.

Listen to me. I don't care about the money. Someone stole flowers that were marking the spot where my mother was hit in her wheelchair.

Larry

Really?

Yes. I'm not a violent person. But if I find this guy, I don't know what I'm gonna do to him.

Larry

Hmm.

I can't believe that a human being would do that.

Larry

How would you even know the flowers are missing?

I keep track of it. I drive by there 10 times a day.

Larry

Okay, you know what? You should go home now. Don't worry about the 50. I don't even care about it anymore. You know-

What is that I smell?

Larry

What? There's no smell. What do you mean?

That's a white lily.

Larry

I don't even know what- what- a white lily?

I know a white lily.

Larry

Huh?

I've got a good sense of smell.

Larry

What are you doing? Where are you going?

There they are. I knew it!

Cheryl

Hi, Marty.

Hi, how are you, Cheryl? Boy, those are beautiful.

Cheryl

Thank you.

Where'd you get 'em?

Cheryl

Larry just brought 'em home for me.

Where'd you get the flowers?

Larry

Um... where'd I get those? Oh, Ventura Boulevard.

What store?

Larry

What was it? Uh...

Loretta

Where can I find a vase?

Did you take the flowers at my mother's site?

Loretta

What?

Cheryl

What?

Larry

They wouldn't take the 50 at the flower store!

How could you do that?!

Larry

Why? There are so many of them. Because I didn't know it was such a big-

So many of them?!

Larry

Is that such a bad thing?

They're not there to pick! You are the lowest of the low.

Cheryl

I cannot believe you.

I have never heard anything like that in my life.

Larry

How many flowers does she need?

Cheryl

You took flowers from Marty's mother?

Loretta

Are these from a graveyard?

Larry

Not a graveyard. It's a roadside memorial. It's not such a- come on!

How could you do this? And you know what? I am missing one! Where's the third bunch? There were three bouquets.

Larry

I-I- I know where it is.

Cheryl

He will get you that bouquet.

I feel sorry for you. If you weren't my best friend, I would take my bare hands and pop your head off your neck.

Larry

He's not my best friend.

You better get those flowers!