Larry David quotes from Curb Your Enthusiasm

Larry

Jesus Christ! My penis is itching!

Jeff

You know what? You put that doll head down there and who knows what that hair is made out of. You've got a allergic reaction, I'm telling you.

Larry

Yeah, I think I got some kinda rash. I gotta check out my penis, I have to go to the doctor now? That's going to be a lot of fun; "Where'd you get the rash?" "Oh, I stuck a doll's head down my pants, Doctor. It feels good to me!"

Larry

This is very good, by the way. Thank you. Is this a cafe latte? What is that? Milk..

Milk, uh...

Larry

Milk and coffee.

Milk and coffee, yeah.

Larry

Milk and coffee! Who would've thought? Milk and coffee!

Cheryl

You know, we need to go now.

Larry

Oh my God, what a drink! It's milk and coffee mixed together! You've gotta go there! Sit down, have a doughnut! Have a bagel!

Richard Lewis

Seven years ago, I was in Paris and I remember it exac -

Larry

Forget Paris!

Richard Lewis

All right, you stole my outgoing message on my answering machine.

Larry

What are you crazy? What are you nuts?

Richard Lewis

Listen, I know you're ethicial. I'm ethical. You know when people steal jokes you fuckin' hate that? I hate it when people fuckin' steal my outgoing message. I came up with that message.

Larry

You don't even know what you're talking about.

Richard Lewis

You have the same answering machine outgoing message!

Larry

That's my message!

Richard Lewis

I wrote it in Paris!

Larry

You wrote it in Paris?! I had that message seven years ago!

Richard Lewis

Bullshit! You know what? I wrote it seven and a half years ago!

Larry

Listen, whose memory are you going to trust? An ex-alcoholic? Or a person who was lucid 24 hours a day his whole life? (Laughing)

Richard Lewis

Do me a favor. Just please change it because it's really bothering me.

Larry

(Still laughing) What? I'm not.

Richard Lewis

Listen, people call me and they call you and they go "Oh well Larry David has the same thing." It's not fuckin' Larry David's, it's mine! I mean I don't have a wife, my parents are dead. You have a family!

Larry

Oh, oh. He doesn't have a wife and his parents are dead.

Richard Lewis

That's right! I hold on to these things.

Larry

(fakes crying) He doesn't have a wife and his parents are dead. Oh.

Richard Lewis

Do me a favor and change it.

Larry

(Continues fake-crying) Yeah I'll change it because you don't have a wife and your parents, your parents they're dead! They would have been 95 but they're dead!

Wanda

Why'd you fire the black man?

Larry

I fired the black man... because... he's the guy who set up the whole system here and it doesn't work! And he's here like... every week, I'm givin' him checks, we've got five remotes, I can't turn it on... but I know, you know, a black man can never do anything wrong, at least to get fired from a job! Black people always do everything right!

Wanda

[walks over to TV, pushes button - the TV works] You gotta turn the damn satellite on for the TV to work! See the little green light? Just gotta turn it on! Or you can fire the black man. Whatever works for you.

Larry

You know what? You gotta stop that grunting.

Cheryl

What are you talking about?

Larry

You grunt every shot. Every shot you hit you go "UHH! UHH!". You make this disgusting noise. You don't hear it?

Cheryl

No.

Larry

What do you mean "no"?

Cheryl

That's how I play tennis. I didn't even know I was doing it.

Larry

Well, you grunt every shot and it's really annoying, and it's throwing me off.

Cheryl

Oh! Is that why you're losing?

Larry

It sounds like pigs fucking!

Larry

Ya know, I really don't like not driving. You should've let me drive.

Cheryl

It's my car.

Larry

Well, on the way back, I'm gonna drive.

Cheryl

Why?

Larry

I don't feel I have a personality in this seat.

Cheryl

Pfft.

Larry

No, really. I feel very dull.

Cheryl

Mm-hm.

Larry

Do you want me to sing or do you want the uh, radio?

Cheryl

I think I'd rather choose the radio.

Larry

All right. [turns it on, cassette starts playing] What is this, a tape?

Cheryl

Mm-hm.

Larry

What are you doing with a tape? I thought you only...I thought you only buy CDs.

Cheryl

Um, actually a friend loaned it to me.

Larry

Who is this?

Cheryl

It's Al Green.

Larry

Who gave you this tape?

Cheryl

Brad. It's good, isn't it?

Larry

"You oughta to be with me"? Is that what he's saying?! "You oughta be with me"! That's what--that's what he's singing about?!

Cheryl

What is wrong with you?

Larry

What the--wait, Brad gives you a tape? An Al Green tape? "You oughta be with me"?

Larry

Oh its this guy he spotted me. Oh he's gonna want to do a stop and chat, don't...don't go.

Richard

(looks at watch) Oh my god I got to uh.. I got alot of shopping to do.

Larry

Oh what a fuck.

Richard

Have a blast.

Larry

This is where you eat.

Yeah, you do your dining in here and shit. You got a table, a dining room table ... you got some chairs and shit, you know what I mean? [...] That's the floor, you know what I mean? It's made out of, uh, you know, floor shit ... you know what I'm saying?

Larry

Yeah, that's floor shit.

Steps - four of those motherfuckers. They wanted three, but I was like, four's better.

Larry

[thinking back in his mind] Maybe someday I'll do something good for somebody like that. [yells out] SCUM SUCKING MOTHERFUCKING WHORE!

Jeff

COCK, COCK! JIZZUM! GRANDMA! COCK! [gestures for someone else to continue]

BUM! FUCK! TURD! FART! CUNT! PISS! SHIT! BUGGER AND BALLS!

DAMN IT! HELL! CRAP! SHIT!

Cheryl

YOU GODFUCKINGDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BITCH!

Susie

Fuck you, you car wash cunt! I had a dental appointment!

Fellatio, cunnilingus , french kissing! [there's a slight chuckle from the crowd which gets louder as the scene progresses] Rim job!

Crap, piss!

Fucking, fucking fuck fuck!

Schmuck, putz!

Richard Lewis

Pussy, pig fucker!

Balls!

Boy cock, Girl cock, E-I-E-I-O!

Now, I don't know if you've ever had stitches before, but there's a slight bit of pain involved. Nothing more than, I would say, than a little prick.

Larry

Um-hm. Yeah, there's definitely a prick involved.

Uh, yes there is a prick involved.

Larry

Yeah, there's one prick involved.

Yeah, I would say there's one prick involved.

Larry

I agree. I'm not a doctor, but I agree. There is one prick.

Yep.

Larry David? Why don't you close the door?

We have some time before the show. I'd like to give you your 10th anniversary present.

Susie

What are you doing?

Larry

Who invited you? Get the hell out of here!

Susie

Look at you, You are sick.

Larry

Where's the other one? I want the other one. Get out!

Susie

I'm the only one here, baby, and now for the rest of your life you sick four-eyed pervert fuck! You're gonna be fantasizing about me in this outfit! (laughing)

Larry

Oh, great, look he ruined the shirt, look, look at this cuff, and its flopping all over the place, look at that! whats with him?

He's not himself right now, his uncle has Hodgkins.

Larry

Yeah, but it's the good Hodgkins.

I didn't know there was a good Hodgkins.

Larry

I'm not saying it's a great Hodgkins, It's a good Hodgkins.

Larry

Hey Pop, do me a favor?

MMM?

Larry

Next time you use the bathroom, make sure to keep the seat down.

What are you pussy-whipped?

Larry

It's not really about her, It's about me, I pee sitting down.

Marty

Hey Lar, you ever hear of Denta Friend?

Larry

Denta Friend? No.

Marty

It's a new sonic toothbrush that would really get rid of your plaque.

Larry

What are you talking about, get rid of plaque. I don't have any plaque.

Marty

My cousin's hygienist told me you have plaque.

Larry

Your cousin's hygienist told you I have a lot of plaque?

Marty

What's the big deal? Plaque is not a serious disease.

Larry

First of all, number one I don't have any plaque...

(laughing)

Larry

Number two, she shouldn't be telling you, that's a breach of patient-hygienist confidentiality.

Jeff

There is no patient-hygienist confidentiality.

Larry

You're so wrong.

Susie

It's unethical, not legally like a doctor or a lawyer, but its unethical is what he's saying.

Larry

It's totally unethical, and I don't have any plaque by the way, do i have an electric toothbrush?

Cheryl

He has an electric toothbrush.

Larry

How often do I floss?

Cheryl

At least twice a day.

Tell him I don't have any plaque, okay, did you tell him that?

Marty

You have plaque.

Larry

Do you wanna have a plaque contest with me Marty?

Marty

Let's have a plaque contest.

Larry

Anytime you want.

Marty

Anytime you want.

Larry

Fine, you want to?

Marty

Challenge me just like you do in golf.

Larry

Beautiful day, huh?

Yeah, great day for golf. Whats up?

Larry

You know I was supposed to play today.

Really?

Larry

Then Jeff called me last night and cancelled because of your weather report about thundershowers.

He made a mistake, so what?

Oh, I said it was gonna be thundershowers?

Larry

Yep.

Oops. (laughs).

Good to see you Larry.

Take care.

Larry

Yeah, oops, too bad for me, too bad for me.

I don't quite get your point.

Larry

Alright, weatherman, I'm gonna tell you my point. I've got a sneaking suspicion that you're predicting rain to clear the golf course for yourself.

(laughing)

Oh my god.

That's ridiculous.

Larry

Ridiculous? Ridiculous? It's happened before weatherman you know it. You know what I'm calling the weather people on this.

Your gonna say report me because its a nice day?

Larry

I'm gonna report you because everytime you wanna play golf you make sure its raining.

Larry, first of all I'm not a weatherman, I'm a meteorologist, I'd appreciate a little bit of respect Larry.

Larry

Oh, excuse me doctor.

Okay, can you guys just calm down? We're in the middle of a game of golf here, alright!

Larry, theres a low pressure system sitting out over the coast, the jet stream brings that into this area, the jet stream is controlled by the rotation of the Earth, you know who controls that? God!

Larry

You know what? There's a jetstream of bullshit coming out of your mouth my friend, you are busted buddy!