Shirley quotes from Community

Britta

Oh, Shirley, I'm so sorry...

Shirley

I'm going home, Britta...

Britta

I know, Shirley. I know...

Shirley

No, seriously, I'm going home. Can you help me up?

Britta

Oh. Yeah, sure.

Shirley

[excitedly] Guys, guys, do you know I actually have a civil case against that bitch that stole my husband?

Jeff

Shirley, don't sue a stripper.

Shirley

Why not?

Jeff

She's a stripper: life sued her, and she lost.

Britta

[looking in notebook] Abed, why is my name in here?

Abed

That's mine.

Britta

And Shirley's and Annie's?

Annie

What is it?

Britta

Charts. Some kind of calendar?

Abed

That's my personal private business.

Britta

[reading] "Annie: 4 on, 28 off, next, November 10th. Britta: 5 on, 27 off..." Oh, my God, are you charting our menstrual cycles?

Annie

What?! Gross!

Shirley

Abed, this is so personal! And so accurate.

Annie

Abed, this is really creepy. I don't understand why you would do this.

Abed

I can explain. [Pause] Oh, I thought you'd keep yelling over me. Okay, I can explain. You know I have trouble reading people, and I say the wrong things, sometimes, and I noticed it was happening more often with you three than it was with the others. And then I noticed fluctuating patterns, and I started graphing them, and by the time I realized what I was actually measuring, it had started to yield really positive results for everybody, so I kept doing it.

Abed

Okay, if I could just take this time to share a few words of sarcasm with whoever it is that took this pen. I want to say thank you for doing this to me. For a while I thought I'd had to suffer through a puppy parade, but I much prefer being entombed alive in a mausoleum of feelings I can neither understand nor reciprocate. So whoever you are, can I get you anything? Ice cream? Best friend medal? Anything? Mmm-mmmm? Okay, sarcasm over.

[Singing] To you!

Pierce

That was weird, how come we only sang the last two words? What happened to the happy birthday part?

Shirley

You know Troy's a Jehovah's Witness, he doesn't celebrate birthdays.

Abed

Annie and I did our best to keep the language on the cake compliant.

[Reading the message written on his birthday cake] Hello during a random dessert, the month and day of which coincide numerically with your expulsion from a uterus.

Pierce

Cast Shape Change on Ducayne.

Abed

What shape do you choose for him?

Pierce

Faaaaaaaaaaaat.

Shirley

Pierce, stop it!

Jeff

Pierce!

Abed

Ducayne starts gaining weight. How much?

Pierce

Make him as fat as Fat Neil.

Jeff

Pierce!

Pierce

Oh, right, cry. Let it out. Baste your chubby cheeks in tears of gravy. You weren't crying when you were stealing my friends!

Shirley

God bless you!

Jeff

Not lately.

Shirley

Oh, Starburns. I see you added a lizard to your special hat and sideburns. Am I missing anything?

Yeah, the human being underneath it all, but no one's really interested in that, are they?

Shirley

No.

Jeff

We're gonna fly to school each morning,We're gonna smile the entire time.

Britta

We're gonna be more happy,We're gonna finally be fine!

Abed

We're gonna get more calm and normal,

We're gonna fix our state of mind!

Annie

We're gonna be less crazy,

We're gonna finally be fine!

Shirley

We're gonna stand holding hands in a brand new land,Far away from the borderline!

Dean

We're gonna seem like a mainstream dream,

And be appealing to all mankiiiiiind!

We're gonna have more fun and be less weirdThan the first two years combined!And we're gonna live forever!

And we're gonna sleep together!

And we're gonna finallyBe sunny and shinilyWe're gonna finally be fine!

Abed

Uhmm...

Britta, why did everyone on Cougarton Abbey just die?

Britta

They only ran six episodes. That's the great thing about British TV - they give you closure!

Shirley

Ohh!

No, no, no! We'll find you a new favorite show! We'll find you a new favorite show! C'mon, buddy! [to Britta] You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman!

Abed

I don't think you should. Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless raging sea of randomness. Our job isn't to fight it, but to weather it together, on the raft of life. A raft held together by those few, rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.

Britta

Ropes. Vines. Vines? Let him finish!

Abed

Us. It won't matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each other's flaws and virtues. Annie will always be driven, Shirley will always be giving, Pierce will never apologize, Britta's sort of a wildcard from my perspective, and Jeff will forever remain a conniving son of a bitch.

Shirley

Abed!

Abed

There's 6 sides to this die, and 7 of us. He devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.

Annie

Jeff! You crafty jackrabbit!

Really? Dang, man!

Pierce

Pretty low, dude. It's called "friendship"; look it up. Encarta it!

I think we just found our pizza getter.

Jeff

What's so funny?

Annie

Karma!

That guy sucks harder than the toilet of an airplane bathroom.

Pierce

Airplane bathroom...

Shirley

Oh, my pies!

Britta

[singing] Roxanne!

[singing] You don't have to put on that red light!

Annie

[to Abed] I really love your place!

Abed

You should move here.

Jeff

You see what happens when I leave you guys alone?

Shirley

[in the study room of the "Darkest timeline"] To Pierce. May he rest in Pierce. [Chuckles as she pours some wine on Pierce's empty chair]

Britta

Shirley, don't you think you've had enough?

Shirley

Of you.

Abed

Guys, I've been thinking about that night over and over, and one thing has become clear: this is the darkest and most terrible timeline.

Britta

Enough with the timeline crap, Abed! Pierce got shot in the leg and died, Shirley is a drunk, Annie is locked in a mental ward because her guilt drove her insane, Jeff lost an arm in the fire, Troy lost his larynx because for some dumb reason he tried to destroy a flaming troll doll by eating it!

[speaking through a device connected to his throat] Clearly you don't understand anything about defeating trolls.

Britta

Life has gone to hell, Abed! This is real! Look at us, look at me!

Jeff

Britta, you put one wash-away blue streak in your hair, and I lost an arm.

Britta

Exactly! Life got dark.

Abed

All because Jeff rolled a one.

Jeff

Oh, I love how this is my fault somehow.

Abed

It's mine. I've run through that night over and over in my head and I keep coming back to one thought: I should've caught the die and not let you roll it. I failed to do that and we all suffered for it. But I'm gonna make it up to you. [gives everyone in the study group a black piece of felt]

Jeff

What is this?

Abed

Of all the timelines, this is clearly the darkest; which is why I propose we commit to being evil. I've made ourselves black goatees out of felt; I suggest you put 'em on until you're able to grow your own. [puts his felt goatee on] From now on, I'm Evil Abed. We're the Evil Study Group, and we have but one evil goal: return somehow to the prime timeline - the one that I stopped you from rolling that die - then we destroy the good versions of ourselves, and reclaim our proper lives.

[visibly angry] Evil Abed, as Evil Jeff, am I allowed to pull fewer punches with you?

Certainly.

I hate you! Shut up with your sci-fi crap! I've lost my damn arm, and you're making fake beards!

Goatees.

[singing] Evil Troy and Evil Abed!

Britta

I can excuse racism, but I draw the line on animal cruelty.

Shirley

You can excuse racism?

Jeff

What are you guys doing here on a Saturday night? Shouldn't you be making weird art movies or well-engineered cars?

You take that back!

We came to play. Get away from our table.

Shirley

We're using it, strudel-brain.

Jeff

Nice.

Then play us for it.

Shirley

Fine! Monday morning. Only let's make it interesting: the loser never gets to use this table again.

Oh you are so on that things have now become very much like Donkey Kong.

Jeff

We're gonna kick das butt.

Shirley

Nice.

Jeff

Thank you.

Enough Teutonic punnery! Monday morning, you get this. [Kicks a soccer ball at Jeff like a Foosball-figure]

Jeff

Were you guys walking around with a soccer ball just so you could do that? They left the ball and everything. I think they were literally walking around with it like a prop to use. It's like a $25 bit, and it's not even that good!

Annie

Wow. They found a way to make the Human Being even creepier - covering him in icicles.

Shirley

I think it's festive.

Jeff

Yeah, my favorite Christmas tradition is trimming the Hellraiser.

Abed

Guys, I found something we can watch together for Christmas this year. The long-lost 1981 Inspector Spacetime Holiday Special. Run time two and half hours, and so critically reviled that after it aired, the creator had his knighthood revoked.

That sounds terrible. I want to watch it twice, but I'm spending Christmas with my relatives. Or rather, I'm spending the day with my relatives while they refuse to acknowledge Christmas.

Shirley

You Jehovah's Witnesses - so severe. Andre and I will be spending Christmas giving gifts to the more persuadable of our Jewish friends.

Annie

I wouldn't call an unannounced visit from your pastor "a gift." And don't bother this year, I'll be at the movies with my bubbe.

You're not taking both of them?

Annie

Well, one's dead.

What?!

Abed

I was looking forward to hanging out with you guys this Christmas. This semester has been so long and dark and angry. I was thinking we could have some light-hearted fun as a family.

Jeff

I think what we've learned, Abed, is that attempts to make the holidays brighter tend to give them a certain darkness.

Shirley

Oh, I don't know if I agree with that.

[singing] Deck the halls with boughs of holly

Shirley

...Actually, maybe I do.

[singing] Tis the season to be jolly

Merry Christmas, Greendale! Glee Club here, reminding you that our Christmas pageant is coming! Next stop, regionals!

Pierce

What the hell are regionals? They never stop talking about it.

[singing] Deck~

Please tell me we were not this obnoxious the year we filled in for them.

Annie

T-minus 5 seconds until the hip-hop remix. 4, 3…

[rapping] Come on!

Britta

You’re awfully quiet, Jeff. No one hates glee club more than you do.

Jeff

Today, I’m just content to sit back and enjoy the show.

And now, our pop music mashup…

…Elton Little John Lennon!

Hit it!

[rapping] Hey, tiny dancer!

[rapping] OKAY-!

Stop! Cease…and desist.

Jeff

Glee club, meet ASCAP, protecting musical copyright since 1914. It appears they have received an anonymous tip that unlicensed material has been performed here without the artist’s permission. Merry Christmas, everyone. Glee club just became history club.

Shirley

[singing] Jesus!

Britta

Oh, Jeff, thank God! They got Shirley; it's just you and me now! Jeff?

Jeff

[singing one long note] Aaaaaahhhhhh~

Britta

[screaming] AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!