Abed quotes from Community

Abed

Anyone can be a lawyer. You can even represent yourself. You can't do surgery on yourself. It's illegal. You'd get arrested, and then you'd get a free lawyer.

Abed

For as long as I can remember, I always wanted to be in a mafia movie.

Abed

Come with me if you don't want paint on your clothes.

Abed

I always thought that Jesus just walked on water and told people not to have abortions, but it's so much cooler than that. He was like E.T., Edward Scissorhands, and Marty McFly combined. I would love to make a Jesus movie.

Abed

Dear God. My movie is the worst piece of crap I have ever seen in my entire life. How could I have been so blind? It's a self-indulgent, adolescent mess. I can barely sit through it. And now, with all this hype, I've got a real Snakes on a Plane brewing. Critics are gonna crucify me, my career will be over before it begins. God, I know I don't deserve it, but I need your help. Please take this project away from me. Make it rain. Send a meteor. Anything. Please? Now? [pause] Okay, I get it. This is what I deserve. I'll finish it up.

Abed

Is Pierce marijuana, and does marijuana help people move faster? I thought it just made them custom paint vans and solve mysteries.

Abed

I'm calling dibs on the Han Solo role before Jeff slouches into it by default.

Abed

Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

Abed

I remember when this show was about community college.

Abed

But is he good or is he bad? Every actor is something. Robert Downey Jr.? Good. Jim Belushi? Bad. Jean-Claude Van Damme? The good kind of bad. Johnny Depp? The bad kind of good. There's a spectrum, and Cage is on it. I just have to find him.

Jeff

Abed, what's the deal with the hot girl from Spanish class? I can't find a road in there.

Abed

Well, I only talked to her once when she was borrowing a pencil, but... her name is Britta, she's twenty-eight, birthday in October, she has two older brothers, and one of them works with children who have a disorder I might want to look up. Oh, and she thinks she's going to flunk tomorrow's test, so she really needs to focus, and she's sorry if that makes her seem cold.

Jeff

Holy crap. Abed, I see your value now.

Abed

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Annie

I'd like to know why I had to find out about this group on accident.

Abed

Oh, this is getting way more like Breakfast Club now.

Pierce

There's breakfast?

Abed

You know, I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Micheal Douglas in any of his films.

Jeff

Yeah, well you have Asperger's.

(laughing) Ass burgers!

I'm only half Arab, actually. My dad is Palestinian, but he's a US citizen so he's not a threat to national security or anything. A lot of people want to know that after they meet him because he has an angry energy. But not like angry at America, just angry at my mom for leaving him. Although, she did leave him because he was angry and he was angry because she's American. My name's Abed, by the way.

Abed, uh, nice to know you and then meet you, in that order. Now, about that question that I asked?

Abed

Oh, uh, five after eleven when you asked.

Jeff

[spots Britta Perry in the distance] Abed.

Abed

Yeah.

Jeff

What's the deal with the hot girl from Spanish class? I can't find a road in there.

Abed

Well, I've only talked to her once while she was borrowing a pencil, but...her name is Britta, she's 28, birthday in October, she has two older brothers and one of them works with children who have a disorder I might wanna look up. Oh, and she thinks she's going to flunk tomorrow's test, so she really needs to focus and she's sorry that makes her seem cold.

Jeff

Holy crap. Abed, I see your value now. [walks away]

Abed

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Abed

I'm interested in making movies, but my dad says all media is Western propaganda that negatively stereotypes Arabs.

He should see Aladdin. Jafar was a badass!