Shirley quotes from Community

Jeff

We are so screwed. How are we gonna memorize all this?

Shirley

Let’s just go over it again. Kingdom, phylum, class...

Pierce

Order, family, genus, species. I used a mnemonic device. "Kevin Please Come Over For Gay Sex."

Annie

Why not use Karen?

Pierce

Because it’s gay sex, dummy.

Shirley

So use great.

Pierce

Now I can’t remember anything! Thanks!

Jeff

I really am Hitler.

Shirley

Yeah.

Pierce

So it's just decided? No vote or anything?

I hate this. I wish there was a way we could make it up to people.

Jeff

That's it! We need to make reparations. We have to start giving back, because Greendale has given us so much. It gave us the study room. And that study room is our home. But our home is more than those four walls. And our family is more than the seven of us. It's all of Greendale. And everyone deserves to have what we have. [after the study group finishes the study room make overs] What do you know? Greendale just got slightly better.

Annie

It’s good to be back.

Shirley

Should we go celebrate at Skeepers?

Britta

Aw, come on, Shirley; we all have lives.

Dean Pelton

There you are! I am so proud how you stepped up and made amends, and everyone forgave you! Because when it comes right down to it, Greendale's a forgiving place.

Annie

It really is.

Dean Pelton

Please keep that in mind for the next 20 seconds; remember that people can "chang".

Jeff

People can what?

Dean Pelton

Hmm?

Hi, I'm Kevin.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Dean Pelton

[whispering] He has Changnesia.

Annie

So, Abed, I was thinking about what you said about showing growth, and I was thinking maybe one way to do that is to meet new people and...

Abed

Where's this going?

Annie

Can I set you up with a date for the Sadie Hawkins Day dance?

Abed

Blind date. I've always thought of myself as more of an acquired taste, but okay.

Shirley

Oh, if you're open to meeting someone, there's a number of eligible young ladies in my church.

Annie

Shirley, I'm already finding a date for Abed. I asked first.

Shirley

There's no reason we can't both help Abed find someone. Why don't we each pick a girl and let Abed decide, instead of making it a competition?

Abed

That's exactly a competition.

Britta

There are so many clouds; it's so dark!

I can't even see the Landing Strip, or any of the other nudie bars!

Shirley

Oh, Heaven help us!

Annie

We must be miles above the ground!

Pierce

That's international airspace. We're literally above the law! Jeff can marry any man he wants.

Jeff

Wait a second guys, I think we're starting to go down.

Shirley

[to Britta] You see, prayer works.

Britta

So does gravity, Shirley.

Shirley

And you know who invented gravity, right?

Jeff

What is this?

Annie

Oh, I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.

Jeff

You realise you've just put your friends in a very awkward position. A gift creates obligation.

Annie

I don't see it that way.

Jeff

Well, I do, and I think the others will too.

Shirley

[knocks on the door and comes in] Merry Christmas! I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.

Jeff

Oh, who couldn't have seen that coming?

Shirley

Oh, Annie, I love what you did with the place.

Annie

It's a work in progress.

Good tidings, fellow Christmas celebrators. And to all a good wassailing.

Britta

I know we said no gifts, but we couldn't resist.

Jeff

There is a real problem with resistance in this group.

Shirley

Speaking of tomorrow, Troy and Britta, have you decided what you're gonna do for your one-year anniversary?

Of...?

Annie

Your first date?

Britta

Oh! Kidding.

Yeah! That was a test and you failed.

Pierce

You guys are dating? Man. Somebody's sure is working her way around the table. [Looks at Britta]

Abed

Freaky Friday. Oh, Troy, you are so thoughtful. I wish I had the capacity for sentimentality like you do.

Me? I wish I was more like you. No emotional hang-ups, endless cool adventures. You have it so easy.

Abed

No, you do, Troy!

No, you do, Abed!

I wish I could switch places with you for just one day!

Shirley

Oh...

[appearing] Sorry. Routine light-switch check.

I thought that would work.

Jeff

Yeah, we're all floored it didn't.

Annie

Chang was faking his Changnesia?

They seriously rehired a teacher they fired for trying to burn down the school?

Shirley

After being rehired as a security guard after being fired for impersonating a teacher?

Abed

That's insane, and I'm Abed.

Shirley

You're throwing away all your little movies. Why?

Abed

They have no value anymore.

Shirley

Well, if you're looking for something to believe in, I know a skinny little Hebrew handyman you can meet.

Abed

I'm not going to become Christian, Shirley, or a better Muslim. This was my religion. I thought the meaning of people was somewhere in here. Then I looked inside Nicolas Cage, and I found a secret. People are random and pointless.

Shirley

Well, in my religion, the whole point is that you can't understand every little thing, and you know, there's a word for people who remind you that you're not God, and invite you try a little harder. Prophets, messiahs, Kung-Fu-Pandas...

Abed

So Nicolas Cage is Jesus?

Shirley

Uh, no, but he clearly works in mysterious ways, and maybe that's just his job. And that's why critics can call him a genius or an idiot, and be right no matter what. A demon to some, and an angel to others, like a Cenobite.

Abed

Excuse me, did you just say "Cenobite"?

Shirley

Yeah, you know, Cenobite - like, from Hellraiser.

Abed

You like Hellraiser? You know the word "Hellraiser"?

Shirley

I thought Pinhead in Space was a bit of a letdown, but I'm in for the ride.

Britta

I want to say something to you guys about mental health...

Jeff

Is that Britta? Is she alive?

Shirley

Why did you think she was dead?

We kinda...left her?

Annie

Left her for dead?

Abed

Sounds bad when you put it that way; can you put it in a way that sounds good?

Britta

You do realize this isn't just a pile of chairs, right? This is a crib, and you're curled up inside there sucking your thumb, because you don't want to say good-bye. Well, it's time to grow up! The adults are here, and we're gonna tear down your fort! Chairwalkers, attack! AWOOOOOOO!

AWOOOOOOOO!

My name was Vicki! Tell my story!

Garrett

These are my only pants; I can't get them dirty!

I'm actually British!

Shirley

Leonard, butter ‘em up!

Leonard

You got it!

Leonard

Cirque du so long, you high-stepping acro-bastards!

Shirley

I know how much you feel for the campus, Jeff. I know how much you feel in general, and I know you think it's a weakness, but believe me. It's your strength.

Jeff

You got something in your teeth.

Shirley

Mhm. You got something in your chest.