Community · Season 3, Episode 6
[Pierce has decided to do a gay bash party for his new product]
Wow, Pierce, congratulations on meeting the minimum requirement for open-mindedness.
Yeah, I'm really proud of you, you're growing up as a person.
Oh, good grief, he's not supporting gay people, they're supporting him. If Mexicans were buying his wipes he would have ridden in on a donkey.
I can excuse racism, but I draw the line on animal cruelty.
You can excuse racism?
[Jeff walks into the hospital room]
Pierce, what the hell was that?
That was-
That was my boy, standing up for good ol’ Hawthorne values.
All due respect, sir, I have zero respect for you.
Typical Welsh nonsense!
But, Father, I-
Pierce, you really wanna be like this guy? He's wearing elephant bones on his head.
He will be what I tell him to be because I am his father!
Listen up, Colonel Cryptkeeper. I could live a million years and I could spend every minute of it doing important things. But at the end of it all, I would only have lived half a life if I had not raised a son. This was a gift that was handed to you. You squandered it. And the reason you have so much hatred in your heart is because you're trying to fill a hole where your kid was supposed to go, and now it's too late. Now, you're just stomping around trying to prove you exist. Well, mission accomplished! But here's a question I'd like to pass on to you from every son of every crap dad that ever lived: "So what?!" I'm done with you. He's done with you. The world is done with you.
[Cornelius promptly has a heart attack and collapses]
Come on in. He's a Hawthorne. This is what they do. He's bluffing.
[during Cornelius' funeral]
Pierce, listen, I just wanna say...
Did you know that the Canadian mallard is the only water fowl that bites his father's head off on his way out of the womb?
That is definitely not true.
I don't know. I looked it up on the Wikipedia.
Pierce, um... I just wanna say...you know...sorry for killing your dad.
Don't blame yourself; he bought a lot of his organs from questionable sources.
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