Oh, look, Indiana Jones and the apartment of perpetual viginity.
TTroy
Haha! Chop busted, fellow adult. Chop busted.
You've got a bowl of olives next to the toilet?
TTroy
It's a fancy party, Britta.
Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.
I don't think you should. Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless raging sea of randomness. Our job isn't to fight it, but to weather it together, on the raft of life. A raft held together by those few, rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.
Ropes. Vines. Vines? Let him finish!
Us. It won't matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each other's flaws and virtues. Annie will always be driven, Shirley will always be giving, Pierce will never apologize, Britta's sort of a wildcard from my perspective, and Jeff will forever remain a conniving son of a bitch.
[Everybody gasps]
Abed!
There's 6 sides to this die, and 7 of us. He devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.
[Jeff snickers]
Jeff! You crafty jackrabbit!
TTroy
Really? Dang, man!
Pretty low, dude. It's called "friendship"; look it up. Encarta it!
TTroy
I think we just found our pizza getter.
[the study group agrees with Troy]
Jeff': Oh, like it matters who goes.
[Jeff hits his head on the ceiling fan; everyone laughs]
What's so funny?
Karma!
TTroy
That guy sucks harder than the toilet of an airplane bathroom.
Airplane bathroom...
Oh, my pies!
[singing] Roxanne!
SBShirley & Britta
[singing] You don't have to put on that red light!
Those days are over!
You don't have to tear your body to the night!
[to Abed] I really love your place!
You should move here.
[Jeff comes back with the pizza and notices everyone dancing and singing]
You see what happens when I leave you guys alone?
[in the study room of the "Darkest timeline"] To Pierce. May he rest in Pierce. [Chuckles as she pours some wine on Pierce's empty chair]
Shirley, don't you think you've had enough?
Of you.
[Britta gasps]
Guys, I've been thinking about that night over and over, and one thing has become clear: this is the darkest and most terrible timeline.
Enough with the timeline crap, Abed! Pierce got shot in the leg and died, Shirley is a drunk, Annie is locked in a mental ward because her guilt drove her insane, Jeff lost an arm in the fire, Troy lost his larynx because for some dumb reason he tried to destroy a flaming troll doll by eating it!
TTroy
[speaking through a device connected to his throat] Clearly you don't understand anything about defeating trolls.
Life has gone to hell, Abed! This is real! Look at us, look at me!
Britta, you put one wash-away blue streak in your hair, and I lost an arm.
Exactly! Life got dark.
All because Jeff rolled a one.
Oh, I love how this is my fault somehow.
It's mine. I've run through that night over and over in my head and I keep coming back to one thought: I should've caught the die and not let you roll it. I failed to do that and we all suffered for it. But I'm gonna make it up to you. [gives everyone in the study group a black piece of felt]
What is this?
Of all the timelines, this is clearly the darkest; which is why I propose we commit to being evil. I've made ourselves black goatees out of felt; I suggest you put 'em on until you're able to grow your own. [puts his felt goatee on] From now on, I'm Evil Abed. We're the Evil Study Group, and we have but one evil goal: return somehow to the prime timeline - the one that I stopped you from rolling that die - then we destroy the good versions of ourselves, and reclaim our proper lives.
EJEvil Jeff
[visibly angry] Evil Abed, as Evil Jeff, am I allowed to pull fewer punches with you?
EAEvil Abed
Certainly.
EJEvil Jeff
I hate you! Shut up with your sci-fi crap! I've lost my damn arm, and you're making fake beards!
EAEvil Abed
Goatees.
[Evil Jeff storms out of the study room followed by Evil Britta and Evil Shirley]
[Evil Troy puts on his felt goatee, Evil Abed looks at him approvingly]
ETEvil Troy and Evil Abed
[singing] Evil Troy and Evil Abed!
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