Community quotes

200 total quotes

All Seasons
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Abed: [about the new space simulator] Once we clean it, can we go inside?
Dean Pelton: No. That is a job for some upstanding students, who are training right now in the simulator simulator.
Leonard: [sitting in a cardboard box] Great job on this. Hard to believe I'm not really not really in space.

Abed: [commenting on Jeff and Britta's argument] Will they or won't they? Sexual tension.
Jeff: Abed, it makes the group uncomfortable when you talk about us like we're characters in a show you're watching.
Abed: Well, that's sort of my gimmick, but we did lean on that pretty hard last week. I can lay low for an episode.

Abed: [opens a Christmas gift marked "Meaning of Christmas"] It's the first season of Lost on DVD.
Pierce: That's the meaning of Christmas?
Abed: No. It's a metaphor. It represents lack of pay-off.
. . .
Abed: I get it. The meaning of Christmas is the idea that Christmas has meaning. And it can be whatever we want. For me, it used to mean being with my mom. Now it means being with you guys. Thanks, Lost.

Abed: [over PA system] A few quick announcements. Announcement number one: All announcements will be cool starting right now.
Troy: Announcement number two: Butt soup!
Abed: Announcement number three: I am not Hadji from Johnny Quest.
Troy: On security news: You guys gotta start locking the Dean's door so guys like us don't get in.

Abed: Another muffin basket, from another actress who wants to be in my next film.
Jeff: Does that work?
Abed: Yep. Meryl Streep has two Oscars because of her baking. Ah, that's sarcasm, but I forgot to inflect. This sounds way more like sarcasm. Inflection is so interesting.

Abed: Anyone can be a lawyer. You can even represent yourself. You can't do surgery on yourself. It's illegal. You'd get arrested, and then you'd get a free lawyer.

Abed: Come with me if you don't want paint on your clothes.

Abed: For as long as I can remember, I always wanted to be in a mafia movie.

Abed: Here we are, a log cabin I rented so we could be intimate in safety because it's not the fifties so we don't have to park our car and neck at expression point.
Britta: That makes sense, I'm turned on by how logical you are.

Abed: I always thought that Jesus just walked on water and told people not to have abortions, but it's so much cooler than that. He was like E.T., Edward Scissorhands, and Marty McFly combined. I would love to make a Jesus movie.

Abed: I hope they're not twins. Twins freak me out. They always know what the other one is--
Troy: --Thinking?
Abed: Yeah. And they're always finishing each other's--
Troy: --Pie?
Abed: Exactly. It's creepy.

Abed: I know what you're going to say. You watched my movies on the website.
Shirley: He's a witch!
Troy: Get him!

Abed: I'll have to make some adjustments to my film. Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father.
Jeff: I don't want to be your father.
Abed: That's perfect. You already know your lines.

Abed: I'm interested in making movies, but my dad says all media is Western propaganda that negatively stereotypes Arabs.
Troy: He should see Aladdin. Jafar was a badass!

Abed: Is Pierce marijuana, and does marijuana help people move faster? I thought it just made them custom paint vans and solve mysteries.