[in the study room of the "Darkest timeline"] To Pierce. May he rest in Pierce. [Chuckles as she pours some wine on Pierce's empty chair]
Shirley, don't you think you've had enough?
Of you.
[Britta gasps]
Guys, I've been thinking about that night over and over, and one thing has become clear: this is the darkest and most terrible timeline.
Enough with the timeline crap, Abed! Pierce got shot in the leg and died, Shirley is a drunk, Annie is locked in a mental ward because her guilt drove her insane, Jeff lost an arm in the fire, Troy lost his larynx because for some dumb reason he tried to destroy a flaming troll doll by eating it!
[speaking through a device connected to his throat] Clearly you don't understand anything about defeating trolls.
Life has gone to hell, Abed! This is real! Look at us, look at me!
Britta, you put one wash-away blue streak in your hair, and I lost an arm.
Exactly! Life got dark.
All because Jeff rolled a one.
Oh, I love how this is my fault somehow.
It's mine. I've run through that night over and over in my head and I keep coming back to one thought: I should've caught the die and not let you roll it. I failed to do that and we all suffered for it. But I'm gonna make it up to you. [gives everyone in the study group a black piece of felt]
What is this?
Of all the timelines, this is clearly the darkest; which is why I propose we commit to being evil. I've made ourselves black goatees out of felt; I suggest you put 'em on until you're able to grow your own. [puts his felt goatee on] From now on, I'm Evil Abed. We're the Evil Study Group, and we have but one evil goal: return somehow to the prime timeline - the one that I stopped you from rolling that die - then we destroy the good versions of ourselves, and reclaim our proper lives.
[visibly angry] Evil Abed, as Evil Jeff, am I allowed to pull fewer punches with you?
Certainly.
I hate you! Shut up with your sci-fi crap! I've lost my damn arm, and you're making fake beards!
Goatees.
[Evil Jeff storms out of the study room followed by Evil Britta and Evil Shirley]
[Evil Troy puts on his felt goatee, Evil Abed looks at him approvingly]
[singing] Evil Troy and Evil Abed!
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