Duncan quotes from Community

(to Jeff) I still cannot figure out how you got a jury to connect September the 11th with my DUI, let alone why that helped.

The Duncan Principle is simple. Namely, the more control lost by the... [students begin writing] Yeah, I'm going to write this down too, actually.

[watching Britta and Annie wrestle in oil] Now this is why I came to America.

Now, everyone open your textbooks, because Abed has broken the internet.

I'm a professor. You can't talk to me that way!

Jeff

A six-year-old girl could talk to you that way!

Yes, because that would be adorable!

Jeff

No, because you're a five-year-old girl and there's a pecking order!

Jeff

Uh, I am in a bit of a jam. The state Bar has suspended my license. They found out my college degree was less than legitimate.

I thought you had a Bachelor's from Columbia?

Jeff

And now I have to get one from America.

Listen, I wanted to ask you about that young lady in your Spanish class. You know, the blonde, with the pouty, strident, Cate Blanchett sexuality, and the ridiculous name.

Jeff

Britta.

That's it. Can you imagine living with that? Can you imagine? Unbelievable. Anyway, um, are you two an item, and if so, would that item be impervious to sabotage?

Jeff

You know, you have the savoir faire of a hyena. How is that that you and James Bond come from the same island?

Message received. I'll just wait for you to finish striking out first.

Jeff

Cheers.

Abed

M*A*S*H.

Fawlty Towers. Game over. Have a nice day.

Dean Pelton

[introducing the judges for Britta's trial] Our judges include myself, Dean Craig Pelton.

Professor Ian Duncan.

Professor Ben Chang.

Uh, no, you're a teacher, you're not a professor.

Maybe because I don't look like Ron Weasley.

That's the difference, that's the qualifying factor.

Dean Pelton

Gentleman.

Jeff

Point of order. How can Señor Chang be one of the judges? He's the one accussing my client.

Well, you got Prince Charles over here, your drinking buddy.

Oh, got me.

Dean Pelton

It sounds like there are two biases, one on each side, and I go both ways, so... let's strike that.

Jeff

She confessed to protect her classmates, because you were threatening to flunk everyone!

[Incredulous] You did what?

Oh, shut your pompous vortex of overlapping fangs!

Hey, British dentistry is not on trial!

Okay, I'm sorry. Do you mind if we have this conversation in a room with less balls? [To showering man] You're very confident, I'll say that.

But you shouldn't be.

[pulls out a roll of coins] Do you know what this is?

A roll of quarters?

Yeah, that's right! [punches Duncan]

[Dean enters anthropology classroom while Duncan is drinking wine, so Duncan throws the glass on floor] And that's how Jews celebrate at weddings! Anthropology!

L'chaim!

Professor Duncan, you are such a great teacher when you're drinking.

Thank you, Daryl.

Abed

It's Troy.

Hey, if the man wants to give "Daryl" an A, let him do it.

Jeff

I guess it could use a little something, theme-wise.

I have an idea. [everyone turns around] Bear down for midterms.

Jeff

What?

Bear down for midterms.

You can't just repeat it, you need to explain yourself.

Isn't she great? She's everything I love about America. Bold, opinionated, just past her peak. And starting to realize she that she has to settle for less. And the moment she needs a shoulder to cry on, BAM! [pulls out handkerchief] Huh? The Duncan handkerchief.

Jeff

Well, I'm out. Have fun circling my former lover, waiting for her to cry. I tried to make that sound good, but, uh, that’s what you’re doing.