Shirley quotes from Community

Shirley

Congratulations, Jeffrey. You worked hard not to work hard to earn that degree.

Shirley

You have been sexually harassing me since the very first day of class.

Pierce

Sexually harassing? That makes no sense to me. Why would I harass someone who turns me on?

Shirley

Can we have a protest? I want to protest the hell out of something.

Annie

We can have a candlelight vigil, like lesbians have on the news!

Annie

And, I hate you. And, I want to have your children.

Shirley

Damn, I picked the wrong couple to follow out of class this morning.

Where's Abed? I need to talk to him about his films.

Shirley

That boy is flat out prescient! He can read our minds!

Abed

I know what you're going to say. You watched my movies on the website.

Shirley

He's a witch!

Get him!

Abed

That's my newspaper.

Shirley

[hysterical] What do you need a paper for? You knew what was going to happen yesterday, you Middle Eastern magic eight ball! Pierce hurt his leg, Britta made Troy cry, what's my destiny? Am I going to die in a car? Is it going to happen soon?

Pierce

Wow, this is a real barn burner! Oh god, did I say cross burner?

Shirley

No, you did not!

Pierce

Oh, good.

Shirley

Pierce has got a girlfriend!

Britta

That's great. What's she do?

Pierce

She's an escort.

Shirley

Oh...

Jeff

Some mysteries solve themselves, don't they?

Shirley

I'm so sick of the dean jamming his PC-ness down my throat.

Jeff

Pierce, I'd like to commend you for letting that one go.

Shirley

You don't see me saying anything crazy about Abed and Troy's weird relationship.

[to each other] They're just jealous.

Shirley

Does anybody get specific about me?

Pierce

Check your e-mail.

Shirley

I'll mark you as spam.

Pierce

Who the hell's Pam?

Abed

What are you reading?

Annie

Pride and Prejudice.

Abed

So you're familiar with two sins... how about a third?

Shirley

Ooh! [Everyone leans in closer as Abed pulls out a cigarette case.]

Annie

I don't think we're allowed to smoke in here.

Abed

Well, then you picked the wrong outfit, didn't you.

Shirley

Abed, what are you doing?!

Abed

Don Draper from Mad Men. What did you think?

Britta

Weird.

Awesome.

Pierce

Put your tongue in her ear.

Annie

I liked it.

Dean

I see how that would be frustrating, but the fact is-

Abed

[Suggesting the lines to the Dean] Your ass is on the line.

Dean

My ass is on the line!

Abed

You just got off the phone with the mayor.

Dean

I just got off the phone with the- what, the mayor?! Stop doing that!

Abed

I'm trying to help. You're not doing this right.

Dean

[sarcastically] Well, maybe you should do it.

Abed

I'm sick and tired of making excuses for you two! You're an embarrassment to the department! You're off the case and off the force! Your badges and your windbreakers now! [Annie and Shirley hesitate] Now! I ain't got all day! Agitating my sciatica... I'm too old for this! Now, get out of my sight! Thought you were badasses, huh? Real badasses work together. All I see is a housewife and a girl scout.

Annie

[offended] Hey!

Shirley

Abed!

Abed

I said get out! And don't ever think about getting near this case, huh!

Dean

Pretty harsh.

Abed

[Talking normally] Whatever, that's what they needed.

Shirley

Come on, everybody, let's not make fun of Annie.

Annie

No, no, I don't want anybody's pity. You know, come to think of it, after Pierce, you're the most bigoted.

Shirley

What?

Annie

When you found out I was Jewish, you invited me into a "pool party" that turned out to be a baptism.

Shirley

Well, excuse me for trying to sneak you into heaven!