Dean Pelton quotes from Community

Annie

Troy isn't interested in football anymore. Getting injured in that keg stand was the best thing that ever happened to him.

Dean Pelton

Whoa! Yoko Ono much? Bro's before ho's, Troy.

Dean Pelton

[on designing a politically correct school mascot] We are developing the perfect mascot. No stereotypical identifiers from any race or gender.

Pierce

See, Jeff, this is a chart of the features we're staying away from. Pan-Asian eye folds, Irish chins, women's breasts.

Jeff

[noticing a chart of skin colors] Is that Seal?

Dean Pelton

That is our human color wheel. It goes from Seal to Seal's teeth.

Pierce

What do you think?

Jeff

I think that not being racist is the new racism.

Pierce

Dean, I'm going to get some more coffee. You want anything?

Dean Pelton

Oh, yeah. A Desmond Tutu, with just enough cream to make it a Lou Diamond Phillips.

Pierce

A La Bamba, got it.

Dean Pelton

Mr. Winger, did you happen to hear my announcement?

Jeff

I hang on every word.

Dean Pelton

I'm going to assume that's sarcasm.

Jeff

Correct.

Dean Pelton

So you didn't hear my announcement?

Jeff

I'm barely listening now.

Dean

Isn't it great? Greendale is the latest campus to catch a case of public health fever.

Britta

You know the toilets in the women's bathrooms don't have seats, right?

Dean

Because they keep getting stolen. Sabrina, take a note. I want hidden cameras in every stall.

Britta

Problem solved.

Jeff

You keep a list of everyone based on how good-looking they are?

Dean

Yes, we do... number two.

Dean Pelton?

Dean

Yes, Professor Seven... uh, Professor Slater?

Dean

I see how that would be frustrating, but the fact is-

Abed

[Suggesting the lines to the Dean] Your ass is on the line.

Dean

My ass is on the line!

Abed

You just got off the phone with the mayor.

Dean

I just got off the phone with the- what, the mayor?! Stop doing that!

Abed

I'm trying to help. You're not doing this right.

Dean

[sarcastically] Well, maybe you should do it.

Abed

I'm sick and tired of making excuses for you two! You're an embarrassment to the department! You're off the case and off the force! Your badges and your windbreakers now! [Annie and Shirley hesitate] Now! I ain't got all day! Agitating my sciatica... I'm too old for this! Now, get out of my sight! Thought you were badasses, huh? Real badasses work together. All I see is a housewife and a girl scout.

Annie

[offended] Hey!

Shirley

Abed!

Abed

I said get out! And don't ever think about getting near this case, huh!

Dean

Pretty harsh.

Abed

[Talking normally] Whatever, that's what they needed.

[talking about the paintball competition] What's the prize?

Dean Pelton

It was a DVD Blu-Ray player but it was stolen, so now it's TBD.

I want TBD; is that new?

Pierce

if it's what I think I had it for a month in the seventies.

Abed

[about the new space simulator] Once we clean it, can we go inside?

Dean Pelton

No. That is a job for some upstanding students, who are training right now in the simulator simulator.

Leonard

[sitting in a cardboard box] Great job on this. Hard to believe I'm not really not really in space.

Dean

[dramatic music plays as he reads Jeff's course schedule, then gives an evil smile] Agnes, cancel my appointments.

What appointments?

Dean

[beat] Wishful thinking.

And scene!

Dean

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

We just took down a professional paintball warrior.

Dean

What? That is absurd! Why would someone who's paid to do things be at Greendale?

Jeff

We're gonna fly to school each morning,We're gonna smile the entire time.

Britta

We're gonna be more happy,We're gonna finally be fine!

Abed

We're gonna get more calm and normal,

We're gonna fix our state of mind!

Annie

We're gonna be less crazy,

We're gonna finally be fine!

Shirley

We're gonna stand holding hands in a brand new land,Far away from the borderline!

Dean

We're gonna seem like a mainstream dream,

And be appealing to all mankiiiiiind!

We're gonna have more fun and be less weirdThan the first two years combined!And we're gonna live forever!

And we're gonna sleep together!

And we're gonna finallyBe sunny and shinilyWe're gonna finally be fine!

Jeff

[As Dean] Welcome to Dean-dale Community Colle-dean! I'm a silly goose. Honk honk! Dean-a-lee-doo! Look at me, this is my sister's outfit!

Dean

Jeffrey, stop. [Pause] You've hit gold. Save some for the screen.

Abed

Britta.

Britta

Is this about regionals?

Abed

I just talked to Cory, and he needs you to be the Mouse King instead of me.

Britta

Me? But I'm supposed to be a mute tree.

Abed

It's an emergency.

Abed

This will help us get to regionals.

Britta

I knew it! Wait, where are the lyrics?

Abed

They're in your heart, Britta.

Britta

Right! Duh-doi!

[singing] We are everyone

Britta

[singing terribly] Christmas tiiiiiime!

Dean Pelton

Oh, Britta's in this?