Dean Pelton quotes from Community

Pierce

I'm a millionaire, I'm an inventor, I'm a legend, and I had sex with Eartha Kitt!

Dean Pelton

[as a doctor in the "Greendale Asylum"] That's sad. Should we increase their lithium?

Garrett

[with Dan Harmon's voice] Not yet. I want to see what happens if we confiscate one of their pens.

Annie

It’s good to be back.

Shirley

Should we go celebrate at Skeepers?

Britta

Aw, come on, Shirley; we all have lives.

Dean Pelton

There you are! I am so proud how you stepped up and made amends, and everyone forgave you! Because when it comes right down to it, Greendale's a forgiving place.

Annie

It really is.

Dean Pelton

Please keep that in mind for the next 20 seconds; remember that people can "chang".

Jeff

People can what?

Dean Pelton

Hmm?

Hi, I'm Kevin.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Dean Pelton

[whispering] He has Changnesia.

Jeff

I thought I told you to stop reading my emails.

Dean

Well, I thought I told you to stop keeping secrets!

Dean

The perfect mix of low intellect, limited ambition, and limitless parental support.

Jeff

So, a rich dum-dum who will never graduate and keep dropping money into the school indefinitely. Got it.

Britta

We do need the money. The biology department's been dissecting the same dead pig for ten years.

Dean

If we get this money, we can buy 100 pigs and make everybody happy.

Jeff

Three and a half years ago, when I came to Greendale, I met six very important people.

Dean

Ooh, burn on Britta.

Jeff

Sorry, seven. And meeting these people changed my life. Yep. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.

Yeah, okay.

Abed

Whatever.

Jeff

I'm so used to being the guy who can talk his way out of anything, but what do you say when you don't want a way out? What you have all done for me is indescribable. It's unbelievable. And my love for you is immeasurable, even when you split it seven ways.

Dean

I am hereby banning change from this campus.

You really think that's an effective-

Dean

Well, guess what? Your two cents is change, and it's banned!

Dean

Now, Jeffrey, I beg you not to take this risk. You know what they say: Fives have lives, Fours have chores, Threes have fleas, Twos have blues, and Ones don't get a rhyme because they're garbage!

Jeff

Craig, I got this.

You guys are my friends in real life. This is my imagination or something.

Freeze, everybody! Don't make me zap you!

Craig, it's me. Jeff.

Dean

Oh, Jeffrey! Are you okay?

No, he's not. Take it from an expert in delusion: If Jeff is hallucinating something this cool, something's wrong. He needs to get back.

Jeff

Hey.

Britta

Hey.

Jeff

So...what are you gonna do?

Britta

I'm thinking I'm gonna transfer to City College, but I'm knowing I'm gonna be a bartender. You?

Jeff

Subway offered me a job.

Britta

Nice! [quick pause] I'm worried about Abed and Annie. They're not ready for this to end.

Jeff

Yeah, they're part of the "adulthood begins at 30" generation. I'm...I'm actually looking forward to a little bit of-

Britta

Sanity?

Jeff

Yes! Sanity. Yeah, I mean, it's over, but on the other hand, it's over.

Britta

Amen. And to think, this all started because you wanted to-

Jeff

Nail you. [chuckles] Yeah, I regret nothing.

Britta

Don't. I mean, after everything that's happened here, what did either of us get done aside from each other?

Jeff

Exactly, and what are either of us gonna be leaving...with...?

Britta

"Um...I should go clean out my locker," she said at the age of 33...

Jeff

Let's get married.

Britta

What?

Jeff

Yeah, right? I mean, this is what matters, right? This is what keeps people from being pointless! Let's do what people do. Let's get a house we can't afford, and a dog that makes us angry.

Britta

And dedicate an entire cabinet to grocery bags and realize we have a favorite brand of olive oil?

Jeff

Yes; marry me.

Britta

Okay, yeah.

Britta

Yeah...uh, yeah, this feels...right. Let's get out of here and never look back.

Jeff

Yeah, but first, let's lock these doors and pull these shades. We've never had sex on the new table.

Britta

Yes, two for two! Medium roughness, high tempo?

Jeff

Let's make it a number eight.

Dean Pelton

BURIED TREASURE!

Dean Pelton

You're here to save me, aren't you?

Britta

Let's get out of here and never look back.

Abed

Jeff, in case you have to remember me, can I give you some options for voice-over quotes?

Jeff

Shut up, Abed.

Jeff

M'lady.

Annie

M'lord.

Annie

Did we save Greendale? Did we just save Greendale?!

No! No, you did not! You moved dirt around Greendale's grave! Your school is still bankrupt, it is still unmarketable, and is still on the permanent chopping block of anyone who has any say in its future!

Dean Pelton

Yeah? Well, around here, we call that Wednesday.

Dean Pelton

Welcome back to Greendale, now ranking fifth on Colorado's alphabetical list of community colleges! Rest in peace, Bad Boy Slim's DJ School. This school owes its debt to its following heroes: Jeff Winger, a teacher so dedicated to clean energy, he's already parking his car like it's electric. Britta Perry, currently raising awareness of homelessness - not like she has a choice. Abed Nadir, who actually wrote this announcement for the sake of, as he put it, "catching everyone up". And Annie Edison, who led the effort to save Greendale from 534 critical emergencies.

Annie

534...?

Britta

Excuse me, ma'am. Is she above us or below us?

Dean Pelton

She is - Woah! I' m getting a call here, and, um, I'll have to take it. Frankie, why don't you explain what your role will be while I leave to take this call? My phone is vibrating, but it is-

Jeff

In your office, which you didn't realize when you started the fake phone call move.

Dean Pelton

My phone is in my pocket, Jeffrey! I'm walking away so I can get it out, and answer it! [quietly] Let me know how it goes.

Frankie

Okay, I'll just have a seat, and-

Annie

Our friend used to sit there.

Abed

She spun off.

Frankie

I'm sorry. What about here? [gestures to Pierce's chair]

Frankie

Okay, so I took an informal survey to get a sense of how Greendale is perceived, and three themes emerged: weird, passionate and gross. In marketing, it's what we call the "Good Belushi". If I had a magic wand, I would use it to make sure that Greendale never had to grow up. I would also probably use it to cut the Magic Wand class that I noticed is actually offered here, as well as VCR Repair, a class called Ladders, and When is it Okay to Shake a Baby? In terms of hierarchy, I'm a big believer in it. Someone needs to say I'm in charge, and that person is me. That's my decision. That doesn't mean we don't work together, but all communication and decisions will go through me. I'll send out an email later to set up our next meeting.

Dean Pelton

JESUS WEPT!

Frankie

He deleted the serial number; Jeff, help me out here!

Jeff

I don't get paid enough for this...

Frankie

How much do you think you're going to get paid if I have to find five grand in the budget?

Jeff

You're not the new Annie. You're the new Abed.

Frankie

I don't know what that means yet.