Pierce quotes from Community

Pierce

Of course, it didn't help any that I can't have children. I'm not sterile; in fact, it's a rare condition called hyper-virility. Apparently my sperm shoot through the egg like bullets. Can you believe that?

Jeff

I can't. But you can, so that's fine.

Pierce

[raising a glass] To the empowerage of words.

Jeff

To the irony of that sentence.

[After seeing Jeff and Pierce's presentation] F. F-minus.

Pierce

Did you say "S"?

Dean Pelton

[approaching the study group] Hi, everybody. Well, look at this group, having some kind of meeting and being so diverse. There is just one of every kind of you, isn't there?

Pierce

Well, we are missing a pipsqueak, but we don't want one, so beat it.

Dean Pelton

[on designing a politically correct school mascot] We are developing the perfect mascot. No stereotypical identifiers from any race or gender.

Pierce

See, Jeff, this is a chart of the features we're staying away from. Pan-Asian eye folds, Irish chins, women's breasts.

Jeff

[noticing a chart of skin colors] Is that Seal?

Dean Pelton

That is our human color wheel. It goes from Seal to Seal's teeth.

Pierce

What do you think?

Jeff

I think that not being racist is the new racism.

Pierce

Dean, I'm going to get some more coffee. You want anything?

Dean Pelton

Oh, yeah. A Desmond Tutu, with just enough cream to make it a Lou Diamond Phillips.

Pierce

A La Bamba, got it.

Pierce

[after trading drugs with Starburns] Hey, man, what'd you slip me? I keep grinding my teeth and I want to kiss everybody.

What did you slip me, man? My heart stopped racing and I can't pee.

Jeff

Pierce, stop grinding on the Women's Studies department. You are too old to be tripping!

Pierce

I'm old?

Pierce

Those floating Mexican skeletons were right. My life is over!

Jeff

Well, when we go to floating skeletons with our problems, we get what we pay for, don't we?

Pierce

I'm old, Jeff.

Jeff

Pierce, I don't know how you spent the first sixty years, but I know in the last two months you've probably doubled the national average for amount of life lived per lifetime.

Pierce

Well, I do have a young, African-American friend now.

Jeff

Yeah, and, more importantly, you're dressed like a gladiator, in a desk fort that you built during a bad trip. If life is just a series of ridiculous attempts to be alive, you're a hero to everything that's ever lived.

Pierce

I lived in my car for a stretch in the seventies. Nothing like bedding a woman in the vinyl backseat of a Skylark. Of course, we didn't have the same safety standards back then, so, heh, no condoms. I tell you, before AIDS, sex was like shaking hands.

Abed

Hence, AIDS.

Pierce

Wow, this is a real barn burner! Oh god, did I say cross burner?

Shirley

No, you did not!

Pierce

Oh, good.

Britta

There's only one solution. Someone has to go to Chang and talk to him.

Annie

I vote we all look at Jeff at the same time. [They do.]

Jeff

[Not paying attention] In a way, all of you are right... OK, what was I tuning out?

Annie

You have to get Chang to call off some of this homework! You're the one with the silver tongue.

Pierce

Yeah, go tongue Chang.

Shirley

Pierce has got a girlfriend!

Britta

That's great. What's she do?

Pierce

She's an escort.

Shirley

Oh...

Jeff

Some mysteries solve themselves, don't they?

Pierce

[Talking about Troy's dancing] Troy, what you did took guts. I'm impressed.

Thanks, Pierce.

Pierce

And such a creative way to tell the world you're gay.

Shirley

Does anybody get specific about me?

Pierce

Check your e-mail.

Shirley

I'll mark you as spam.

Pierce

Who the hell's Pam?