Community · Season 1, Episode 8
I'm really sorry about how things ended.
Yeah, well I'm really sorry I can't accept your apology 'cause you're toxic, Britta. You know what, you're like the exact opposite of an anti-oxidant. Yeah, psh, I got band practice. Lates.
Can't we still be friends? And isn't the word "later" already short enough?
[Britta turns off the TV.]
Hey, what are you doing? That was The Jeffersons, honky...
I was wrong, OK? Material possessions are important. Think how much happier The Jeffersons were than that family on Good Times.
Yeah, but they had good times.
Say there are two friends, and they're in the same class, and one of them wants to ask the other one out on date. Like a grown up date, but within biking distance of his parents' house.
They could do something on campus. Tomorrow there's a picnic with live music on the East lawn. They're calling it 'A Night Under the Stars.'
Cool. I bet Randy would love that type of thing.
[disappointed] Randy? Oh, I thought...
Oh! You thought... I can't believe I mislead you like that. Listen, Randy can be the name of a guy or a girl. And in this case, it is definitely a girl. Thanks for your help.
[Troy walks away, Annie calling after him]
You're welcome!
[She lowers her voice as Jeff and Britta walk by, followed by Shirley]
And, I hate you. And, I want to have your children.
Damn, I picked the wrong couple to follow out of class this morning.
I lived in my car for a stretch in the seventies. Nothing like bedding a woman in the vinyl backseat of a Skylark. Of course, we didn't have the same safety standards back then, so, heh, no condoms. I tell you, before AIDS, sex was like shaking hands.
Hence, AIDS.
[after losing his condo] This condo is all that's left of me. Every part of it is a part of who I am.
Is that a bidet?
That part's for resale value... and Saturday afternoons.
How are you so satisified all the time, Abed? I mean, don't you ever want anything more out of life than cereal?
[thinking] Sometimes, I like to pour hot cocoa mix into cold milk, and drink it like a cold hot chocolate. I call it Special Drink.
And someday, you will know it by it's true name: diabetes.
You're Goldie Hawn, Jeff.
I'm sorry?
You're Goldie Hawn.
Is it the lips?
No. In Overboard, she was just like you. Wealthy, assertive, arrogant, got manicures all the time. But then she fell off her boat, and it was a good thing for her, because, ultimately, she realized she was happier being poor and raising four unruly boys with Kurt Russell.
Can I not be Kurt Russell in this scenario?
You can do whatever you want, you just have to know what that is. For me, it's Lucky Charms and TV.
[Abed and Jeff are watching The Jeffersons and eating cereal in their pajamas]
It's really great to have someone to watch stuff with. My dad never wanted to watch anything, so I was kind of raised by TV.
TV's the best dad there is. TV never came home drunk, TV never forgot me at the zoo, TV never abused and insulted me. Unless you count Cop Rock.
Cop Rock. Sounds cool.
Doesn't it?
Wow, you guys are really dorming it up in here, huh?
Yeah, in the last two days, I've spent a quarter.
We're having the time of our lives.
See, who needs platinum faucets? Do you guys even have faucets in here?
There's a communal bathroom down the hallway. It actually helped me come to terms with losing my condo. You don't sit on a toilet like that until you've left the material world behind.
You guys weren't in Spanish class.
Knight Rider marathon.
A shadowy flight into the world of a man that does not exist.
[The study group is trying to help Jeff, who is living in his car after being evicted from his condo, but he refuses any help]
The next person who offers me pity or charity will be mentioned — by name — in my suicide note.
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