“Introduction to Statistics” quotes from Community

Jeff

Batman. Are you staying for the party?

Abed

[in Batman costume] If I stay, there can be no party. I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant.

Jeff

[To Professor Slater] Please sleep with me. Please. Pretty please. I'm so lonely. I haven't slept with anyone in a very long time and you are so good looking. Please do me the favor of having sex with me.

That's one of my biggest fears.

Abed

What is?

If I ever, like, woke up as a donut...

Abed

You would eat yourself?

I wouldn't even question it.

Britta

Whoa, Yippee kay yay. Thought you weren't a costume guy.

Jeff

You had to have one to get in here, squirrel.

Britta

Oh, so where did you get it? 'Cause I wouldn't think any costume stores would be open this late.

Jeff

Well, I know what you're getting at--

Britta

I think the words you're lookin for are "I own a cowboy outfit. And it is tight." Did you buy it like that? Your toy gun to my head, I'd say yes!

Annie

Dia de los muertos, or 'Day of the Dead', is sometiems referred to as Mexican Halloween.

Which is actually quite offensive to people familiar with Mexican Halloween as a sexual position.

Hey, can I ask you something I've always wanted to ask the real Batman?

Abed

Yeah.

Am I good-looking?

Abed

You're a very attractive young man.

I knew it.

Jeff

Are you going to the faculty party? Make me your plus one.

Oh, give it up, Winger! Professor Slater doesn't date students... or married Asians who drive mopeds.

Jeff

I'll give you twenty bucks.

I'll bring the hog around.

Pierce

[after trading drugs with Starburns] Hey, man, what'd you slip me? I keep grinding my teeth and I want to kiss everybody.

What did you slip me, man? My heart stopped racing and I can't pee.

Hi, Michelle Slater, Ph.D.

Britta

Britta Perry, G.E.D.

Oh, are you a classmate of Jeff's?

Jeff

Well, when you say classmate, it sounds like we take naps together and eat paste.

Jeff, Pierce took something, and he is tripping balls! He is touching people and dancing weird. It's like Grumpy Old Men, but not hilarious.

Jeff

Pierce, stop grinding on the Women's Studies department. You are too old to be tripping!

Pierce

I'm old?

[to Jeff] Are you like a court-appointed guardian for these people?

Pierce

Those floating Mexican skeletons were right. My life is over!

Jeff

Well, when we go to floating skeletons with our problems, we get what we pay for, don't we?

Pierce

I'm old, Jeff.

Jeff

Pierce, I don't know how you spent the first sixty years, but I know in the last two months you've probably doubled the national average for amount of life lived per lifetime.

Pierce

Well, I do have a young, African-American friend now.

Jeff

Yeah, and, more importantly, you're dressed like a gladiator, in a desk fort that you built during a bad trip. If life is just a series of ridiculous attempts to be alive, you're a hero to everything that's ever lived.

Candy corn looks like tiny traffic cones.

Abed

Yeah, it sure does.

At like a candy traffic school. Like a little gingerbread man at the wheel. And he's drunk!

Abed

Look out!

We drivin'. But you keep wantin' to eat yourself.

Abed

All day.

That's one of my biggest fears.

Abed

What is?

If I ever, like, woke up as a donut...

Abed

You would eat yourself?

I wouldn't even question it. That's one of my biggest fears.

Abed

Mmm. That'd be tasty.

It's cool to know other people think about this stuff, too.

Abed

Yeah. Yeah.