Pierce quotes from Community

Abed

What are you reading?

Annie

Pride and Prejudice.

Abed

So you're familiar with two sins... how about a third?

Shirley

Ooh! [Everyone leans in closer as Abed pulls out a cigarette case.]

Annie

I don't think we're allowed to smoke in here.

Abed

Well, then you picked the wrong outfit, didn't you.

Shirley

Abed, what are you doing?!

Abed

Don Draper from Mad Men. What did you think?

Britta

Weird.

Awesome.

Pierce

Put your tongue in her ear.

Annie

I liked it.

Jeff

[sobbing] I hate Glee.

Pierce

I'm not crazy about Glee either.

Jeff

I hate it! I don't understand the appeal at all.

Pierce

Abed, your social skills aren't exactly streets ahead, you know what I mean?

Abed

I don't.

Jeff

[To Abed] You're not alone on this case. Pierce, stop trying to coin the phrase "streets ahead".

Pierce

Trying? Coined and minted. Been there, coined that! "Streets ahead" is verbal wildfire.

Annie

Does it just mean "cool", or is it supposed to be like "miles ahead"?

Pierce

[Sighs] If you have to ask, you're streets behind.

Abed

You still call me a terrorist.

Pierce

If you're not, I'm sorry. If you are, I'm a hero. It's a risk I'm prepared to take.

[talking about the paintball competition] What's the prize?

Dean Pelton

It was a DVD Blu-Ray player but it was stolen, so now it's TBD.

I want TBD; is that new?

Pierce

if it's what I think I had it for a month in the seventies.

Pierce

So, you guys formed an alliance without me?

Jeff

Yep. You with Starburns?

Pierce

Not if I can be with you. (promptly takes his gun and shoots Starburns) It's just Starburns.

Pierce

You want my advice? Pork her and move on. It's what we did back in my day.

Jeff

Yes, but you also put hydrogen in blimps and that was bad.

Jeff

Britta, you're not whore. Shirley, you're not going to sue a woman for stealing your husband, and Pierce, do I even need to say it? It is bad to hunt man for sport!

Pierce

Badass!

What's with the lava lamp?

Pierce

It's not a lava lamp, it's my mom.

Ooooh, snap! [realizing Pierce is not joking] Wait, what?

Leonard

Let's bail.

Pierce

Wait a minute; what about Richard?

Leonard

Screw Richard! It's every man for himself!

Pierce

Richard, are you alright?

Who's Richard? Is that me?

Pierce

Yes.

Then I'm fine. Who are those people running away? Are those my friends?

Pierce

Now, that's a very good question.

Pierce

If - and I mean if - the culprit is among us, statistically speaking it's Troy.

Jeff

[sarcastically] Yes, Pierce, we were all thinking that, in 1856.

[Singing] To you!

Pierce

That was weird, how come we only sang the last two words? What happened to the happy birthday part?

Shirley

You know Troy's a Jehovah's Witness, he doesn't celebrate birthdays.

Abed

Annie and I did our best to keep the language on the cake compliant.

[Reading the message written on his birthday cake] Hello during a random dessert, the month and day of which coincide numerically with your expulsion from a uterus.

Abed

[opens a Christmas gift marked "Meaning of Christmas"] It's the first season of Lost on DVD.

Pierce

That's the meaning of Christmas?

Abed

No. It's a metaphor. It represents lack of pay-off.

Abed

I get it. The meaning of Christmas is the idea that Christmas has meaning. And it can be whatever we want. For me, it used to mean being with my mom. Now it means being with you guys. Thanks, Lost.

Annie

It's not like I'm seeing anyone. There's just a guy...

Abed

A guy that goes to Greendale? Is it the Russian guy that looks like a short Johnny Depp?

Annie

It doesn't matter.

Is it the guy who looks a little like Vince Vaughn but smells a lot like fish?

Abed

Is it the guy who looks like Anderson Cooper but with the soul patch and the ponytail?

Annie

No.

Is it Black Michael Chiklis?

Annie

No.

Pierce

The white George Foreman?

Britta

You guys are talking about the same person: he's biracial, his name is David, and he's a human being.

Is it Fat Neil?

Abed

Bluestreak?

Pierce

Optimus Prime?

Annie

Okay, even I know some of these are Transformers.

Jeff

Is it Jean-Claude Van Overbite?

Abed

We should really start learning people's names.

Jeff

I agree with brown Jamie Lee Curtis.

Abed

As the goblins retreat, you notice a naked sixty-seven year old man with no weapons lying in the grass shivering. His name is...

Pierce

Pierce Hawthorne and I'm sixty-six, dick.

Abed

In about thirteen turns, he will die of exposure. Jeff?

Jeff

I wait fourteen turns.