Abed quotes from Community

Jeff

Are you going to take the class?

Abed

Oh, can't. My dad will only pay for classes that will help me run the family restaurant. It's been struggling since 2001. 9/11 was pretty much the 9/11 of the falafel business.

Abed

I'll have to make some adjustments to my film. Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father.

Jeff

I don't want to be your father.

Abed

That's perfect. You already know your lines.

Annie

This is really important to me, Abed. Could you please go as my friend? My really good friend?

Abed

Well, I didn't realize we were really good friends. I figured we were more like Chandler and Phoebe; they never really had stories together. ...Sure, I'll do it, Chandler.

Listen, I wanted to ask you about that young lady in your Spanish class. You know, the blonde, with the pouty, strident, Cate Blanchett sexuality, and the ridiculous name.

Jeff

Britta.

That's it. Can you imagine living with that? Can you imagine? Unbelievable. Anyway, um, are you two an item, and if so, would that item be impervious to sabotage?

Jeff

You know, you have the savoir faire of a hyena. How is that that you and James Bond come from the same island?

Message received. I'll just wait for you to finish striking out first.

Jeff

Cheers.

Abed

M*A*S*H.

Fawlty Towers. Game over. Have a nice day.

Abed

[commenting on Jeff and Britta's argument] Will they or won't they? Sexual tension.

Jeff

Abed, it makes the group uncomfortable when you talk about us like we're characters in a show you're watching.

Abed

Well, that's sort of my gimmick, but we did lean on that pretty hard last week. I can lay low for an episode.

Abed

[over PA system] A few quick announcements. Announcement number one: All announcements will be cool starting right now.

Announcement number two: Butt soup!

Abed

Announcement number three: I am not Hadji from Johnny Quest.

On security news: You guys gotta start locking the Dean's door so guys like us don't get in.

Jeff

Batman. Are you staying for the party?

Abed

[in Batman costume] If I stay, there can be no party. I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant.

That's one of my biggest fears.

Abed

What is?

If I ever, like, woke up as a donut...

Abed

You would eat yourself?

I wouldn't even question it.

Hey, can I ask you something I've always wanted to ask the real Batman?

Abed

Yeah.

Am I good-looking?

Abed

You're a very attractive young man.

I knew it.

Candy corn looks like tiny traffic cones.

Abed

Yeah, it sure does.

At like a candy traffic school. Like a little gingerbread man at the wheel. And he's drunk!

Abed

Look out!

We drivin'. But you keep wantin' to eat yourself.

Abed

All day.

That's one of my biggest fears.

Abed

What is?

If I ever, like, woke up as a donut...

Abed

You would eat yourself?

I wouldn't even question it. That's one of my biggest fears.

Abed

Mmm. That'd be tasty.

It's cool to know other people think about this stuff, too.

Abed

Yeah. Yeah.

Pierce

I lived in my car for a stretch in the seventies. Nothing like bedding a woman in the vinyl backseat of a Skylark. Of course, we didn't have the same safety standards back then, so, heh, no condoms. I tell you, before AIDS, sex was like shaking hands.

Abed

Hence, AIDS.

Jeff

How are you so satisified all the time, Abed? I mean, don't you ever want anything more out of life than cereal?

Abed

[thinking] Sometimes, I like to pour hot cocoa mix into cold milk, and drink it like a cold hot chocolate. I call it Special Drink.

Jeff

And someday, you will know it by it's true name: diabetes.

Abed

You're Goldie Hawn, Jeff.

Jeff

I'm sorry?

Abed

You're Goldie Hawn.

Jeff

Is it the lips?

Abed

No. In Overboard, she was just like you. Wealthy, assertive, arrogant, got manicures all the time. But then she fell off her boat, and it was a good thing for her, because, ultimately, she realized she was happier being poor and raising four unruly boys with Kurt Russell.

Jeff

Can I not be Kurt Russell in this scenario?

Abed

You can do whatever you want, you just have to know what that is. For me, it's Lucky Charms and TV.

Abed

It's really great to have someone to watch stuff with. My dad never wanted to watch anything, so I was kind of raised by TV.

Jeff

TV's the best dad there is. TV never came home drunk, TV never forgot me at the zoo, TV never abused and insulted me. Unless you count Cop Rock.

Abed

Cop Rock. Sounds cool.

Jeff

Doesn't it?

Britta

Wow, you guys are really dorming it up in here, huh?

Jeff

Yeah, in the last two days, I've spent a quarter.

Abed

We're having the time of our lives.

Britta

See, who needs platinum faucets? Do you guys even have faucets in here?

Jeff

There's a communal bathroom down the hallway. It actually helped me come to terms with losing my condo. You don't sit on a toilet like that until you've left the material world behind.

Britta

You guys weren't in Spanish class.

Jeff

Knight Rider marathon.

Abed

A shadowy flight into the world of a man that does not exist.

Abed

I know what you're going to say. You watched my movies on the website.

Shirley

He's a witch!

Get him!