Abed quotes from Community

Abed

That's my newspaper.

Shirley

[hysterical] What do you need a paper for? You knew what was going to happen yesterday, you Middle Eastern magic eight ball! Pierce hurt his leg, Britta made Troy cry, what's my destiny? Am I going to die in a car? Is it going to happen soon?

Britta

Guys, are we really going to let religion divide us? I think there's one thing we can all agree on.

Abed

I get 72 virgins in heaven.

Britta

...No.

Abed

Jeff, what's your favorite episode of M*A*S*H?

Jeff

The one with, uh... the army.

Abed

That's what I thought. If you'd ever actually seen the show, you'd know that Hawkeye didn't just bed nurses and drink martinis. He also had blood sprayed on his face and barked orders when the choppers came in. If he didn't, people died. He was a leader, Jeff. That's your job.

Annie

Before we start, I'd like to have a preliminary pow-wow, or prelimi-wow, about what I'm calling our library's back-door conundrum.

Abed

That sounds like a porno starring Kate Winslet.

Shirley

You don't see me saying anything crazy about Abed and Troy's weird relationship.

[to each other] They're just jealous.

Are you sure Britta couldn't do your part?

Abed

I asked her. She wasn't available.

[Sighs] Let's go film the sex scene.

Abed

Another muffin basket, from another actress who wants to be in my next film.

Jeff

Does that work?

Abed

Yep. Meryl Streep has two Oscars because of her baking. Ah, that's sarcasm, but I forgot to inflect. This sounds way more like sarcasm. Inflection is so interesting.

Abed

What are you reading?

Annie

Pride and Prejudice.

Abed

So you're familiar with two sins... how about a third?

Shirley

Ooh! [Everyone leans in closer as Abed pulls out a cigarette case.]

Annie

I don't think we're allowed to smoke in here.

Abed

Well, then you picked the wrong outfit, didn't you.

Shirley

Abed, what are you doing?!

Abed

Don Draper from Mad Men. What did you think?

Britta

Weird.

Awesome.

Pierce

Put your tongue in her ear.

Annie

I liked it.

Abed

The truth is lots of girls like me because, let's face it, I'm pretty adorable, and, uh, my aloofness unconsciously reminds them of their fathers, so... I'm more used to them approaching me.

Britta

So we didn't damage your self-esteem or anything?

Abed

Britta, I've got self-esteem falling out of my butt. That's why I was willing to change for you guys. When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn't such a big deal.

Jeff

Abed, you're a god.

Jeff

What are you guys doing?

Abed

They're teaching me how to be someone else.

Jeff

Oh, for God's sake, what did I tell you guys?

Abed

[doing a Jeff impression] Oh, for God's sake everybody, do whatever you want! Leave each other alone!

Whoa! That is a good Jeff! How did you do that?

Abed

10% Dick Van Dyke, 20% Sam Malone, 40% Zach Braff from Scrubs, 30% Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry.

Jeff

[disappointed] Zach Braff...

Abed

Sorry.

Abed

The truth is lots of girls like me because, let's face it, I'm pretty adorable, and, uh, my aloofness unconsciously reminds them of their fathers, so... I'm more used to them approaching me.

Britta

So we didn't damage your self-esteem or anything?

Abed

Britta, I've got self-esteem falling out of my butt. That's why I was willing to change for you guys. When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn't such a big deal.

Jeff

Abed...you're a god. If you'll all excuse me, I have a man to beat in pool while wearing shorts.

Is that code for going number one or number two?

Britta

Abed, you've inspired me too. People can mock me all they want. I don't care how I say the word "baggle".

Abed

"Baggle."

Abed

I hope they're not twins. Twins freak me out. They always know what the other one is--

--Thinking?

Abed

Yeah. And they're always finishing each other's--

--Pie?

Abed

Exactly. It's creepy.

Dean

I see how that would be frustrating, but the fact is-

Abed

[Suggesting the lines to the Dean] Your ass is on the line.

Dean

My ass is on the line!

Abed

You just got off the phone with the mayor.

Dean

I just got off the phone with the- what, the mayor?! Stop doing that!

Abed

I'm trying to help. You're not doing this right.

Dean

[sarcastically] Well, maybe you should do it.

Abed

I'm sick and tired of making excuses for you two! You're an embarrassment to the department! You're off the case and off the force! Your badges and your windbreakers now! [Annie and Shirley hesitate] Now! I ain't got all day! Agitating my sciatica... I'm too old for this! Now, get out of my sight! Thought you were badasses, huh? Real badasses work together. All I see is a housewife and a girl scout.

Annie

[offended] Hey!

Shirley

Abed!

Abed

I said get out! And don't ever think about getting near this case, huh!

Dean

Pretty harsh.

Abed

[Talking normally] Whatever, that's what they needed.

Pierce

Abed, your social skills aren't exactly streets ahead, you know what I mean?

Abed

I don't.

Jeff

[To Abed] You're not alone on this case. Pierce, stop trying to coin the phrase "streets ahead".

Pierce

Trying? Coined and minted. Been there, coined that! "Streets ahead" is verbal wildfire.

Annie

Does it just mean "cool", or is it supposed to be like "miles ahead"?

Pierce

[Sighs] If you have to ask, you're streets behind.

Abed

You still call me a terrorist.

Pierce

If you're not, I'm sorry. If you are, I'm a hero. It's a risk I'm prepared to take.