Beavis and Butt-Head · Season 8
Yes, do you see what they are saying?
Yes, I do, and if you want to get ahead here, you just listen to these guys. See Hamid, our goal is to help the customer, of course. But if we're on the phone for too long, we don't make any money. We go out of business, and then what will the customers do?
I am Hamid! I am Chinese! Do not hang up on me!
You see that? Keep up the good work, fellas!
Uh, ma'am? Could you like, say "trackball" again?
Track... ball...
Hey guys, this guy, he say "Microsoft!" Heh-heh! It's funny, right? "Micro-soft?" Eh-heh-heh!
Uh, not bad, Hamid.
Yeah, you're getting better! Keep up the good work.
He said "power drain." Heh-heh-heh...
Uh, that's not funny. This really isn't working out, Hamid.
Yes, but I am trying.
Yeah, I understand your frustration.
Whoa! Are these video games?
Cool! Me first! Me first!
Now, I know we all think of the army as a killing machine, but unlike the marauding forces that perpetrated war crimes in Vietnam, today's army focuses more on peace-keeping and winning hearts and minds. M'kay?
No, it's about killing the enemy. We actually focus on that quite a bit.
Right, well killing them with kindness.
Not so much, really. Mostly with weapons. Everything from bayonets to stinger missiles.
Yes, which are fired only in self defense.
Sometimes. Sometimes we just kill the bastards in their sleep. Gives us the element of surprise.
Um... how about we take a look at the barracks?
[reading the "Drone Control" sign] Drain central? This must be the bathroom.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Heh. You know, see, that makes more sense than calling it a bathroom, because that's where you go to drain your lizard. You know what I'm saying? Drain central.
Whoa! Are these video games?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool! Me first! I hope this game is unrated. That would be cool. [the sound beeps] Well, check it out. I think this is Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, but with airplanes.
Cool.
Where are the prostitutes?
Uh, I think you need to find San Andreas first.
Oh, yeah. Here we go. I'm gonna shoot some prostitutes.
Hey, whoa! Check it out. Are those prostitutes? I think they have fur coats on. [flies the drone close to a herd of sheep, scaring them away]
Damn it, butthole, you scared away all the prostitutes. Let me handle this. [plays with the joystick in a suggestive manner] Hey, Beavis, check it out. I'm fantasizing about your mom.
[the duo fights with the remote]
Damn it, Butt-Hhead, cut it out!
Wank...
I was here first. [pushes Butt-head to another seat]
Damn it, Beavis, I'm gonna kick your ass! [the sound beeps] Whoa. This one's cooler, anyway. This is gonna be cool.
[after accidentally forcing a screw through his hand, playing with an action figure and a screwdriver] Ahh! Butt-Head!
[referring to the screw] It's in his butt.
It hurts!
Uh, I wouldn't know.
Uh, oh yeah! Well, I mean, the screw, went into my hand! Come on, get it out!
Oh my God! He's bleeding!
Cool! Uh, don't worry, I'll fix it.
Come on, Butt-Head, do something! [Butt-Head grabs a power drill] AHH! [holds hand away]
Settle down, Beavis! [Beavis looks unsure] Uh, okay this is gonna hurt you a lot more than it's gonna hurt me. How hold still, dumbass! [Beavis, shuts his eyes and holds both hands out to Butt-Head, who accidentally forces the screw even deeper, through his other hand attaching his hands together]
Cut it out, bunghole!!
[panicking] OH MY GOD!
Uhh, I think this screwdriver's like broken or something.
Oh my God! Butt-Head, you gotta get Beavis to the hospital!
Don't worry, Beavis. It's not the first time you've screwed your hand.
Oh yeah! Ow!
[with parents and their newborn baby] He's so beautiful! What are you gonna name him?
Well, we've always liked the name, Theo-
I am Cornholio! You will name your baby, Bungholio! An albino? Hoolio, bunghholio! He will be an albino! [walks away as Butt-Head approaches] And a gringo.
Uh, are you gonna feed him with your boob? That would be cool.
Excuse me young brother, may we ask you a question?
Are you threatening me?! My bunghole will ask the questions! "Why do I not use T.P. for my pee-pee?"
The beloved always did like riddles.
You will belove my bunghole! For I am the great Cornholio! I need T.P. for my bunghole!
[See Beavis' screw wounds on his hands]
Look! His hands! He has the stigmata!
Stigmata-tata from Lake Titicaca!
[the boys continue eating at school until Mr. Van Driessen says food is not allowed in class]
Beavis, Butt-head, if it was up to me, you could eat in class, but the school board says you can't. M'kay?
We have to. We're eating at Burger World for a month so we can get famous.
Yeah, yeah. Like that Morgan Sherlock dude, you know what I'm saying?
Of course, you're taking on corporate America to expose a very important issue to your generation.
Uh, yeah.
This is great. I'm so proud of you boys.
So, does this mean that we can eat in class too?
No. Only Beavis and Butt-head can eat in class. They're engaged in an act of social protest, shining a light on the issue of teen obesity.
We're eating in front of you.
Yeah, you can't have any.
Now, it's so important that you get your message out. Martin, maybe you can be part of this. [Martin reaches for a burger] No, I meant film Beavis and Butt-head, and then post it online.
Yeah, make a movie about us.
The three of you can all use this as your semester service project. M'kay?
Yeah. Cool.
We didn't bring enough for everybody.
[as the Burger World headquarters watch Beavis and Butt-head's teen obesity video]
We ate a lot of Burger World food, and now we're fat.
No way. No one is gonna supersize us! These guys need to be stopped. Fire up the jet!
Boys, here's some gift cards to Taco Yummo. They have unlimited funds. That means it's all you can eat, forever- eh, at Taco Yummo. Not Burger World.
Cool. Now we'll score for sure.
Yeah!
[they slowly walk away]
Are you sure about this, sir? Those two can eat a lot.
Believe me, the cost is well worth it. Ugh, they're making me sick! Fire up the jet!
[both are incredibly overweight and devouring tacos]
I don't even understand what the problem is with teen obesity. This is great!
Yeah. Teen obesity kicks ass.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Beavis and Butt-Head pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
