The phone is ringing and I cannot linger. So look out butt, here comes my finger!
S5 E35Buttniks
I am Cornholio; I need T.P. for my bunghole. I want all your crappuccino!
Do it, brother Beavis!
Are you threatening me!? You do not want to face the wrath of my bunghole! My bunghole it goes bungo chungo rungo raaaaapapapapapapa! And one for you! Rrrrpagh!
There once was a man from Venus...who had a rocket-shaped, uh...wiener.
[Beavis and Butt-head walk until they see a woman stood outside a beatnik club]
Whoa, check it out.
Yeah.
FBFemale beatnik
"You touch me, I shiver
Your tongue, I quiver
My loins, my liver
I, the taker; you, the giver"
Whoa. I've got something to give her.
Yeah.
FBFemale beatnik
Did you like my poem?
Uh…your what?
Yeah, yeah! Your loins, your liver!
FBFemale beatnik
There's plenty more inside.
Cool.
OOmar
[on stage] "And then, my friend, you die. [louder] And then, my friend, you die, man! And then… [gasps] …my friend."
[scattered applause]
You die! Yeah.
OOmar
Thank you.
That was cool.
COCafe Owner
Thank you, Omar. Is there anyone who'd like to read now? Any new blood?
[to Beavis] Check this out. [to everyone] Uh…I got some rhymes for the house.
COCafe Owner
What's your name, young brother?
Uh…Butt-head.
COCafe Owner
Cool. Let's groove for a while with Butt-head.
Yeah.
[scattered applause]
Groove with me, people. [chuckles] This is gonna be cool.
[walks up to a male beatnik at a table] Um…I'm just gonna sit here, yeah.
Yeah, man, take a load off.
[chuckles] Take a load.
Check this out. Uh…there once was a man from Venus, with a rocket ship for a…a…wiener.
Yeah, yeah! [pounds table]
Uh…okay. Here's—
WWaiter
[to Beavis and male beatnik] Hi, what can I bring you guys?
Um…
[in background] Here I sit—
Uh, yeah, get me a triple amaretto cappuccino, low on the foam, a double shot, and bring the man here one, too, right?
The phone is ringing, and I cannot linger. So, look out, butt, here comes my finger. [audience groans] And then, my friend, you die.
Yeah, yeah! You die! [pounds table]
That was cool.
[waiter hands Beavis and male beatnik their drinks]
Um…um…
Try it, man, come on. It's—it's cappuccino.
[chuckles] Crappuccino? Crappuccino. [chuckles] Yeah. [takes a sip]
[in background] Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha.
Yeah, copasetic, dialectic.
Wahhh! Copasetic, copasetic! Gimme that. [snatches other drink and downs it]
[in background] This is a pee-pee—no.
WWaiter
Hi, more cappuccino?
I need crappuccino for my bunghole! Gimme that! [chittering; snatches coffee pot from waiter and drinks it all]
[in background] Uh, I'll tell that one later. [Beavis speaks gibberish] There once was a lady from China, with a popsicle in her—
COCafe owner
[pulls microphone away from Butt-head as the feedback whines] Thanks, thanks, kid. That was organic. Let's give someone else a shot at the mic.
[has his shirt over his head, jumps up from table; chittering] I am Cornholio! My bunghole will speak now! [runs into another table] Ah, hey. Are you threatening me? I must have more crappuccino for my bunghole. [snatches drink] Bungholio, bungholio. [slurping]
[onstage, gibbering incoherently] I am Cornholio! I need t.p. for my bunghole! I want all your crappuccino!
[sitting at table with male beatnik and another man] Do it, brother Beavis.
Are you threatening me?! You do not want to face the wrath of my bunghole. My bunghole, it goes bungo. Tungo, tungo, tungo. Tungo! Rap-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa. And one for you. Parrrrr! [gulps]
MMan
[to Butt-head] Hi, I run the multicultural poetry program at the university. Your friend is, uh, unusual. What is he? Hispanic? Russian?
Uh…yeah. He's Russian. [chuckles]
MMan
Uh…hmm. Amazing energy. I'd love to see his portfolio.
Portfolio? Holio, holio! Arriba, arriba, yeah. I come from Lake Titicaca.
Hey, man, you've been holding out on us. Where'd you get all those crazy rhymes?
Would you like to see my portfoilo? I have a portfolio in my bunghole with my oleo.
WWaiter
Wow, this is ground-breaking stuff, man.
[gibbering]
[groaning onstage, the caffeine having worn off, hits his head on the microphone; microphone feedback whinges] Hey, how's it going? Oh, yeah. Um, roses are—no. Um…heh. Oh, I know. Uh…here I sit, brokenhearted, I pay the quarter— You got a quarter?
MMan
Well, his fifteen minutes of fame are over. I guess nobody can keep up that kind of intensity.
Wait, I want more. Man, he's not done. [to waiter] Alphons, bring my boy another cappuccino, a quadruple.
Quarter, pay the dime…
[Waiter hands Beavis his drink]
Yeah, leave the pot.
Oh, thanks. Yeah. [slurps drink] Yep. [slurps from coffee pot] Mmm. [gibbering incoherently] Yeah! [pulls shirt over head] I am the great Cornholio! You have awaken my bunghole! And now you must pay! [chittering] The streets will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers! [chuckles] That would be cool. [gibbering]
S5 E36Bang The Drum Slowly, Dumbass
Being in the captivity of nature without women is the perfect way to wrestle with your manhood.
Beavis wrestles with his manhood.
Yeah, heh, I usually win.
[bangs the drum] This sucks. [bangs it again] Uh....this sucks. [bangs it some more] This sucks.
Now Beavis, try and get in touch with your inner male.
Heheh, no way! Not with a bunch of dudes watching!
[beats drum] Woah, that was pretty cool. [beats the drum and laughs, getting progressively faster]
Okay Beavis, now let that wild man within put his feelings into words.
Yeah, hehe, it's like, it's like, I wanna check out chicks' thingies! I wanna see their thingies! But they won't let me! And that just makes me wanna check them out even more!
ODOther dude 1
We feel your male pain.
I feel like I'm never gonna score! And chicks don't wanna talk to me! Like, I wanna go up and say ‘Hey baby how's it goin?' heh. And then just like, they just go away! And then they slap me!
ODOther dude 2
I can identify with that….I guess.
And sometimes I just wanna like, get a big bulldozer and I just wanna like, bulldoze the walls to the girls' locker room! That way I can see their boobs!
That would be cool.
It's like I know they're naked inside there, and I just can't stand it! And then, and then I wanna take the bulldozer and like, I wanna bulldoze the cafeteria too! And then the library! Destroy all the books! Eheheheheh, and then I wanna go to the principal's office, and bulldoze the principal's office too! EHEHEHEH!
ODOther dude 1
I think someone's inner warrior needs to go back to basic training...
Things will never turn out they way they-!
[interrupting] Maybe you need professional help, Beavis. [reaches over to get the drum back]
[beats his hand away] NEVER!
ODOther dude 3
Someone take that damn drum away from him!
ODOther dude 2
What the hell are you teaching these kids of yours anyway?
ODOther dude 1
You know, the guys at the gym were right, you ARE a pantywaist.
ODOther dude 3
And you said this was the way to recapture the spirit of Woodstock? Woodstock my ass!
[beating the drum each time he says it] Naked boobs, naked boobs, naked boobs!
[tired, some time at least a day later, when school is back in session and Mr. Van Driessen asks Butt-head where he is] I get the crane with the wrecking ball, and the bulldozer, one of those really nice shovels, and a backhoe and a forklift, a front end loader and a combine. and um...a getaway car and some rubbers. Only then will I score. Butt-head?
S5 E37Another Friday Night
Whoa, the cops are here. Maybe their gonna shoot somebody.
S5 E38Tired
GSGas station worker
Hey, you punks! Quit jumping on my bells, or I'll give you something to jump about.
Did he say "Quit jumping on my balls?"
QUIT JUMPING ON MY BALLS!
GSGas station worker
Look, I'll give you this bottle to break out back if stop distracting my customers.
[The two head to the back of the gas station to break the bottle, but they soon see a tyre]
Whoa! Check it out. That's the biggest tire I ever saw.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Beavis and Butt-Head pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.