Male beatnik quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

  [on stage]  "And then, my friend, you die.  [louder]  And then, my friend, you die, man!  And then… [gasps] …my friend."

Beavis

  You die!  Yeah.

  Thank you.

Butt-head

  That was cool.

  Thank you, Omar.  Is there anyone who'd like to read now?  Any new blood?

Butt-head

  [to Beavis]  Check this out.  [to everyone]  Uh…I got some rhymes for the house.

  What's your name, young brother?

Butt-head

  Uh…Butt-head.

  Cool.  Let's groove for a while with Butt-head.

Butt-head

  Yeah.

Butt-head

  Groove with me, people.  [chuckles]  This is gonna be cool.

Beavis

  [walks up to a male beatnik at a table]  Um…I'm just gonna sit here, yeah.

  Yeah, man, take a load off.

Beavis

  [chuckles]  Take a load.

Butt-head

  Check this out.  Uh…there once was a man from Venus, with a rocket ship for a…a…wiener.

Beavis

  Yeah, yeah!  [pounds table]

Butt-head

  Uh…okay.  Here's—

  [to Beavis and male beatnik]  Hi, what can I bring you guys?

Beavis

  Um…

Butt-head

  [in background]  Here I sit—

  Uh, yeah, get me a triple amaretto cappuccino, low on the foam, a double shot, and bring the man here one, too, right?

Butt-head

  The phone is ringing, and I cannot linger.  So, look out, butt, here comes my finger.  [audience groans]  And then, my friend, you die.

Beavis

  Yeah, yeah!  You die!  [pounds table]

Butt-head

  That was cool.

Beavis

  Um…um…

  Try it, man, come on.  It's—it's cappuccino.

Beavis

  [chuckles]  Crappuccino?  Crappuccino.  [chuckles]  Yeah.  [takes a sip]

Butt-head

  [in background]  Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha.

  Yeah, copasetic, dialectic.

Beavis

  Wahhh!  Copasetic, copasetic!  Gimme that.  [snatches other drink and downs it]

Butt-head

  [in background]  This is a pee-pee—no.

  Hi, more cappuccino?

Beavis

  I need crappuccino for my bunghole!  Gimme that!  [chittering; snatches coffee pot from waiter and drinks it all]

Butt-head

  [in background]  Uh, I'll tell that one later.  [Beavis speaks gibberish]  There once was a lady from China, with a popsicle in her—

  [pulls microphone away from Butt-head as the feedback whines]  Thanks, thanks, kid.  That was organic.  Let's give someone else a shot at the mic.

Beavis

  [has his shirt over his head, jumps up from table; chittering] I am Cornholio!  My bunghole will speak now!  [runs into another table]  Ah, hey.  Are you threatening me?  I must have more crappuccino for my bunghole.  [snatches drink]  Bungholio, bungholio.  [slurping]

Beavis

  [onstage, gibbering incoherently]  I am Cornholio!  I need t.p. for my bunghole!  I want all your crappuccino!

Butt-head

  [sitting at table with male beatnik and another man]  Do it, brother Beavis.

Beavis

  Are you threatening me?!  You do not want to face the wrath of my bunghole.  My bunghole, it goes bungo.  Tungo, tungo, tungo.  Tungo!  Rap-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.  And one for you.  Parrrrr!  [gulps]

  [to Butt-head]  Hi, I run the multicultural poetry program at the university.  Your friend is, uh, unusual.  What is he?  Hispanic?  Russian?

Butt-head

  Uh…yeah.  He's Russian.  [chuckles]

  Uh…hmm.  Amazing energy.  I'd love to see his portfolio.

Beavis

  Portfolio?  Holio, holio!  Arriba, arriba, yeah.  I come from Lake Titicaca.

  Hey, man, you've been holding out on us.  Where'd you get all those crazy rhymes?

Beavis

  Would you like to see my portfoilo?  I have a portfolio in my bunghole with my oleo.

  Wow, this is ground-breaking stuff, man.

Beavis

  [gibbering]

Beavis

  [groaning onstage, the caffeine having worn off, hits his head on the microphone; microphone feedback whinges]  Hey, how's it going?  Oh, yeah.  Um, roses are—no.  Um…heh.  Oh, I know.  Uh…here I sit, brokenhearted, I pay the quarter—  You got a quarter?

  Well, his fifteen minutes of fame are over.  I guess nobody can keep up that kind of intensity.

  Wait, I want more.  Man, he's not done.  [to waiter]  Alphons, bring my boy another cappuccino, a quadruple.

Beavis

  Quarter, pay the dime…

  Yeah, leave the pot.

Beavis

  Oh, thanks.  Yeah.  [slurps drink]  Yep.  [slurps from coffee pot]  Mmm.  [gibbering incoherently]  Yeah!  [pulls shirt over head]  I am the great Cornholio!  You have awaken my bunghole!  And now you must pay!  [chittering]  The streets will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers!  [chuckles]  That would be cool.  [gibbering]