What's up with you, Beavis? You look like you're pregnant.
AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
S5 E29Pregnant Pause
The chick said it changes colour if your pregnant so, [reads French instructions] Esay la Peesee la Pregwa... Okay [tries sticking the test tube in his belly button] Maybe it goes in here...
[afterwards]
[mutters] It better not change color. [whizzes in pregnancy test tube] It turned yellow! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
WOWoman On TV
It couldn't be morning sickness. What about these cravings? Oh my God! I better NOT be PREGNANT!! Jake! Get me some nachos!
S5 E30Here Comes The Bride's Butt
I just realized something. Being married would suck. You'd just hang around with the same person all the time, and say all the same dumb stuff over and over again. That would suck.
Heh, yeah.
[to his wife] Hold my hand, honeybunch.
[to Beavis] Pull my finger, buttmunch.
This music sucks!
Yeah... I wonder when the bride chick's gonna be here...
S5 E31Screamers
Screaming rules!
[Tom Anderson has dialed for Police.]
AMr.Anderson
Hello police. This here is Tom Anderson, 4120 Woodgrove Court. There's two hoodlums that came by my doorstep and started screaming bloody murder. Hell, I don't know if they're armed.
[The cop has just descovered Beavis and Butt-head screaming in front of him
CCop
Alright you little punks, I got ya.
[Beavis and Butt-head screams as he grabs the two by their necks.]
CCop
Go ahead and scream all you want. Do you like this? Do you like hearing people SCREAMING? :(continues screaming in Beavis and Butt-head's ear) NOW DAMN IT. THE LAST THING I NEED TO DEAL WITH IS A COUPLE OF NOISE VANDALS LIKE YOU. YOU SEE WHEN I HEAR PEOPLE SCREAMING, IT USUALLY MEANS THERE'S TROUBLE. But if not, It's just like the little brat who cried wolf and someday when there really is trouble, I'M NOT GONNA HELP YOU!!!
[Let's go Beavis and Butthead]
CCop
Now if there's trouble, all you have to do is call. Here's my number. And if you want to scream, you can scream all you want inside your own home. (Turn's red face and screams in the duo's ears) JUST DON'T DO IT OUT HERE!!!!!!!
[Beavis and Butt-head continue screaming outside awakening two neighbors, who think the other is screaming]
MMan
Shut the hell up; my kids are trying to sleep.
WWoman
Why the hell you stop screaming? You're not helping.
MMan
Oh, yeah! Why don't you scream the hell of it?
WWoman
Oh, yeah! How would you like me to kick your ass?
S5 E32Beavis, Can You Spare A Dime?
BBum
What's the best city in the world? Generocity!
S5 E34Oil Change
GSGas station worker
Oh, Burger World, huh? I tried to get a job there once.
[Beavis and Butt-head walk up to a mechanic at an auto shop]
Uh…we need to change the oil.
Yeah, if you could just change it while we wait, that would be fine.
MMechanic
Okay, pull your car in.
Uh, car?
Yeah, what do we need a car for?
MMechanic
Well, how the hell am I supposed to change the oil if you don't have a car?
S5 E35Buttniks
FBFemale beatnik
"Your touch, I shiver
Your tongue, I quiver
My loins, my liver
I, the taker; you, the giver"
Do you like my poem?
Err...
Yeah! Your loins, your liver!
FBFemale beatnik
There's plenty more inside.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Beavis and Butt-Head pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.