[as Beavis and Butt-head watch a sad student get hugged by a girl]
What's she doing that for?
Uh, I think maybe chicks like guys who have like, emotions and stuff.
I have emotions. Like when I eat french fries, I have the emotion of like, "these french fries taste really good," you know?
Uhh, I think they have to be like, sad emotions.
Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, that's how they get you. Always something.
Wait a second, Beavis. We should like, start being all sad. Then chicks will like us, and then we'll score.
Yeah, that's a great idea, Butt-head! Yes! I think we're finally gonna score- [Butt-head slaps him] Ah!
Quit being happy, dumbass! You're gonna ruin it.
Oh yeah yeah yeah, sorry about that. Won't happen again.
[as Beavis, infected with rabies, drools on the couch]
Dammit, Beavis, you're getting your gross drool on my side of the couch now.
Shut up, dumbass. [slaps Beavis, only to immediately be tackled, scratched, and attacked by Beavis; he manages to get away] Beavis, I'm just gonna go ahead and kick your ass some other time-
AHHHHH!!! [Butt-head screams and runs away]
So yeah, God. That's what's going on with me. Also I can't see very good, and my pee is red. So um, what did I wanna ask you again? Um... it was um, oh yeah, yeah, um, can you like, make my nads bigger? Yeah, that would be cool.
HHallucination
Beavis, I am not God. I am a fever-induced hallucaination. You have rabies.
Uh huh. Now that's cool and everything, God, but my nads, yeah, can you make 'em bigger?
HHallucination
Beavis, your nads are perfect just the way they are. And I am not God.
Whoa, really? Wow, wow. Thanks God. I guess you're right! My body is pretty cool, you know, just the way it is. I don't know what I was so worried about, you know.
[as Beavis enters the house with a really bad sunburn on his back]
Whoa! That's like, the worst sunburn I ever saw.
I know. It like, hurts and stuff.
I'm sorry, Beavis. That must be very painful. [pokes the sunburn]
AHHHHH! Come on, don't touch my sunburn please.
Uhhh, okay. [slaps his sunburn]
I didn't touch it, I slapped it.
Damn it, Butt-head, cut it out!
Uhh, alright. [begins making buzzing sounds] Oh no, it's a mosquito.
It landed on you, Beavis.
Oh really? Could you like slap it or something? 'Cause I don't want it to bite me on my sunbur- [realizes] uh, wait NO! [is slapped by Butt-head] AHHHHHHH!!!!!
[Beavis enters a hardware store and approaches a paint associate]
I was told someone in here could do a job for me.
AAssociate
Maybe. What kind of job we talking about?
[hands him a picture] Here's a picture. It's from Butt-head's uncle's house.
AAssociate
Oh yeah. This really needs it.
Yeah, yeah, I know! He slapped my sunburn and stuff.
AAssociate
Wow, now no offense, but you should have taken care of this years ago.
Yeah really, yeah! No kidding.
AAssociate
You know how many square feet we're talking?
I don't know, he's got like, two, you know. They're just like, normal foot shape. I don't know what you're...
AAssociate
2000? That's about right. Okay. Yeah, I can be there at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow. The whole thing'll take about four days.
Yeah, good! Yeah. I want it to be slow, yeah.
AAssociate
Oh, almost forgot. What color?
Uh, I don't know. I guess, um, I guess white, or something?
AAssociate
Let me text my guys.
I'm not racist, I just wanna kill my friend. Jesus Christ.
[when Beavis and Butt-head crawl out of their box into a landfill]
Whoa! Florida is even cooler than I thought.
Yeah. Feels really good to be on the beach, you know? Boy, the ocean really smells terrible, doesn't it?
It's all the dumbass fish.
So um, where are all the chicks, Butt-head?
Uh, I think they all sleep late 'cause they're tired from scoring all night.
Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, right.
Well, when they wake up, they're gonna wanna see a gun show, so let's get down to it.
[they take their shirts off]
Here we go! Come and get it. I'm just gonna lay down here and catch me some rays. [lays down] Oh yeah, this is the life- Ow! Ah! I got like a nail in my back!
This place just gets cooler and cooler.
[as Butt-head trains him] Butt-head, I still can't figure out why you're having me buy all these nachos.
Uh, that's okay. I can't eat anymore. Okay, let's see what you've learned.
[they move to the gym floor]
Lesson one. [punches Beavis in the face]
You dumbass, you gotta hold your hands up to protect your face. Come on!
Oh yeah yeah, yeah, like I'm paying for nachos, yeah. [holds his hands up]
Good. [kicks him in the testicles]
You didn't learn anything.
DDoctor
So, you're interested in getting vasectomies?
Yeah, I mean, you know, we wanna score, you know?
DDoctor
Well, let me walk you through the procedure. [grabs a diagram model of the male reproductive system] Your body generates sperm... [Beavis and Butt-head chortle] ... right here, in the testicles. [Beavis and Butt-head chortle more] Which are located here in the scrotum. [Beavis and Butt-head chortle more] It then travels through the vas deferens...
DDoctor
... on its way to the penis. [Beavis and Butt-head chortle again] And then through the urethra.
DDoctor
That's in the course of a normal ejeculation. [Butt-head chortles]
That's like... [leans in and whispers to Beavis]
Ooooh! [they both chortle] Ejeculation.
DDoctor
The procedure is simply to cut and seal the vas deferens right here, and then you should be able to return to your current level of sexual activity.
DDoctor
If you'd like, we can schedule your procedures for Monday. Any questions?
Yeah, yeah, um, do you have one of those, but it's like, a chick? You know what I'm saying?
Whoa! Now this guy is cool!
[as Beavis and Butt-head try to enter a bar]
Now hold on there, boys, this here's the Legion Hall, and we're having a special get-together for Flag Day. Service members only.
Yeah, yeah, we're from America.
Well, I'm glad to hear it, but I'm talking about people who laid it all on the line for this great country. Were you in the service?
Uhhh... yeah. We did like, service.
Thank you, drive through. Would you like the combo for a dollar more?
You boys wore the uniform?
Yeah, we had to wear a uniform. There was a hat and everything, yeah.
Uh, it was like, a long time ago, but I remember that the training sucked, and it was always hot, and you never knew when a bunch of guys would be all on your ass.
Yeah, and there was one time when the shake machine-
Enough said, boys. Save the war stories for your fellow servicemen. Come on in, and enjoy the company.
Say, have you all met Belvis and Bunhowzen here? They served in, uh... I guess it'd be the Desert Storm.
Yeah, like I was saying, there's that one time when the shake machine-
Did Gilmore tell you the story about how he captured that there flag in Vietnam?
GGillmore
Well, we see roofing it through that godforsaken jungle, when all of a sudden the commies opened fire.
Fire! FIRE!!! Yeah, FIRE!
VVeteran
You're still feeling it, ain't ya?
Yeah. He feels it all the time.
YVYoung Veteran
I got a buddy who was in Desert Storm. What battalion were you in?
YVYoung Veteran
I said, what battalion were you in?
What's your battalion number, boys?
Uh, 69. [he and Beavis chuckle]
GGillmore
The Fighting 69th! You guys are they're real deal.
VVeteran
Must have seen a lot of action.
Well, when you're in the 69, you're gonna get plenty of action when it's going down.
[Beavis and Butt-head chortle uncontrollably]
GGillmore
They could lick anybody!
[they chortle even more]
VVeteran
I heard in Iraq, the 69 saw action from both sides at once.
Yeah, yeah, that's why they call it that! Yeah yeah, here, I'll draw you a picture. Butt-head explained it to me once. See, the bottom of the six is the butt, and then the nine is like, the nads or something. I don't know.
