[as Beavis and Butt-head wake up in the sewer]
Uhh, wait a second. Here's some words. [they approach a sign that reads "Department of Sanitation"] Uh... De... De-deb... Deborah-ment...
Saint... boobs or something...
Beavis, this is the apartment of Satan! Do you know what this means?
We have died, and this... is Hell.
[both begin headbanging and singing the melody of "Electric Funeral"]
[taking Beavis to the hospital] Uh, Beavis really hurt his testicoils or something, and I think he needs some pills, like, stat or something.
FDFront Desk Attendant
We'll have a doctor take a look. Has he been in pain long?
Uh, not really. Maybe a week? [Beavis passes out]
FDFront Desk Attendant
Oh my gosh! What happened?
Uh, we don't really know.
[Ten Days Earlier]
Hey,Butt-head, check this out. [throws his slurpee on top of a convenience store]
That was cool, Beavis! Take a bow.
I said take a bow. [smacks Beavis's groin]
Ahhh! See that's cool, 'cause you were like, "Take a bow," and then you hit me in the nads, and then I had to bend over like I'm bowing, yeah.
That's right, Beavis. You figured it out. Take a bow. [hits him again]
Ahh! Oh yeah yeah yeah, I get it now...
Well, you're a good sport for playing.
Take a bow. [begins hitting him repeatedly in the groin, causing extreme pain for Beavis]
[Back in present day]
[as Beavis awakens in the hospital] You're awake. Good job.
[covering his groin] No no! [nothing happens] No, wait... aren't you gonna smack my nads?
Not until you're better, Beavis.
Oh, okay, cool. Thanks, yeah...
Not yet. I think they're like, giving me fluids...
OPOther Patient
Keep it down, I'm trying to sleep!
Shut up, buttmunch. This guy's balls are all messed up. If this wasn't a hospital, I'd make you take a bow.
Um, Butt-head, I was wondering like, do you think it would cool to do it with an octopus?
Yeah yeah, me neither. I don't know why I said that. That's weird.
Uh, Beavis... I'd probably laugh about it eventually, but it would have sucked if I killed you by hitting your nuts.
VDVan Driesen
George Washington and the founding fathers were farmers, m'kay? And the main crop they grew was tobacco.
Whoa! You can grow cigarettes?
VDVan Driesen
Well, no, but you can grow tobacco, m'kay?
[amazed] You can grow tobacco...
VDVan Driesen
Yes, tobacco is a plant. It grows from seeds like any other plant.
Whoa! Cigarette seeds! That's cool.
VDVan Driesen
[sighs] Guys, it's April. We're supposed so be up to the Vietnam War. Now, as I was saying, tobacco was America's first cash crop.
Yeah yeah, get cash and money!
Beavis, we've heard enough. Let's grow tobacco, and get cash money like that dumbass, George Washington.
[as Beavis and Butt-head pick up cigarette butts]
OMOld Man
It's good to see two young people cleaning up all the litter around here. There's a receptacle right over there, boys. [points to a cigarette disposal can]
Whoa! Cool. We're gonna be rich! [they begin stuffing their pockets with cigarette butts]
I can't believe these dumbasses just left these around and didn't know they were seeds. They really suck at farming.
Beavis, everybody sucks at everything.
You know, I wonder if George Washington ever scored.
Of course he scored, dumbass. He's rich, and he's got his own cigarette trees. You should think before you open your mouth once in a while. [Beavis eats a cigarette butt] Dammit, stop eating the seeds.
Sorry, it's like, I ate one, and now it's like, I just can't stop, you know? It's like I'm addicted to seeds, you know what I'm saying?
[after they've destroyed a community garden, and emptied their trash can of cigarette butts]
So um, when will they be ready?
Patience, Beavis. The cigarette tree takes many seasons to grow. [Beavis eats another cigarette butt] Uh, how many of those did you eat?
I don't know. Probably like 80. [eats another one]
Dammit, Beavis, each one of those was gonna be a whole cigarette tree. You ate like 80 trees.
Sorry, sorry. Just one more to help me relax. [eats more cigarette butts] I'll stop tomorrow.
Dammit, Beavis, now we gotta go find more seeds, or we're not gonna get rich enough.
Oh yeah yeah. Good idea. I'm like, craving finding more seeds.
[after getting beat up by the community gardeners]
That old lady kicked my ass so hard, the doctor said I have a tumor on my tongue. And it increased my risk of heart disease.
And also like, a low fetal birth weight or something. I don't know.
Well we certainly learned a lesson today.
The reason George Washington is dead is some old ladies kicked his ass and gave him cancer.
And that's why we're the greatest country on Earth.
[as their car gets towed] Uh, what's the problem, officer?
PPolice Officer
Well, your car's impounded. You have over $500 in unpaid parking tickets.
In our defense, officer, parking sucks.
Okay Beavis, we need to find where they give you your license back. [they look at a long line for a driver's license] Uh, that line sucks.
[they look at a long line for a firearms license] Yeah, that's gonna take forever.
[they see no line at the office for a marriage license] There's no line at that one.
[they enter the office]
JJanice
Well congratulations! And how's your day going so far?
Yeah, we just wanted to go to Burger World, but then our neighbor yelled at us, and called us creeps. And then this cop was like, "You and your kind need to get off the streets."
JJanice
Oh, you poor, sweet, beautiful men. How can people be so cruel?
I know. We're just like, two guys trying to live our lives.
Yeah, but sometimes, it just feels like the whole world is against us. You know what I'm saying?
JJanice
Well I just know there's gonna be a lot of broken hearts when a couple of hot bachelors like you go off the market.
Uh, did you just call us hot bachelors?
JJanice
Yes sir, I did, and you are, but not for long! How does getting married sound?
Whoa! Uh, you wanna marry us?
JJanice
Yes I do, if you're ready.
Uh, excuse me, ma'am. I need to talk to Beavis for a second. [they leave the counter]
Don't you see what's happening here, Beavis? She wants a three-way with us!
Yeah. But she's like, old-fashioned, so we have to get married to her first.
Is that legal for her to have, like, two husbands?
Who cares, Beavis? By the time they arrest us, we'll have already scored.
Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, I'd go to jail for that, yeah. Boi-oi-oi-oing! [they return to the counter] We're ready to get married.
This is the happiest day of my life.
You know, I always thought being married was gonna be weird, but it's not bad.
You know, Beavis, we should have gotten married years ago.
NNeighbor
Wait, you guys are married?
Yep. It just happened like, all of a sudden.
Yeah, we were down at the courthouse, you know, and one thing led to another.
