Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

Getting kicked in the nads by a cow sucks!

Butt-head

Uh, That's not a real cow, dude. That's like a deer.

Beavis

How did you know?

Beavis

Heh heh, hey Butt-head, squeeze my finger.

Butt-head

Which one, Beavis? The finger by your butt?

Beavis

Heh, yeah! Pull that one.

Butt-head

[sings] Old MacDonald had a farm, E...uhh, I? Z? Is there, like, a Q in there?

Beavis

Yeah, heh heh, [sings] E-I-Q...uhh, Z...M.

Butt-head

Hey Beavis. I heard if you tip a cow over while it's sleeping, cool stuff happens.

Beavis

Really? Like what?

Butt-head

Uh...it falls over?

Beavis

Cool! We're there, dude!

Buzzcut

[teaching Beavis and Butt-head how to urinate after they forget how] Okay boys! I'm gonna make this easy! On the count of one, unzip your pants! And one, unzip your pants! [Beavis and Butt-head laugh] On the count of two, take out your penises!

Beavis

Two's my favorite, heh heh.

Buzzcut

And two! On the count of three, start leaking! Three, let's go! LEAK, LEAK, LEAK, LEAK, LEAK!

Butt-head

Huh huh huh.

Buzzcut

Okay, you wussies. You're gonna stand right there until you can get it right. And don't come out until you're done. [Buzzcut leaves]

Now, just relax. Clear your mind of any thoughts.

Beavis

What is that? Huh huh huh.

Close your eyes, and imagine you're floating on a river. Let the water take you wherever it wants to. Just relax and go with the flow.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head. I can feel it.

Butt-head

Yeah. Huh huh. Me too.

Butt-head

Huh huh huh. And the water's warm. Huh huh huh. Huh huh huh.

Okay, not here. Stop-stop-stop it! Stop urinating! STOP URINATING!

Butt-head

I forgot how to stop. [A line of wetness moves up Butt-head's shirt]

Beavis

Yeah, heh heh. Just relax. Go with the flow.

Butt-head

Huh huh. Urinating's cool.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head. Do dogs urinate? Heh heh heh.

Butt-head

Beavis, you dillweed. Of course they urinate. Why do you think they lift their leg? Huh huh huh.

Butt-head

Woah, check it out.

Beavis

Heh, yeah. Stupid dog.

Butt-head

Uh, I heard if you like, don't act scared, they won't attack you.

Beavis

Heh, how do you do that?

Butt-head

Huh huh, you wanna touch his bone?

Beavis

Yeah, heh, touch it.

Buzzcut

Listen up, morons. Some short-sighted federal appeals judge says I can't use this on you. [pats batton] But remember this: In this classroomm, I am the judge, the jury and the jailer!

Butt-head

[to Beavis] Does it hurt when I do this? [pokes the bite with the pointy end of a compass]

Beavis

OOOOW!

Butt-head

Huh, that was cool.

Buzzcut

Do you gentlemen have a problem? Do you wish to enlighten the class as to what is festering on your leg, Beavis?

Beavis

Heh, dog bite.

Buzzcut

Well. I thought you looked rabid, boy. Now listen close. Get the hell out of my classroom before you infect anyone else with your sickness! You stink of death! Butt-head! This man requires immediate medical attention!

Butt-head

...uh....

Buzzcut

HOSPITAL, Butt-head! On the double!

Butt-head

Yessss!

Can I help you?

Butt-head

Uh, he's got like, rabies or something.

I see. What's your name?

Butt-head

Uh, last name is 'Munch'. First name is 'Rodney'.

Beavis

Yeah, heh heh, yeah. Rod Munch.

So Rod, I understand you got bit by a dog. Well, don't be scared, cause look: a dog bit my thumb off once too, Rod. [does trick that makes it look like he's taking his thumb off]

Butt-head

Uh huh huh. You're stupid.

Beavis

Heh, yeah.

Now Rod, I don't suppose you brought the animal with you?

Butt-head

Uh, no. He wasn't like, very friendly.

Beavis

Yeah, heh, he doesn't like me.

Well, we'll have to find him anyway. In a suspected case of rabies, the animal has to be destroyed, of course. And to check for presence of the disease, he cut off the head and disect the brain.

Butt-head

Woah. That's cool.

Actually, yes. It is kind of cool.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Come on, Butt-head, let's go find that dog.

Not so fast, Rod. Let's talk about your symptoms first. Any dizziness? Nausea? Fever? Any convulsions?

Beavis

Yeah. Heh, uh, no more than usual though.

Hmm, so far nothing checks out. Maybe you were lucky.

Butt-head

Uh, you mean like, no decrapitation?

Beavis

I've got it, I've got rabies!

...okay. I'll call the police and let them know about the dog. But first, we better start treatment.

Butt-head

Does he have to get a shot?

No.

Beavis

Cool.

You have to get 18 of them, Rod.

Butt-head

Yes!

In the stomach.

Butt-head

Cool!

Beavis

....this sucks.

The good news about rabies is that treating it no longer means a series of painful injections into the solar plexus. New vaccines require only 5 simple shots in the arm.

Butt-head

Hey Beavis. How come that stupid doctor didn't know that?

Beavis

Maybe he doesn't watch TV.

How about your parents? Your mother, for example. How do you feel about your mother?

Beavis

Um, like this...(gesturing the shape of his mother's body) Yeah. Heh-heh. Kinda like this...(continuing to gesture).

Butt-head

That's not how I feel your mother.

Beavis

Shut up, fartknocker!

Beavis

I got the last grape! [takes the last grape sucker]

Butt-head

No way, Beavis! I saw it first!

Beavis

[Spits on the sucker] My germs!

Butt-head

[slaps Beavis, causing him to scream] No way! [gets kicked in the groin, followed by the head] Uuh! [gets tackled by Beavis] Aah!

Beavis

[continues screaming] Butthole!

Beavis

[while they're on the couch, in a somewhat suggestive position] No way! Come on, Butt-head! I always get the grape!

Butt-head

It's not gonna taste like grape, when it's up your butt!

[holds up a picture--merely a random pattern] What do you see in this picture?

Butt-head

It's this dude, and he's like "auditioning his finger puppets". Huh huh.

Beavis

Yeah. Yeah. He's "shining his helmet".

I see. And what do you see here? [holds up another picture of random shapes]

Butt-head

Whoa... He's really corralling the tadpole.

Beavis

Yeah. Yeah. He's really peelin some chilis.

I see. What about this one? [holds up another picture of no particular shape]

Butt-head

Woah... Leave a little for next time, dude!

Beavis

Yeah. Yeah. He's really, like, having a tug-of-war with Cyclops!

I see.

Butt-head

[takes the picture and looks at it] Paper or plastic, sir?

Butt-head

Huhuh...he's masturbating.

And how about this last drawing? [shows a picture of a Julio Iglesias-like singer holding his microphone pole between his legs in a suggestive manner]

Butt-head

Uhh...that's, like, just a bunch of weird shapes.

Fascinating. [calls for Principal McVicker via intercom] Principal McVicker, could you come in here? We've got big problems.