BeavisSo like, do those pills like, make you feel different or something?
Uhh, no. But thank you for asking.
Beavis
Oh uh, yeah, okay yeah. God bless you, or... I don't know. This show sucks.
I guess it does, but other people probably enjoy it. Nothing wrong with that.
Beavis
Oh, uh... okay. I guess that's true. But it does kinda suck, Butt-head.
[handing Beavis the remote] We can watch what you want, Beavis. Anything you wanna do is fine.
Beavis
[changes the channel] This is pretty cool. Yeah. This is better.
Well, I'm glad you're enjoying it, Beavis. I like when you enjoy yourself.
Okay, everyone please focus, m'kay? Class is almost over and I'm just trying to squeeze in Uranus.
Beavis
[chuckling hard, but notices Butt-head isn't laughing] Uh, Butt-head?
Beavis
Van Driessen, he kind of said, "I just wanna squeeze in-"
Beavis, Mr. Van Driessen is trying hard to squeeze in Uranus, okay?
Beavis
Yeah, yeah exactly-
Let's try to give him our attention.
Beavis
Yeah, but...
[writing notes] Ah, I'm glad I brought a nice, sharp pencil for Uranus.
Beavis
Come on, Butt-head, what's going on?
Nothing, Beavis. This is the perfect pencil for Uranus.
Old Beavis
Um, Butt-head, we're out of beers, Butt-head.
Uh, well go get some more, dumbass.
Old Beavis
I'm out of money.
So go give some more blood.
Old Beavis
Um, I went twice already this morning. They won't take my blood anymore, because they said it's too watery. Then I passed out, and some guy stole my cookie. I guess we need to like, get jobs or something.
Being unemployed is our job, dumbass. They send us money.
Old Beavis
Okay, time to get your self-steam. Time to meet the dillhole who can't take care of himself. Wonder what he looks like. Here we go. [Knocks on door only to be greeted by Butt-head]
Uh, what are you knocking for, dumbass? I thought you were the butthole the government sent.
Old Beavis
What butthole?
The social worker called and asked if I needed help, 'cause the neighbors complained.
Old Beavis
Whoa, really?
I pretended I was a fat dumbass who never gets off his couch, and he believed me.
Old Beavis
Is that part of my job?
Old Beavis
[sigh] Okay, Butt-head.
Old Beavis
I'm not gonna call you Mr. Butt-head, Butt-head.
I don't wanna have to report you, Beavis. Want me to get you fired?
Old Beavis
Well, um, no, Mr. Butt-head.
If I get you fired, then we don't have any money. I'm doing this for us.
Old Beavis
Dammit... self-steam sucks.
KSKiosk Salesman
[to a passerby] This is our most advanced VR glasses yet with almost no latency. Try them on, and you truly feel like you're going inside the video game.
Whoa! Did you hear that, Beavis?
Beavis
Oh yeah yeah, he said "feel like you're going inside."
Uh, no, dumbass. He said those glasses make you feel like you're going inside a video game. Let's try 'em, Beavis.
Beavis
I've always wanted to like, go inside a video game and eat some coins, and kick Luigi in the nads. Yeah. That would be cool.
Beavis
Butt-head? What are we supposed to do in this game?
You dumbass, don't you know anything about video games? We're supposed to like, go find some weapons, and then at the end of the level, we kill a boss.
Beavis
Oh, yeah yeah.
I think we need to like, talk to some NPCs. [they approach a tea salesman]
TSTea Salesman
Hi, would you like to try our blueberry mint tea?
No. Can you like, give us a mission?
Beavis
Yeah, because we just started this game, and we need like, a flamethrower or something.
We need a mission, dumbass! Is there like, someone we can kill, and then you'll give us a sword, or something?
TSTea Salesman
Can you guys go do this somewhere else? You can't just come up to people trying to-
Is there like, a button to press so we can skip him talking?
TSTea Salesman
You can't just come up to people trying to do their job and just start saying weird-
Beavis
Hey, come on! Skip! Skip! It's not working, Butt-head.
TSTea Salesman
I don't wanna have to call security, that's not what I'm about, you know, man?
Beavis
Skip! Come on, skip! This interaction sucks.
Let's go find a flamethrower so we can come back and blow him up.
Beavis
[mockingly] "I don't wanna have to call security, that's not what I'm about. Bleh bleh."
[walking home] So like, uh, what should we do when we get home?
Beavis
Let me see, um, hey let's watch TV!
Uh, oh yeah! That's a good idea. This is gonna be cool. [approaches the door, only to find it locked]
Beavis
Yeah, yeah. TV!
Beavis
Why not?
Beavis
Uh, oh! Maybe it's because I locked it.
Damn it, Beavis, why did you do that?
Beavis
Well I watched a movie about a ghost, and I got scared.
Beavis
It's called Ghost. Yeah. Really scary.
Beavis
No.
So how are we supposed to get in?
Beavis
I figured we could just knock. You know, one of us is usually there, you know?
Uhh, we're both out here, Beavis.
Beavis
Ohhh, yeah yeah. I'll be damned.
Beavis, it's been two days. I've peed 31 times.
Old Beavis
Yeah, well, I tricked you, butthole! Now I'll never have to pee, because when you were asleep, I put a chip clip on my wiener. I win! I finally beat you at something. Yeah! [both of his kidneys burst] AAAAAH!!! Ah, my kidneys!
DDoctor
What's your pain level on a scale of one to ten?
Old Beavis
[weakly] Sixty... nine... [Beavis and Butt-head chortle]
DDoctor
That's very high. If we can't find a kidney donor match for him soon, we're going to have to send him to hospice. [Beavis tries to get her attention] Yes?
Old Beavis
[weakly] Y- you said "piss." [more chortling]
DDoctor
That's right buddy, I did. Hang in there.
MDMale Doctor
We found a match! There's only one in the entire state, and by God, we found him!
FDFemale Doctor
Is he willing to donate?
MDMale Doctor
He drove himself two hours to get here, and he says he wants to help Mr. Beavis any way he can. In fact, he says he knows the both of you.
[Stewart appears]
Hey guys! It's me, Stewart! Remember me?
Stewart, your best buddy from high school!
Ha, you guys. The three amigos are back.
Old Beavis
Jesus Christ, Stewart, not now. I'm waiting for some guy both of us know to give me a kidney.
FDFemale Doctor
N-no, this is your donor.
A part of Stewart's going inside you.
Old Beavis
Oh no...
Yeah, the American pesticides don't work anymore, because of the goddamn hippie environmentalists, so I drove down to Mexico and got some good, old fashioned DDT. It's getting so Mexico is the only place you can be an American anymore. Yeah, just don't touch it now, it's real poisonous. [leaves]
Beavis
What is that stuff?
Uh, well let's see. That says something in Spanish, uh, and that's a fly. Whoa! Spanish, fly. This is Spanish fly!
Beavis
Ummm, what's that?
That's like, a after-disiac. It like, makes people who drink it wanna score.
Beavis
Yeah but, but I already wanna score.
So do I, Beavis, but wouldn't it be a better world if everyone was like us?
Beavis
Oh, yeah yeah. Then everyone would be scoring all the time! Yeah.
Beavis, we could make the world a better place.
Just look at all those people, Beavis. They have no idea that tonight, they shall score. This is the most nicest thing we have ever done.
Beavis
I don't even need anyone to thank us, yeah. Just feels good to do it, you know?
That's right, Beavis. Everyone having sex with each other right here in the gym will be its own reward.
Beavis
Yeah yeah, this is the true meaning of Christmas.
LJLead Juror
Okay, the evidence is pretty overwhelming. It clearly shows the defendant robbed a Maxi Mart at gunpoint, threw a keg of beer through the front window, and got away with $600, and five cartons of cigarettes.
Whoa. That guy sounds pretty cool. I wanna meet him.
Old Beavis
Yeah, really. Yeah, they should have brought him to this trial. Wouldn't have been so boring.
FJFemale Juror
He... was at the trial. He was sitting at the table the whole time.
Old Beavis
You mean that guy in the black dress?
That old wuss robbed a store?
MJMale Juror
No, that's the judge. The defendant robbed the store.
Oh. Well the defendant kicks ass.
[after Beavis and Butt-head vote "not guilty"]
LJLead Juror
What do you mean he's not guilty?
Uh, I'm gonna like, vote for him, 'cause he's like, cool.
Old Beavis
Yeah, yeah, 'cause he did all those cool crimes. You guys saw it.
LJLead Juror
So, you believe he did the crimes.
Old Beavis
Oh yeah yeah.
LJLead Juror
So then, that means he's guilty.
That's your opinion, ma'am.
LJLead Juror
Wh-what are you saying?
Uh, what I'm saying is this guy's cool. He did kick-ass crimes.
Old Beavis
Yeah, he was brave. I'd like to see any of you try those cool crimes.
LJLead Juror
But that's what the word "guilty" means. He did the crimes. So both of you are voting "guilty," right?
Old Beavis
Boy, Butt-head, this lady just doesn't get it. Wow.
Yeah. I guess we're gonna be here a while.
Beavis and Butt-Head · 2,204 quotes