Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

He said "power drain." Heh-heh-heh...

Butt-head

Uh, that's not funny. This really isn't working out, Hamid.

Yes, but I am trying.

Beavis

Yeah, I understand your frustration.

Butt-head

Whoa! Are these video games?

Beavis

Cool! Me first! Me first!

Butt-head

[reading the "Drone Control" sign] Drain central? This must be the bathroom.

Beavis

Oh, yeah, yeah. Heh. You know, see, that makes more sense than calling it a bathroom, because that's where you go to drain your lizard. You know what I'm saying? Drain central.

Butt-head

Whoa! Are these video games?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool! Me first! I hope this game is unrated. That would be cool. [the sound beeps] Well, check it out. I think this is Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, but with airplanes.

Butt-head

Cool.

Beavis

Where are the prostitutes?

Butt-head

Uh, I think you need to find San Andreas first.

Beavis

Oh, yeah. Here we go. I'm gonna shoot some prostitutes.

Beavis

Hey, whoa! Check it out. Are those prostitutes? I think they have fur coats on. [flies the drone close to a herd of sheep, scaring them away]

Butt-head

Damn it, butthole, you scared away all the prostitutes. Let me handle this. [plays with the joystick in a suggestive manner] Hey, Beavis, check it out. I'm fantasizing about your mom.

Beavis

Damn it, Butt-Hhead, cut it out!

Butt-head

Wank...

Beavis

I was here first. [pushes Butt-head to another seat]

Butt-head

Damn it, Beavis, I'm gonna kick your ass! [the sound beeps] Whoa. This one's cooler, anyway. This is gonna be cool.

Beavis

[after accidentally forcing a screw through his hand, playing with an action figure and a screwdriver] Ahh! Butt-Head!

Butt-Head

[referring to the screw] It's in his butt.

Beavis

It hurts!

Butt-Head

Uh, I wouldn't know.

Beavis

Uh, oh yeah! Well, I mean, the screw, went into my hand! Come on, get it out!

Oh my God! He's bleeding!

Butt-Head

Cool! Uh, don't worry, I'll fix it.

Beavis

Come on, Butt-Head, do something! [Butt-Head grabs a power drill] AHH! [holds hand away]

Butt-Head

Settle down, Beavis! [Beavis looks unsure] Uh, okay this is gonna hurt you a lot more than it's gonna hurt me. How hold still, dumbass! [Beavis, shuts his eyes and holds both hands out to Butt-Head, who accidentally forces the screw even deeper, through his other hand attaching his hands together]

Beavis

Cut it out, bunghole!!

[panicking] OH MY GOD!

Butt-Head

Uhh, I think this screwdriver's like broken or something.

Oh my God! Butt-Head, you gotta get Beavis to the hospital!

Butt-Head

Don't worry, Beavis. It's not the first time you've screwed your hand.

Beavis

Oh yeah! Ow!

[with parents and their newborn baby] He's so beautiful! What are you gonna name him?

Well, we've always liked the name, Theo-

Beavis

I am Cornholio! You will name your baby, Bungholio! An albino? Hoolio, bunghholio! He will be an albino! [walks away as Butt-Head approaches] And a gringo.

Butt-Head

Uh, are you gonna feed him with your boob? That would be cool.

  Excuse me young brother, may we ask you a question?

Beavis

  Are you threatening me?!  My bunghole will ask the questions!  "Why do I not use T.P. for my pee-pee?"

  The beloved always did like riddles.

Beavis

  You will belove my bunghole!  For I am the great Cornholio!  I need T.P. for my bunghole!

  Look! His hands! He has the stigmata!

Beavis

  Stigmata-tata from Lake Titicaca!

Van Driessen

Beavis, Butt-head, if it was up to me, you could eat in class, but the school board says you can't. M'kay?

Butt-head

We have to. We're eating at Burger World for a month so we can get famous.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Like that Morgan Sherlock dude, you know what I'm saying?

Van Driessen

Of course, you're taking on corporate America to expose a very important issue to your generation.

Butt-head

Uh, yeah.

Van Driessen

This is great. I'm so proud of you boys.

So, does this mean that we can eat in class too?

Van Driessen

No. Only Beavis and Butt-head can eat in class. They're engaged in an act of social protest, shining a light on the issue of teen obesity.

Butt-head

We're eating in front of you.

Beavis

Yeah, you can't have any.

Van Driessen

Now, it's so important that you get your message out. Martin, maybe you can be part of this. [Martin reaches for a burger] No, I meant film Beavis and Butt-head, and then post it online.

Butt-head

Yeah, make a movie about us.

Van Driessen

The three of you can all use this as your semester service project. M'kay?

Beavis

Yeah. Cool.

Butt-head

We didn't bring enough for everybody.

Boys, here's some gift cards to Taco Yummo. They have unlimited funds. That means it's all you can eat, forever- eh, at Taco Yummo. Not Burger World.

Butt-head

Cool. Now we'll score for sure.

Beavis

Yeah!

Are you sure about this, sir? Those two can eat a lot.

Believe me, the cost is well worth it. Ugh, they're making me sick! Fire up the jet!

Beavis

I don't even understand what the problem is with teen obesity. This is great!

Butt-head

Yeah. Teen obesity kicks ass.

Beavis! Butt-head! Open this door right now!

Beavis

We're taking a dump, sir. I'm sorry. You're gonna have to wait your turn.

Butt-head

Yeah. We need some privacy. We're going to the bathroom, buttmunch.

[opens door and realizes that the boys made a mess and drags them out] What are you two doing?

Butt-head

Uh, we had to use the bathroom sir.

They said you've been in there for a half hour!

Beavis

Well, I think the food here gave us diarrhea, sir. [some customers are grossed out] It always does.

Look, I don't care how bad you have to go to the bathroom, you get back to work right now, or you're fired!

Wait just a minute. I'm a lawyer for the Labor Safety Organization.

So what?

These workers have a right to take as long of a bathroom break as they need.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it's the law.

Beavis

Whoa!

Butt-head

The law rules.

Oh, I- uh... Well I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of that, then.

Can we get our order now?!

We've been waiting for a long time here!

Ugh, come on already!

Yes, yes, of course. I'm so sorry everybody. Okay, Beavis, take the register, Butt-head, you get in the kitchen.

Butt-head

Uh, no. We're on our bathroom break.

Beavis

Yeah, it's the law!

Beavis

[setting the rat near the ingredients] There you go. That's a good boy. Make yourself at home.

Uh yeah, I would like a double cheeseburger and large fries, please.

Butt-head

Okay, how are you today?

Beavis

[at the fry station] Alright boy, come on, step aside. [gets fries] Good boy, all yours.

Is it going to be long?

Butt-head

You said "long."

Beavis

Ah, here you go. [the rat appears] Aww... It looks like we have some company.

[screams] A RAT!

Butt-head

Yeah. He really likes fries.

Beavis

And he seems to like the buns, too.

I'm gonna report this. This is a health violation.

Butt-head

Yeah, the food here sucks.

[comes in] What the hell is going on? I just got a call saying that there was a rat in here.

Butt-head

Yeah, check it out. It pooped everywhere.

Oh, God. I'll have to call the exterminator.

Beavis

We had to throw out all of those traps you had, you know. He almost died.

Ok, where's the rat now?

Butt-head

Uhh...

Beavis

Well, I had him right here on the counter a minute ago, I don't know.

It's not funny guys, okay? This is very serious and now we're gonna have to throw away all of the food. [leaves]

Beavis

Here boy, come on.

Butt-head

Here rat.

Beavis

Here boy.

Butt-head

Rat? Whoa! Well, I guess it's like, not like a dude after all.

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Butt-head

This is cool.

Van Driessen

Class, this weekend, I'm organizing a trip down to the Gulf of Mexico. As you are all well aware, this oil spill is a crisis of unprecedented proportion. It's done great damage to the wetlands. [Beavis and Butt-head snicker in the back of the class] Giant tar balls are washing up all along the coast. And then there's the birds. It's too late for a lot of the older birds, but we can still rescue the chicks.

Butt-head

Uh, chicks?

Beavis

I'm listening.

Van Driessen

Yes, Butt-head, so many of these poor chicks are dirty. They're just filthy.

Butt-head

Whoa! Filthy chicks!

Beavis

Yeah! Filthy chicks!

Van Driessen

Yes, and we need people to go down there and wash them. Are there any volunteers?

Butt-head

Uh, yeah. Count me in.

Beavis

Yeah, this weekend's good for me.

Van Driessen

Well great! Thank you, Beavis and Butt-head.

Butt-head

Filthy chicks!

The oil spill in the Gulf isn't just hurting people, it's hurting plants and animals, which are two other kinds of life. But it's not all bad news, which brings us to this week's local hero, Maya Kanigher. She's leading the efforts to clean the many baby birds damaged by this spill.

When I saw what was happening to the birds here...

Mmmm...

I knew I had to act to save the chicks!

Mmm... mmmm- wait, to save the uh...?

The baby birds.

Oh- oh right. Maya has organized an assembly line of young idealists who gather the birds, clean them, and dry them. These young volunteers are certainly doing their part.

Beavis

So this is like, um, this is like, oil.

Butt-head

Yeah. And we're covered in it, and we're gonna do it!

Beavis

Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

That is an inspiring sentiment. We are all going to do it. We are all going to do it.

Butt-head

Get in line, dude.

Back to you, Geena.