Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

Whoa! A dead body! Check it out!

Coach Buzzcut

Give the man some air! He's not dead yet!

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, did you see McVicker? He was like ‘uh, uh, uh,' and then Buzzcut made out with him.

Beavis

Yeah, that was cool. We should go to school early tomorrow, you know, in case someone else dies.

Butt-head

Dumbass, [the two begin walking off into the sunset] we're rich; we don't have to go to school ever again.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's pretty damn cool.

Butt-head

Uh huh huh, yeah.

[simultaneously, laughing for the last time] Heh heh heh mh heh heh heh... Uh huh huh huh huh huh huh...

Butt-head

Well this isn't very good.

Beavis

So uh, is Bella a zombie? She's just standing there with her mouth open and she acts like she's dead...

Shhh! Quiet!

Beavis

Ehh, sorry, sorry.

I will fight for you until your heart stops beating. And then I will still love you. And then I will keep loving you, until the end of time...

Butt-head

How come everyone whispers in these movies?

Beavis

They're probably embarrassed. What do you think?

Shhh! Shut up!

[as Beavis and Butt-Head approach, thinking he is a werewolf] Women? Let me tell you something about women. They're all right. They're fiiiine when they don't know what's happening. I don't think you no listening to me! No listen to me! You no listen to me!!

Butt-Head

Uhh, thank you oh great master for your wisdom. But, uh, we were like wondering if you could like, bite us?

Beavis

Yeah me too.

You got a dollar?

Butt-Head

Uhh, we have gum.[offers gum]

Ah, like me gum! [ingests the gum and proceeds to ferociously bite Beavis and Butt-Head repeatedly]

Beavis

[amongst saying "ow"] Cool!

Butt-Head

[also saying "ow"] You don't have to go crazy!

Beavis

Okay that's enough!

[drops both boys] Ahhh, like me gum!

Beavis

[getting up and limping away] Dammit, that hurt.

Butt-Head

Don't worry, Beavis. It'll be worth it.

Butt-head

Being a werewolf hurts my bones.

Beavis

Yeah. It makes my eyes hurt.

Butt-head

Whoa! You're crying!

Beavis

What, no I'm not!

Butt-head

You're crying like a girl!

Beavis

No way! I am not! Dammit!

Butt-head

You're moved.

Beavis

I am not moved! Shut up! I don't know what it is.

Butt-head

This is amazing!

Butt-head

So, like, yesterday, you we're crying.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! I was not!

That's why so many readers find Atticus' speech so moving.

Butt-head

Uh... I Mr. Van Driessen. I bet Beavis was really moved by it.

Beavis

Cut it off, Butt-Head.

Butt-head

Cuz yesterday, I saw him crying.

Beavis

No, I wasn't!

It's okay to be touched, Beavis.

Butt-head

Yeah, Beavis was touched.

Beavis

SHUT UP! I WAS NOT CRYING BUTT-HEAD!

Hey guys, what's up?

Butt-head

Hey Stewart, have you heard the news?

Beavis

SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD.

No, what?

Butt-head

Beavis was crying.

Beavis

SHUT UP! I WAS NOT! I WAS NOT CRYING! I wasn't. Something happened to my eyes. It was that onion.

Butt-head

Uh... attention everyone. [everyone looks at him] Beavis was crying.

Beavis

DAMMIT! I WAS NOT CRYING!

Coach Buzzcut

You will climb the rope, touch the ceiling, and descend, all within 30 seconds. Are there any questions?

Butt-head

Uh, I have a question. What happens if Beavis starts crying?

Beavis

AAH! I WAS NOT CRYING! I WAS NOT CRYING! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!

Old Butt-Head

Hey, Beavis.

Old Beavis

What?

Old Butt-Head

You were crying!

Old Beavis

I was not! I was not crying! [Old Butt-Head laughs but his laughter brings on a heart attack and he passes away] I'm serious. I was not crying, Butt-Head. I'm not crying now either. [pushes him with his wheelchair, satisfied] Butthole.

Tom Anderson

[Notices Beavis and Butt-head just sitting on the sidewalk while working on his lawn] Now I know these tired old eyes ain't seeing two able bodied young men just lollygagging.

Butt-head

Uh, can you like, shut up?

Tom Anderson

Say what?!

Butt-head

We're waiting for this dude to like, let us have his daughter's hand.

Tom Anderson

Huh. And I thought your generation had given up on being proper gentlemen. So, which one of you is fixing to win the hand of this little lady?

Butt-head

Uh, right here!

Beavis

Me. Yeah, me!

Tom Anderson

Hmm. A love triangle, huh? Well, I guess you two will have to tangle since you know she can't give her hand to both of you.

Beavis

Yeah, but she's got two of 'em.

Tom Anderson

Jumping Jesus, son! A gal gives her hand to just one fellow. Now, let me give you boys a little tip: no one ever got anywhere just waiting around. When it comes to women, there's nothing wrong with being a little persistent.

Butt-head

Uh...

Tom Anderson

Damn it, boys! If you want that girl's hand, get off your keisters and go get it!

Butt-head

He's right, Beavis. We've waited long enough.

Beavis

Yeah. Her hand must be rested enough by now. [As they walk back to the house] Boing!

Tom Anderson

Ah, young love.

Yes, do you see what they are saying?

Yes, I do, and if you want to get ahead here, you just listen to these guys. See Hamid, our goal is to help the customer, of course. But if we're on the phone for too long, we don't make any money. We go out of business, and then what will the customers do?

Beavis

I am Hamid! I am Chinese! Do not hang up on me!

You see that? Keep up the good work, fellas!

Hey guys, this guy, he say "Microsoft!" Heh-heh! It's funny, right? "Micro-soft?" Eh-heh-heh!

Butt-head

Uh, not bad, Hamid.

Beavis

Yeah, you're getting better! Keep up the good work.