Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

What's up with you, Beavis? You look like you're pregnant.

Beavis

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

Butt-head

I just realized something. Being married would suck. You'd just hang around with the same person all the time, and say all the same dumb stuff over and over again. That would suck.

Beavis

Heh, yeah.

Tom Anderson

[to his wife] Hold my hand, honeybunch.

Butt-head

[to Beavis] Pull my finger, buttmunch.

Beavis

This music sucks!

Butt-head

Yeah... I wonder when the bride chick's gonna be here...

Butt-head

  Uh…we need to change the oil.

Beavis

  Yeah, if you could just change it while we wait, that would be fine.

  Okay, pull your car in.

Butt-head

  Uh, car?

Beavis

  Yeah, what do we need a car for?

  Well, how the hell am I supposed to change the oil if you don't have a car?

Butt-head

Err...

Beavis

Yeah! Your loins, your liver!

There's plenty more inside.

Butt-head

  Whoa, check it out.

Beavis

  Yeah.

Butt-head

  Whoa.  I've got something to give her.

Beavis

  Yeah.

  Did you like my poem?

Butt-head

  Uh…your what?

Beavis

  Yeah, yeah!  Your loins, your liver!

  There's plenty more inside.

Butt-head

  Cool.

  [on stage]  "And then, my friend, you die.  [louder]  And then, my friend, you die, man!  And then… [gasps] …my friend."

Beavis

  You die!  Yeah.

  Thank you.

Butt-head

  That was cool.

  Thank you, Omar.  Is there anyone who'd like to read now?  Any new blood?

Butt-head

  [to Beavis]  Check this out.  [to everyone]  Uh…I got some rhymes for the house.

  What's your name, young brother?

Butt-head

  Uh…Butt-head.

  Cool.  Let's groove for a while with Butt-head.

Butt-head

  Yeah.

Butt-head

  Groove with me, people.  [chuckles]  This is gonna be cool.

Beavis

  [walks up to a male beatnik at a table]  Um…I'm just gonna sit here, yeah.

  Yeah, man, take a load off.

Beavis

  [chuckles]  Take a load.

Butt-head

  Check this out.  Uh…there once was a man from Venus, with a rocket ship for a…a…wiener.

Beavis

  Yeah, yeah!  [pounds table]

Butt-head

  Uh…okay.  Here's—

  [to Beavis and male beatnik]  Hi, what can I bring you guys?

Beavis

  Um…

Butt-head

  [in background]  Here I sit—

  Uh, yeah, get me a triple amaretto cappuccino, low on the foam, a double shot, and bring the man here one, too, right?

Butt-head

  The phone is ringing, and I cannot linger.  So, look out, butt, here comes my finger.  [audience groans]  And then, my friend, you die.

Beavis

  Yeah, yeah!  You die!  [pounds table]

Butt-head

  That was cool.

Beavis

  Um…um…

  Try it, man, come on.  It's—it's cappuccino.

Beavis

  [chuckles]  Crappuccino?  Crappuccino.  [chuckles]  Yeah.  [takes a sip]

Butt-head

  [in background]  Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha.

  Yeah, copasetic, dialectic.

Beavis

  Wahhh!  Copasetic, copasetic!  Gimme that.  [snatches other drink and downs it]

Butt-head

  [in background]  This is a pee-pee—no.

  Hi, more cappuccino?

Beavis

  I need crappuccino for my bunghole!  Gimme that!  [chittering; snatches coffee pot from waiter and drinks it all]

Butt-head

  [in background]  Uh, I'll tell that one later.  [Beavis speaks gibberish]  There once was a lady from China, with a popsicle in her—

  [pulls microphone away from Butt-head as the feedback whines]  Thanks, thanks, kid.  That was organic.  Let's give someone else a shot at the mic.

Beavis

  [has his shirt over his head, jumps up from table; chittering] I am Cornholio!  My bunghole will speak now!  [runs into another table]  Ah, hey.  Are you threatening me?  I must have more crappuccino for my bunghole.  [snatches drink]  Bungholio, bungholio.  [slurping]

Beavis

  [onstage, gibbering incoherently]  I am Cornholio!  I need t.p. for my bunghole!  I want all your crappuccino!

Butt-head

  [sitting at table with male beatnik and another man]  Do it, brother Beavis.

Beavis

  Are you threatening me?!  You do not want to face the wrath of my bunghole.  My bunghole, it goes bungo.  Tungo, tungo, tungo.  Tungo!  Rap-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.  And one for you.  Parrrrr!  [gulps]

  [to Butt-head]  Hi, I run the multicultural poetry program at the university.  Your friend is, uh, unusual.  What is he?  Hispanic?  Russian?

Butt-head

  Uh…yeah.  He's Russian.  [chuckles]

  Uh…hmm.  Amazing energy.  I'd love to see his portfolio.

Beavis

  Portfolio?  Holio, holio!  Arriba, arriba, yeah.  I come from Lake Titicaca.

  Hey, man, you've been holding out on us.  Where'd you get all those crazy rhymes?

Beavis

  Would you like to see my portfoilo?  I have a portfolio in my bunghole with my oleo.

  Wow, this is ground-breaking stuff, man.

Beavis

  [gibbering]

Beavis

  [groaning onstage, the caffeine having worn off, hits his head on the microphone; microphone feedback whinges]  Hey, how's it going?  Oh, yeah.  Um, roses are—no.  Um…heh.  Oh, I know.  Uh…here I sit, brokenhearted, I pay the quarter—  You got a quarter?

  Well, his fifteen minutes of fame are over.  I guess nobody can keep up that kind of intensity.

  Wait, I want more.  Man, he's not done.  [to waiter]  Alphons, bring my boy another cappuccino, a quadruple.

Beavis

  Quarter, pay the dime…

  Yeah, leave the pot.

Beavis

  Oh, thanks.  Yeah.  [slurps drink]  Yep.  [slurps from coffee pot]  Mmm.  [gibbering incoherently]  Yeah!  [pulls shirt over head]  I am the great Cornholio!  You have awaken my bunghole!  And now you must pay!  [chittering]  The streets will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers!  [chuckles]  That would be cool.  [gibbering]

Being in the captivity of nature without women is the perfect way to wrestle with your manhood.

Butt-head

Beavis wrestles with his manhood.

Beavis

Yeah, heh, I usually win.

Now Beavis, try and get in touch with your inner male.

Beavis

Heheh, no way! Not with a bunch of dudes watching!

Beavis

[beats drum] Woah, that was pretty cool. [beats the drum and laughs, getting progressively faster]

Okay Beavis, now let that wild man within put his feelings into words.

Beavis

Yeah, hehe, it's like, it's like, I wanna check out chicks' thingies! I wanna see their thingies! But they won't let me! And that just makes me wanna check them out even more!

We feel your male pain.

Beavis

I feel like I'm never gonna score! And chicks don't wanna talk to me! Like, I wanna go up and say ‘Hey baby how's it goin?' heh. And then just like, they just go away! And then they slap me!

I can identify with that….I guess.

Beavis

And sometimes I just wanna like, get a big bulldozer and I just wanna like, bulldoze the walls to the girls' locker room! That way I can see their boobs!

Butt-head

That would be cool.

Beavis

It's like I know they're naked inside there, and I just can't stand it! And then, and then I wanna take the bulldozer and like, I wanna bulldoze the cafeteria too! And then the library! Destroy all the books! Eheheheheh, and then I wanna go to the principal's office, and bulldoze the principal's office too! EHEHEHEH!

I think someone's inner warrior needs to go back to basic training...

Beavis

Things will never turn out they way they-!

[interrupting] Maybe you need professional help, Beavis. [reaches over to get the drum back]

Beavis

[beats his hand away] NEVER!

Someone take that damn drum away from him!

What the hell are you teaching these kids of yours anyway?

You know, the guys at the gym were right, you ARE a pantywaist.

And you said this was the way to recapture the spirit of Woodstock? Woodstock my ass!

Beavis

[beating the drum each time he says it] Naked boobs, naked boobs, naked boobs!

Hey, you punks! Quit jumping on my bells, or I'll give you something to jump about.

Butt-head

Did he say "Quit jumping on my balls?"

Beavis

QUIT JUMPING ON MY BALLS!

Look, I'll give you this bottle to break out back if stop distracting my customers.

Butt-head, perhaps you see a part of yourself in Michael.

Butt-head

Yeah, my butt.

And Beavis, is that what you feel?

Butt-head

Beavis feels himself.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! Heh, I'll kick your ass!

Beavis

Hey, Butt-head. I bet if we had a bomb, Pantera would hang out with us.

Butt-Head

Yeah. We could make 'em hang out with us.