Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-Head

Heh heh heh heh, "wood."

Beavis

Heh heh, "boner!"

Butt-head

[About the place where the guy killed his brother]It was your idea in the first place, buttknocker.

Beavis

Hey don't call me "buttknocker" butt-head.

Butt-head

Turn on the lights, buttknocker. I can't see anything!

Beavis

[Angrily] Stop calling me "buttknocker"!

Butt-head

Beavis, you buttmunch, turn on the light before I kick your ass!

Beavis

[Calmly] Okay. That's better. [Switches the lamp on]

Butt-head

[Scoping the living room, which resembles their own living room] This is cool... So,uh... where do you think he killed him?

Beavis

Hmm, let's see. It looks like he fell. I'd have to say he died right about here. [Points to an outline of the victim's lying position] Yeah, yeah.

Butt-head

Oh, yeah.

Beavis

Whoa! [Walks toward tire iron] Check out this thing. [Picks up tire iron] I bet he hit him with this.

Butt-head

Don't be stupid, Beavis. That's for, like, changing tires and stuff.

Beavis

Oh, yeah. [Throws tire iron right next to the lamp table] Whoa. [Spots a TV remote and picks it up] Hey, I got the remote. Let's see what's on TV.

Butt-head

Beavis, I told you I wasn't gonna let you touch the remote anymore. [Makes an unsuccessful grab for the remote] Now, give me that, buttknocker!

Beavis

No way, and stop calling me "buttknocker"!

Butt-head

[Climbs toward Beavis] Give it here, before I kick your buttknockering ass! [Manages to grip the remote with Beavis still holding it, before they drop it on the floor]

Beavis

Stop calling me that, Butt-head! [Punches Butt-head twice in the stomach] Stop it!

Butt-head

[Knees Beavis in the groin] Buttknocker!

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! Shut up!! [Growls uncontrollably, Beavis and Butt-head fall behind couch] I'm gonna kill you, Butt-head!! I swear to God, I'm gonna kill you!!!

Butt-head

[knocks lamp over] Oh, yeah? [Throws punch at Beavis, most likely his head] You and what other buttknockers?

Beavis

[Beavis and Butt-head fall on the couch, then the floor] Shut up, Butt-head!!

Butt-head

Buttknocker...

Beavis

SHUT UP!

Butt-head

Buttknocker...

Beavis

STOP IT!

Butt-head

Buttknocker...

Beavis

I'LL KILL YOU!!!

[Barges in] GET HIM!

Beavis

YOU SON OF A BITCH!! [Growls uncontrollably, then gets apprehended by the officers] Come on! Let me go! I'm gonna kill Butt-head! I'm gonna kill him! [Growls uncontrollably]

Butt-head

[Watches as Beavis is taken away] That was cool. [Laughs in lower pitch than normal] Uh huh huh huh.

Butt-Head

Hey Beavis, huh huh huh. If you like, abstract a chick, huh huh huh, then I can like, stick it in her taco! Huh huh huh.

Beavis

Heh heh heh m heh No way, Butt-Head! We have to like, give her the Spanish Fly first!

Butt-Head

What the hell do you think I'm talking about, butt plug?!?!

Beavis

Um, I uh, oh yeah, yeah heh heh heh m heh...

Beavis

AHHHHHHHHHH!!! HE'S GOT A BONER!!!!

Butt-head

Kick him in the nads, Beavis.

Butt-head

Right now, I'm being sexually harassed by Kimberly.

WHAT!?!

Beavis

Yeah, me too, she's giving me a stiffy.

Butt-head

Yeah, and it makes it like uncomfortable to work and stuff....usually harasses me at least once a day.

Beavis

Four or five times for me, sir.

Van Driessen

  I think YOU'RE sexually harassing Kimberly.

Beavis

  No way!  Chicks can't get stiffies!

Beavis

  She's doing it again!  She's doing it right now!

  What is she doing?

Beavis

  She's giving me a stiffy.

  Giving you a what?

Beavis

  Heh, you know…boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing.

Butt-head

  [to judge]  He has an erection.

  Like, "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall"?

Van Driessen

  Good, Dean.  But beer and driving don't mix.  How about "99 Bottles of Tea on the Wall"?  Or we could try some other arrangement.  [cars behind the bus are honking their horns]  What's going on? Why's everybody honking?

Beavis

  [whilst mooning at other cars]  Peek-a-boo!

Butt-head

Some day, we're gonna have wheels just like Todd.

Beavis

Yeah, then we can, like, drive chicks to school.

Butt-head

You dumbass! If we ever get a car and chicks, we're not going anywhere near a school.

It's not like Stewart to miss lunch!

Beavis

I bet. He's fat.

Beavis

Have you looked in the garbage can?

[crying] Oh no, you...

Butt-head

Beavis, you dumbass, why'd you tell her that? ... Stewart doesn't fit in a garbage can, dumbass, remember? If you wanted to put Stewart in a garbage can, you'd have to like, cut him up into little pieces.

My poor Stewart! What could have happened to him?

Beavis

um...Maybe somebody killed him and burried him in a shallow grave. [Stewart's mom sobs louder] Um...what's the matter?

Now, Beavis and Butt-head, if you could grow any type of food, what would you grow?

Beavis

Heh heh. Um...nachos.

Butt-head

Nachos aren't a plant, dumbass. They, like, make 'em from stuff.

That's right, Butt-head. And corn is an excellent choice. Or, as the Native Americans call it, "maize".

Beavis

No, no, no. We want to grow nachos.

In a few months, Beavis, when the corn grows, you'll be able to make your own nachos.

Beavis

Yeah, but we can go to Maxi-Mart and get some right now.

Butt-head

Yeah, but this is school. They have to do everything ass-backwards.

Butt-head

Uh, hello?

Hey, congratulations. You just won yourself a free pizza.

Butt-head

Cool!

We'll be happy to deliver it right over to your house. What's your address?

Butt-head

Uhh...

You don't know your own address?

Butt-head

Uhh...

Uh, tell you what. Do you have any mail around? Read me the address off of that.

Butt-head

Hey, Beavis. Do we, like, have any mail around?

Beavis

Uh, let's see. Just that stuff we took out of Stewart's mailbox.

Butt-head

[into phone] Uh, okay.

Good. Now, what does it say?

Butt-head

Uh, Stewart Stevenson, uh, 67 Maple Street. Now hurry up and get that pizza over here. I'm hungry.