Scenes with Smart Butt-head 1,797
[when Beavis and Butt-head crawl out of their box into a landfill]
Butt-head Whoa! Florida is even cooler than I thought.
Yeah. Feels really good to be on the beach, you know? Boy, the ocean really smells terrible, doesn't it?
Butt-head It's all the dumbass fish.
So um, where are all the chicks, Butt-head?
Butt-head Uh, I think they all sleep late 'cause they're tired from scoring all night.
Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, right.
Butt-head Well, when they wake up, they're gonna wanna see a gun show, so let's get down to it.
[they take their shirts off]
Here we go! Come and get it. I'm just gonna lay down here and catch me some rays. [lays down] Oh yeah, this is the life- Ow! Ah! I got like a nail in my back!
Butt-head This place just gets cooler and cooler.
S Steve
You little punk-ass bitch, you and I are throwing hands after school! 3 o'clock in parking lot B. See you there!
Butt-head That guy is cool. Maybe him kicking your ass will be on WorldStar.
[as Butt-head trains him] Butt-head, I still can't figure out why you're having me buy all these nachos.
Butt-head Uh, that's okay. I can't eat anymore. Okay, let's see what you've learned.
[they move to the gym floor]
Butt-head Lesson one. [punches Beavis in the face]
Butt-head You dumbass, you gotta hold your hands up to protect your face. Come on!
Oh yeah yeah, yeah, like I'm paying for nachos, yeah. [holds his hands up]
Butt-head Are your hands up high?
Butt-head Good. [kicks him in the testicles]
Butt-head You didn't learn anything.
D Doctor
So, you're interested in getting vasectomies?
Old Butt-head Well, obviously.
Yeah, I mean, you know, we wanna score, you know?
D Doctor
Well, let me walk you through the procedure. [grabs a diagram model of the male reproductive system] Your body generates sperm... [Beavis and Butt-head chortle] ... right here, in the testicles. [Beavis and Butt-head chortle more] Which are located here in the scrotum. [Beavis and Butt-head chortle more] It then travels through the vas deferens...
Old Butt-head Uhhh...
D Doctor
... on its way to the penis. [Beavis and Butt-head chortle again] And then through the urethra.
Old Butt-head ... Uhhh...
D Doctor
That's in the course of a normal ejeculation. [Butt-head chortles]
Old Butt-head That's like... [leans in and whispers to Beavis]
Ooooh! [they both chortle] Ejeculation.
D Doctor
The procedure is simply to cut and seal the vas deferens right here, and then you should be able to return to your current level of sexual activity.
Old Butt-head Yeah. Or more.
D Doctor
If you'd like, we can schedule your procedures for Monday. Any questions?
Yeah, yeah, um, do you have one of those, but it's like, a chick? You know what I'm saying?
Whoa! Now this guy is cool!
[as Beavis and Butt-head try to enter a bar]
Now hold on there, boys, this here's the Legion Hall, and we're having a special get-together for Flag Day. Service members only.
Old Butt-head Uhh, we're members.
Yeah, yeah, we're from America.
Well, I'm glad to hear it, but I'm talking about people who laid it all on the line for this great country. Were you in the service?
Old Butt-head Uhhh... yeah. We did like, service.
Thank you, drive through. Would you like the combo for a dollar more?
You boys wore the uniform?
Yeah, we had to wear a uniform. There was a hat and everything, yeah.
Old Butt-head Uh, it was like, a long time ago, but I remember that the training sucked, and it was always hot, and you never knew when a bunch of guys would be all on your ass.
Yeah, and there was one time when the shake machine-
Enough said, boys. Save the war stories for your fellow servicemen. Come on in, and enjoy the company.
Old Butt-head Kick ass!
Say, have you all met Belvis and Bunhowzen here? They served in, uh... I guess it'd be the Desert Storm.
Yeah, like I was saying, there's that one time when the shake machine-
Did Gilmore tell you the story about how he captured that there flag in Vietnam?
Old Butt-head Uh, no.
G Gillmore
Well, we see roofing it through that godforsaken jungle, when all of a sudden the commies opened fire.
Fire! FIRE!!! Yeah, FIRE!
V Veteran
You're still feeling it, ain't ya?
Old Butt-head Yeah. He feels it all the time.
YV Young Veteran
I got a buddy who was in Desert Storm. What battalion were you in?
Old Butt-head Uhhhhh...
YV Young Veteran
I said, what battalion were you in?
What's your battalion number, boys?
Old Butt-head Uh, 69. [he and Beavis chuckle]
G Gillmore
The Fighting 69th! You guys are they're real deal.
V Veteran
Must have seen a lot of action.
Old Butt-head Yeah. We like action.
Well, when you're in the 69, you're gonna get plenty of action when it's going down.
[Beavis and Butt-head chortle uncontrollably]
G Gillmore
They could lick anybody!
[they chortle even more]
V Veteran
I heard in Iraq, the 69 saw action from both sides at once.
Yeah, yeah, that's why they call it that! Yeah yeah, here, I'll draw you a picture. Butt-head explained it to me once. See, the bottom of the six is the butt, and then the nine is like, the nads or something. I don't know.
[after Beavis knocks a caramel apple from Butt-head's mouth with a bat]
Uh, what are those things that look just like your braces?
Butt-head Wait a second... [goes to a car window, and sees his reflection, and that his braces have come off] ... I'm beautiful...
Yeah, you really do look different without your braces, Butt-head.
Butt-head That's because I'm hot now, Beavis.
Butt-head I mean, I was hot before, now I'm like, even hotter.
Whoa! So um, so what's it like?
Butt-head You know how it's like, cool when you see a chick's butt?
Butt-head Well, I'm like that now, Beavis. I'm like a chick's butt, but to chicks.
Well, they managed to get most of your teeth back in, that's pretty cool.
Butt-head Yeah, and now I have to wear these braces until I'm like, 25.
Yup, and you still never scored.
Butt-head That nurse said I'm still beautiful on the inside.
Yeah, that means you're ugly, I think.
Butt-head I know, Beavis. Shut up.
[after Butt-head suffers a heart attack and falls down the stairs]
Old Butt-head [breathing heavily and straining] Pain... in my chest... I can't breathe...
Old Butt-head My left arm is numb...
Oh, you know what you should do? You should spank your monkey. It'll feel like someone else is doing it.
Old Butt-head Oh yeah, good idea... [tries to move] Ugh... I can't...
Well that sucks. It wasn't cool.
[as one of their neighbors sees Butt-head laying at the bottom of the stairs]
FN Female Neighbor
Oh my God! Sir, are you okay?!
Old Butt-head Ugh...ohhh...
FN Female Neighbor
Is there anything I can do?
Old Butt-head [panting] Y-yes... there is... one thing... you can do...
FN Female Neighbor
What?! What is it?!
Old Butt-head ... m-me...
FN Female Neighbor
Creep! [slaps him]
So do you remember that time when you threw us in your trunk by the railroad track?
Old Butt-head Uhh, do you remember when you threw us in your trunk at the pool?
What about the time when you threw us in your trunk by the creek? Remember that one?
... huh. I guess I do remember messing with a couple of losers who were always in my face.
Yes! Yes! He remembers us!
Old Butt-head Those were the happiest times of our lives.
Old Butt-head Yes! Teach us, Todd. Teach us the way of the pipe.
You know, maybe I do owe you for all the crap I did back in the day. They call it bullying now, I guess.
Bad news, pussies. Since you guys went in the shit pipe, there's been a downturn in the plumbing business. You're fired.
Well, at least we helped you out, you know?
Uh, you didn't. I just made you touch a lot of shit.
Cool, um, so you're gonna pay us, right?
No, I'm not gonna do that.
Old Butt-head Yeah, Beavis. He's not gonna do that, dumbass.
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