Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

Um, Butt-head, I was wondering like, do you think it would cool to do it with an octopus?

Butt-head

Uh, no.

Beavis

Yeah yeah, me neither. I don't know why I said that. That's weird.

Butt-head

Uh, Beavis... I'd probably laugh about it eventually, but it would have sucked if I killed you by hitting your nuts.

George Washington and the founding fathers were farmers, m'kay? And the main crop they grew was tobacco.

Butt-head

Whoa! You can grow cigarettes?

Well, no, but you can grow tobacco, m'kay?

Butt-head

[amazed] You can grow tobacco...

Yes, tobacco is a plant. It grows from seeds like any other plant.

Beavis

Whoa! Cigarette seeds! That's cool.

[sighs] Guys, it's April. We're supposed so be up to the Vietnam War. Now, as I was saying, tobacco was America's first cash crop.

Beavis

Yeah yeah, get cash and money!

Butt-head

Beavis, we've heard enough. Let's grow tobacco, and get cash money like that dumbass, George Washington.

It's good to see two young people cleaning up all the litter around here. There's a receptacle right over there, boys. [points to a cigarette disposal can]

Butt-head

Whoa! Cool. We're gonna be rich! [they begin stuffing their pockets with cigarette butts]

Beavis

I can't believe these dumbasses just left these around and didn't know they were seeds. They really suck at farming.

Butt-head

Beavis, everybody sucks at everything.

Beavis

You know, I wonder if George Washington ever scored.

Butt-head

Of course he scored, dumbass. He's rich, and he's got his own cigarette trees. You should think before you open your mouth once in a while. [Beavis eats a cigarette butt] Dammit, stop eating the seeds.

Beavis

Sorry, it's like, I ate one, and now it's like, I just can't stop, you know? It's like I'm addicted to seeds, you know what I'm saying?

Butt-head

There we go, all done.

Beavis

So um, when will they be ready?

Butt-head

Patience, Beavis. The cigarette tree takes many seasons to grow. [Beavis eats another cigarette butt] Uh, how many of those did you eat?

Beavis

I don't know. Probably like 80. [eats another one]

Butt-head

Dammit, Beavis, each one of those was gonna be a whole cigarette tree. You ate like 80 trees.

Beavis

Sorry, sorry. Just one more to help me relax. [eats more cigarette butts] I'll stop tomorrow.

Butt-head

Dammit, Beavis, now we gotta go find more seeds, or we're not gonna get rich enough.

Beavis

Oh yeah yeah. Good idea. I'm like, craving finding more seeds.

Butt-head

Tobacco sucks.

Beavis

That old lady kicked my ass so hard, the doctor said I have a tumor on my tongue. And it increased my risk of heart disease.

Butt-head

Yeah.

Beavis

And also like, a low fetal birth weight or something. I don't know.

Butt-head

Well we certainly learned a lesson today.

Beavis

Yup, we sure did.

Butt-head

The reason George Washington is dead is some old ladies kicked his ass and gave him cancer.

Beavis

And that's why we're the greatest country on Earth.

Old Butt-head

[as their car gets towed] Uh, what's the problem, officer?

Well, your car's impounded. You have over $500 in unpaid parking tickets.

Old Beavis

In our defense, officer, parking sucks.

Old Butt-head

Okay Beavis, we need to find where they give you your license back. [they look at a long line for a driver's license] Uh, that line sucks.

Old Beavis

[they look at a long line for a firearms license] Yeah, that's gonna take forever.

Old Butt-head

[they see no line at the office for a marriage license] There's no line at that one.

Old Beavis

Yeah, let's go there.

Old Butt-head

Uh, we need a license.

Well congratulations! And how's your day going so far?

Old Butt-head

Uh, today sucks.

Old Beavis

Yeah, we just wanted to go to Burger World, but then our neighbor yelled at us, and called us creeps. And then this cop was like, "You and your kind need to get off the streets."

Oh, you poor, sweet, beautiful men. How can people be so cruel?

Old Butt-head

I know. We're just like, two guys trying to live our lives.

Old Beavis

Yeah, but sometimes, it just feels like the whole world is against us. You know what I'm saying?

Well I just know there's gonna be a lot of broken hearts when a couple of hot bachelors like you go off the market.

Old Butt-head

Uh, did you just call us hot bachelors?

Yes sir, I did, and you are, but not for long! How does getting married sound?

Old Butt-head

Whoa! Uh, you wanna marry us?

Yes I do, if you're ready.

Old Butt-head

Uh, excuse me, ma'am. I need to talk to Beavis for a second. [they leave the counter]

Old Beavis

Um, what's going on?

Old Butt-head

Don't you see what's happening here, Beavis? She wants a three-way with us!

Old Beavis

Whoa, really?!

Old Butt-head

Yeah. But she's like, old-fashioned, so we have to get married to her first.

Old Beavis

Is that legal for her to have, like, two husbands?

Old Butt-head

Who cares, Beavis? By the time they arrest us, we'll have already scored.

Old Beavis

Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, I'd go to jail for that, yeah. Boi-oi-oi-oing! [they return to the counter] We're ready to get married.

Old Butt-head

This is the happiest day of my life.

Old Beavis

You know, I always thought being married was gonna be weird, but it's not bad.

Old Butt-head

You know, Beavis, we should have gotten married years ago.

Wait, you guys are married?

Old Butt-head

Yep. It just happened like, all of a sudden.

Old Beavis

Yeah, we were down at the courthouse, you know, and one thing led to another.

You guys have a seat. This one's on me.

Old Butt-head

We're gonna be doing it later today.

Old Beavis

Yeah yeah, that's right.

Good for you!

Beavis

What's she doing that for?

Butt-head

Uh, I think maybe chicks like guys who have like, emotions and stuff.

Beavis

I have emotions. Like when I eat french fries, I have the emotion of like, "these french fries taste really good," you know?

Butt-head

Uhh, I think they have to be like, sad emotions.

Beavis

Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, that's how they get you. Always something.

Butt-head

Wait a second, Beavis. We should like, start being all sad. Then chicks will like us, and then we'll score.

Beavis

Yeah, that's a great idea, Butt-head! Yes! I think we're finally gonna score- [Butt-head slaps him] Ah!

Butt-head

Quit being happy, dumbass! You're gonna ruin it.

Beavis

Oh yeah yeah yeah, sorry about that. Won't happen again.

These feelings of "everything sucks," how long have you had them?

Butt-head

Uhh, since everything started to suck, I guess.

Super. The purpose of this exercise is to show that...

Butt-head

Uhh, this sucks.

Beavis

This really sucks, Butt-head.

Butt-head

Now I really am sad.

Beavis

Yeah, me too.

Butt-head

Dammit, Beavis, you're getting your gross drool on my side of the couch now.

Beavis

Ahh! AHHH!!!

Butt-head

Shut up, dumbass. [slaps Beavis, only to immediately be tackled, scratched, and attacked by Beavis; he manages to get away] Beavis, I'm just gonna go ahead and kick your ass some other time-

Beavis

AHHHHH!!! [Butt-head screams and runs away]

Butt-head

Whoa! That's like, the worst sunburn I ever saw.

Beavis

I know. It like, hurts and stuff.

Butt-head

I'm sorry, Beavis. That must be very painful. [pokes the sunburn]

Beavis

AHHHHH! Come on, don't touch my sunburn please.

Butt-head

Uhhh, okay. [slaps his sunburn]

Beavis

AHHHHHH!!!!

Butt-head

I didn't touch it, I slapped it.

Beavis

Damn it, Butt-head, cut it out!

Butt-head

Uhh, alright. [begins making buzzing sounds] Oh no, it's a mosquito.

Beavis

Oh no, where is it?

Butt-head

It landed on you, Beavis.

Beavis

Oh really? Could you like slap it or something? 'Cause I don't want it to bite me on my sunbur- [realizes] uh, wait NO! [is slapped by Butt-head] AHHHHHHH!!!!!

Butt-head

Got it.