LJLead Juror
Okay, the evidence is pretty overwhelming. It clearly shows the defendant robbed a Maxi Mart at gunpoint, threw a keg of beer through the front window, and got away with $600, and five cartons of cigarettes.
Old Butt-headWhoa. That guy sounds pretty cool. I wanna meet him.
Yeah, really. Yeah, they should have brought him to this trial. Wouldn't have been so boring.
FJFemale Juror
He... was at the trial. He was sitting at the table the whole time.
You mean that guy in the black dress?
Old Butt-head
That old wuss robbed a store?
MJMale Juror
No, that's the judge. The defendant robbed the store.
Old Butt-head
Oh. Well the defendant kicks ass.
[after Beavis and Butt-head vote "not guilty"]
LJLead Juror
What do you mean he's not guilty?
Old Butt-head
Uh, I'm gonna like, vote for him, 'cause he's like, cool.
Yeah, yeah, 'cause he did all those cool crimes. You guys saw it.
LJLead Juror
So, you believe he did the crimes.
Old Butt-head
They were cool.
LJLead Juror
So then, that means he's guilty.
Old Butt-head
That's your opinion, ma'am.
LJLead Juror
Wh-what are you saying?
Old Butt-head
Uh, what I'm saying is this guy's cool. He did kick-ass crimes.
Yeah, he was brave. I'd like to see any of you try those cool crimes.
LJLead Juror
But that's what the word "guilty" means. He did the crimes. So both of you are voting "guilty," right?
Boy, Butt-head, this lady just doesn't get it. Wow.
Old Butt-head
Yeah. I guess we're gonna be here a while.
Um, Butt-head? You're not gonna believe what my reflection looks like.
Butt-head
You're not gonna believe what my reflection looks like!
Did we just like, switch bodies?
Butt-head
Whoa! Maybe we did. Uh, okay let me try something. Do you think nachos taste good?
Butt-head
Whoa! That's my thing!
Okay, let me think of one. Um, do you wanna score all the time?
Butt-head
I sure do.
Butt-head
Do you like cool things and you hate stuff that sucks?
Butt-head
It has happened. I'm Beavis, and you're Butt-head! I'm a dumbass!
[Glennis tosses a note to Beavis]
Butt-head
Let me see that, Beavis. Let's see her, hmm... [takes the note, which reads "I ❤️ U"]
Butt-head
Uh, it says I, and then she drew like, a butt, uh, and I think this is like, the bottom of a foot. Boy, she doesn't draw very good. So it says, "I kick you in the ass." She's gonna kick your ass, Beavis.
Wait a minute, she's gonna kick my ass? Really?
Butt-head
She couldn't have said it any simpler, Beavis.
Do you think she can kick my ass?
Butt-head
She sure can, Beavis. She's a weirdo, just like you. She's got weirdo strength.
[grabbing a nacho chip which appears to have the face of Jesus] Whoa! Butt-head! Butt-head! Hey, check it out!
Butt-head
What?
In my chip, look! It's that guy!
Butt-head
What guy?
That guy, you know, the guy who's Jesus or... or like, Christ or something.
Butt-head
You dumbass, that's not Jesus. That's like, that hippie from the Beatles or something.
Shut up, Butt-head! It is a sign. A sign that Jesus has appeared in these nachos to help me score. Yeah.
Butt-head, check it out! It's another sign, see? Maybe to score, we have to go into that church and like, um, like sing Christmas songs or something.
Butt-head
Dammit Beavis, you're never gonna score if you keep acting weird.
No way, Butt-head, shut up! I'm tired of listening to you! From now on, I'm listening to Him.
Butt-head
Who?
The Lord. [points to a statue]
Butt-head
That's not the Lord, dumbass. That's that chick who never scored.
Butt-head
Quit being all weird. I'm gonna eat your magic chip, so you'll shut up.
TTravis
Welcome to our abstinence circle. Audrey, can you introduce us to your new friends?
AAudrey
Pastor Travis, Bobby and Broderick are excited to hear about sexual abstinence.
Butt-head
Excited to hear it, excited to do it.
Yeah, yeah! Sexual abbisonce! Boing-oing-oing-oing-oing!
TTravis
Yeah, yeah, cool. See, the culture and the media can give you a lot of BS about sex, right? But in here, we keep it real.
Yeah! Yeah! Exactly! I want it real! Right now!
Butt-head
Yeah.
TTravis
Right on, right on. Well, why don't we hear it from your peers? Who's ready to do a share?
YMYouth Member
I'll go. I was a little scared of abstinence at first. I wasn't sure I could do it.
Butt-head
We're here to support you.
YMYouth Member
Aw, thanks. But now, I feel filled up with joy.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, filled!
Butt-head
Yeah. Joy.
AAudrey
Yeah. Thanks to abstinence, now I can really get to know people deep down.
AAudrey
And the best part is, you're not alone. We're doing it with you.
Butt-head
That's the point, dumbass.
FCFemale Customer
What's this about you refusing to serve people?
Butt-head
Nothing could be further from the truth, ma'am. I'll have Beavis bring you everything from our entire menu.
I am servicing the right to reserve you.
Butt-head
Uh, and allow me to provide you a little entertainment. Check this out. [pointing to a couple other people in line] Uh, you, and uh, you over there. We reserve the right to refuse you service, unless you fight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, fight! Winner gets to eat, yeah.
Butt-head
And the loser shall be refused. That is our right, and we reserve it.
BCBulky Customer
This is bullshit. I'm not gonna hurt this guy for a lousy cheeseburger.
RCReserved Customer
Yeah, except, you know, you wouldn't hurt me.
Butt-head
Oooh! He just said he can kick your ass!
BCBulky Customer
You'll be on the floor in about five seconds!
RCReserved Customer
You wanna go?! YOU WANNA GO?!
[the two customers begin to fight each other]
Butt-head
Kick his ass.
[as Beavis exits a fitting room with yoga pants]
There we go, how do I look?
Butt-head
Uh, Beavis?
Butt-head
Uh, Beavis?
Yeah, I'd tap that. Yeah, oooh...
Butt-head
Uh, Beavis? It looks like you don't have any nads.
What? What are you talking about?
Butt-head
Or a schlong.
No way, Butt-head, my schlong is right- [notices that the incredibly tight yoga pants are concealing his genitals] AHHHHH!!! No, what happened to my nads?! I know they're in here, 'cause these pants are really making them hurt! [desperately trying to take the pants off]
Butt-head
Uh, you better take 'em off before any chicks see you, Beavis. That's embarrassing.
They won't come off, Butt-head! [collapses] My weiner's going numb! Ahhhh!
Butt-head
Just get a hold of yourself, Beavis. ... hold of yourself.
And then he told me that when you're on a camping trip, if someone's asleep and you put their hand in a bowl of warm water, they like, pee in their sleep.
Butt-head
Uh, really?
Yeah yeah yeah, like, right in their pants. It really works. They pee their pants, yeah.
[both chuckle until Butt-head gets an idea]
Butt-head
Are you feeling sleepy, Beavis?
Butt-head
Uh, wait here. [leaves, and is heard filling a bowl with water, which he returns with] Let me help you get comfortable, Beavis.
Butt-head
You can use this bag of potato chips as a pillow.
Oh, thank you. It's pretty cozy, yeah. [eats a chip] There's still some stuff in there, too. Yeah. Wow, good stuff.
Butt-head
[helping Beavis get comfortable] There we go, Beavis. You just relax.
You know, I think I will. Yeah. [lays down]
Butt-head
Nice deep breaths, Beavis.
Ahhh, I might just rest my eyes for a little bit, if that's okay.
Butt-head
You go right ahead, Beavis. Relax, deeper and deeper, way down. Count backwards from... uhhh, never mind that, Beavis. Just relax.
Okay... what a day. What a day... [relaxed sigh]
[Butt-head grabs the bowl, and Beavis's hand, and begins to drag it to the bowl]
[waking up and jerking his hand away] Hey! Are you trying to make me pee my pants?!
Butt-head
...perhaps.
Um, wait here. [leaves and fills a bowl, returning with it]
Butt-head
... Well played, Beavis.
We'll see who falls asleep first, Butt-head.
Butt-head
Yes we will, Beavis. Yes we will. We are playing the most dangerous game, and the loser pees their pants.
Today, we're talking about fossils, mmmkay? And a fossil, class, is really just another name for an ancient bone. [Beavis and Butt-head snicker uncontrollably] But what you may not know is that these boney messengers from the past can be found in our own backyard. Recently, not far from here, a Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton was found by amateur bone hunters.
Butt-head
Beavis' mom is an amateur bone hunter.
Shut up, Butt-head! That's not funny.
PPasserby
Did you make this?
Butt-head
Uh, yeah. This is Bonersaurus. Would you like to see it for two dollars?
PPasserby
[pays $2] Yes, we'd love to see it. Here you go.
Butt-head
Welcome to our museum. Hundreds of years ago, Bonersaurus walked the land, killing everything in sight, and scoring with chick dinosaurs.
Yeah, its name was Bonersaurus, which means "saurus that has a boner."
Butt-head
And this ends our tour. Please exit through the gift shop.
[after Beavis and Butt-head destroy Bonersaurus]
I guess the museum's closed, Butt-head.
Butt-head
The age of the mighty Bonersaurus is over. Perhaps in a hundred years, people will find these bones and say, "Once long ago, there was a dinosaur that had a boner or something." I don't know. This is stupid. Why did we even do this?
Makes you think. It really makes you think.
[as Beavis and Butt-head reach enlightenment]
Butt-head
Uh, whoa! I think we like, left our bodies, or something.
Butt-head
Yeah, mine too. It never scored.
Beavis and Butt-Head · 2,204 quotes