Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

Uh, where are we?

Beavis

I think it's like, Arizona or something.

Greetings travelers, and welcome to enlightenment. I am the Buddha.

Butt-head

Uh, okay.

Let me introduce you to the others who are here. Ganesh...

So few humans make it here. Welcome.

Jesus...

Bless you, my children.

Zeus...

Kudos.

And uh... Bill Gates.

Hi! I've been mediating for five years.

He also donated a lot of money to some Buddhist nonprofits.

This place is neat, huh?

A lot of money...

Butt-head

Uh, I think there's like, a strip club around here, and I think we can get in if we act all, like, mature. [chortling] Mature...

Beavis

Do they have poles?

Butt-head

It's a strip club, dumbass. They all have poles, and like, machines that make it rain, and uh... [sees a Polling Place] Whoa! Check it out, Beavis! Pole-ing Palace. Polling Palace!

Beavis

Yeah, cool! This must be it, yeah!

Butt-head

Beavis, we're about to get all up in the club.

Beavis

Boing-oing-oing-oing!

Beavis

There sure is a big line.

Butt-head

Everyone likes pole dancers, Beavis. Even these old perverts.

Beavis

Yeah, look at all these freaks. There oughta be a law, you know what I'm saying?

[turns to look at them] Good to see you young folks at the polls. Is this your first time?

Beavis

Yeah yeah, but um, we've been intsrested in this stuff for a long time.

Butt-head

Yeah. We're like really into it.

Well good for you, boys. I wasn't interested in any of this stuff until Ronald Reagan.

Butt-head

Oh yeah? Is she a slut?

Beavis

Yeah yeah, I bet Ronald Reagan has big hooters, yeah!

Butt-head

I bet she's in there, shaking her butt.

Beavis

Yeah, shake that ass, Reagan! Yeah! Show me what you're working with, yeah!

[checking on Beavis and Butt-head in the booth] Hello, you two.

Butt-head

Uh, we didn't come here for small talk.

Beavis

Time to get down to business, yeah.

Did you fill out the ballot slip, and put it on the box?

Butt-head

We sure did.

Beavis

Yeah, and now it's your turn. Come on now.

So congratulations, you've successfully voted.

Beavis

Um, we what?

If you filled out your ballot, and then put it in that box, then you voted.

Butt-head

Yeah, for a stripper.

Look, I didn't think she was a great candidate either, but she's better than the one we've got.

Butt-head

[after making Beavis look old] Okay, now go in there, and buy beer.

It's time to go. The bus is leaving.

Beavis

I just have to get some beer, or something.

We have to get on the bus.

Beavis

Um, oh okay, yeah. I guess that's pretty cool. [helped aboard by the driver] Thank you, son. Ahh, my back...

Butt-head

[chuckling] Beavis is gone.

Butt-head

[helping Beavis back into the house] Uh, like watch your step.

Beavis

[straining] Yeah, thank you. Did I ever tell you about the time I almost scored?

Butt-head

You sure did, Beavis. You sure did.

Beavis

I almost scored... ah, my back...

Tom Anderson

You just let me know when you see a deer, son.

Beavis

[looking through the binoculars] Whoa, whoa! It's Butt-head!

Tom Anderson

Buck head? You see a buck's head? [takes aim at Butt-head, who is looking for the spent bullet]

Butt-head

That bullet better be around here somewhere, or I'm gonna kick Beavis' ass.

Tom Anderson

Oh, oh I see him! I see him right there in that brush! Real scrawny fella. [About to fire]

Butt-head

Uhh... [suddenly distracted by two deer mating with one another] Whoa! You can see his weiner! [moves just as Tom fires, scaring the deer away] They got tired of scoring.

Butt-head

Whoa! Mr. Anderson is like, scoring with a deer!

Beavis

Whoa, yeah! Deers are cool, yeah! Tap that ass!

Butt-head

Yeah. Let's shoot Mr. Anderson's truck.

My company wants to put in a new condo, with ground level retail, but we have to demolish this one first.

Old Beavis

Yeah, demolishing is cool, yeah.

It sure is. The city council's going to discuss this tonight. I hope I see you there to support the demolition.

Old Beavis

Yeah yeah, I got a sledgehammer. Should I bring that?

Old Butt-head

Uh, yeah we'll go to that. Can you buy us some beer?

How about I buy you a beer after you go to the meeting?

Old Beavis

Oh, that sounds good.

Old Butt-head

We're being bribed.

That concludes new business. The floor is now open to public comment. First on the list is Mr. Beavis.

You're up.

Old Beavis

[approaches the podium] Um, I'm Beavis, Your Honor, and um, I just wanna say I'm in favored of destroying this building that sucks. Yeah. [leaves to sit down] Uh, amen or something.

You've got three minutes and fifty seconds left.

Old Beavis

Oh, okay. [returns to the podium] Um, also, when you destroy it, I think you should burn it. Yeah, you know, with fire, yeah, and then you'll see how cool it is! Yeah, with fire! Yeah, and destroying it! And then it'll be so cool, we'll go destroy MORE buildings with FFFIRE, and then we'll destroy everything!!!

Old Butt-head

Yeah!

Old Beavis

We will just BURN...

3 Minutes and 35 Seconds Later

Old Beavis

... and then destroy trees, and rocks, and the schools! Yeah, yeah, the schools! They could throw rocks at the schools! And I just want to say, I think it's wrong for children to EVER have to go to school, because the children are our future, and um, and in conclusion, us, let's destroy this building with fire and bombs! Yeah! Looks like my time is up, thank you very much.

[clearly annoyed] Thank you, Mr. Beavis. Next is Mr... Buff-head. Please use your real names, people. You have four minutes.

Old Butt-head

[approaches the podium, and adjusts the microphone] Uh, I yield my time to Mr. Beavis.

Old Beavis

[immediately back at the podium] And then, destroy the sky!!! And the land!!! Destroy it all with FFFIRE! And then destroy the FIRE WITH FIRE!!! AND MORE FIRE!!!

Well, hello.

Butt-head

Uh, hello. We like, need some eggs.

Beavis

Yeah. A lot of them. Please, yeah.

Eggs? Of course. Happy to help.

Reminds me of the old days when a neighbor would ask for a cup of sugar.

Beavis

Okay, give us a cup of sugar too.

Hello.

Butt-head

Uh, we need toilet paper.

Sure, boys. Always happy to help a neighbor.

Beavis

Yeah, um, and we need a lot because um, I poop too much.

Butt-head

He sure does.

Beavis

Butt-head, where are we?

Butt-head

Uhh, wait a second. Here's some words. [they approach a sign that reads "Department of Sanitation"] Uh... De... De-deb... Deborah-ment...

Beavis

Saint... boobs or something...

Butt-head

Deeb... uh...

Beavis

Boob.

Butt-head

Apartment of Sa...

Beavis

Boobs!

Butt-head

Sata... Satan.

Beavis

Whoa!

Butt-head

Beavis, this is the apartment of Satan! Do you know what this means?

Beavis

Uh, no.

Butt-head

We have died, and this... is Hell.

Beavis

Whoa, really? Yes!

Butt-head

Yes!

Butt-head

[taking Beavis to the hospital] Uh, Beavis really hurt his testicoils or something, and I think he needs some pills, like, stat or something.

We'll have a doctor take a look. Has he been in pain long?

Beavis

Uh, not really. Maybe a week? [Beavis passes out]

Oh my gosh! What happened?

Butt-head

Uh, we don't really know.

Beavis

Hey,Butt-head, check this out. [throws his slurpee on top of a convenience store]

Butt-head

That was cool, Beavis! Take a bow.

Beavis

Uh, what?

Butt-head

I said take a bow. [smacks Beavis's groin]

Beavis

Ahhh! See that's cool, 'cause you were like, "Take a bow," and then you hit me in the nads, and then I had to bend over like I'm bowing, yeah.

Butt-head

That's right, Beavis. You figured it out. Take a bow. [hits him again]

Beavis

Ahh! Oh yeah yeah yeah, I get it now...

Butt-head

Well, you're a good sport for playing.

Beavis

Oh yeah, thanks-

Butt-head

Take a bow. [begins hitting him repeatedly in the groin, causing extreme pain for Beavis]

Butt-head

It is a mystery.

Butt-head

[as Beavis awakens in the hospital] You're awake. Good job.

Beavis

[covering his groin] No no! [nothing happens] No, wait... aren't you gonna smack my nads?

Butt-head

Not until you're better, Beavis.

Beavis

Oh, okay, cool. Thanks, yeah...

Butt-head

... Are you better?

Beavis

Not yet. I think they're like, giving me fluids...

Butt-head

Fluids. [both cackle]

Keep it down, I'm trying to sleep!

Butt-head

Shut up, buttmunch. This guy's balls are all messed up. If this wasn't a hospital, I'd make you take a bow.