Beavis and Butt-Head · Season 9, Episode 19
“Spiritual Journey” · Season 9, Episode 19
In this episode: Smart Beavis (4), Smart Butt-head (3)
[grabbing a nacho chip which appears to have the face of Jesus] Whoa! Butt-head! Butt-head! Hey, check it out!
What?
In my chip, look! It's that guy!
What guy?
That guy, you know, the guy who's Jesus or... or like, Christ or something.
You dumbass, that's not Jesus. That's like, that hippie from the Beatles or something.
Shut up, Butt-head! It is a sign. A sign that Jesus has appeared in these nachos to help me score. Yeah.
Butt-head, check it out! It's another sign, see? Maybe to score, we have to go into that church and like, um, like sing Christmas songs or something.
Dammit Beavis, you're never gonna score if you keep acting weird.
No way, Butt-head, shut up! I'm tired of listening to you! From now on, I'm listening to Him.
Who?
The Lord. [points to a statue]
That's not the Lord, dumbass. That's that chick who never scored.
No way, that's him.
Quit being all weird. I'm gonna eat your magic chip, so you'll shut up.
So um, Father? I was at one of your other branches and um, couldn't really understand what the guy was saying. And um, I just have some questions about Jesus.
Jews actually don't believe in Jesus as the Messiah. Our religion teaches that the Messiah has not yet come.
Yeah, oh yeah. I see. So um, so what does Jesus want me to do? Like, how do I get him to use his magic powers?
Again, as a Jew, Jesus is not part of my faith.
Oh. Oh yeah yeah. Hey, wow, um... so how tall was Jesus, you think?
That's a good question. But I think it's probably better posed to someone of the Christian faith. But I'd love to answer any questions you have about Judaism.
Oh, okay, yeah yeah, I understand. So is it weird for Jesus that he has the same name as the Christmas baby?
That's not really a question about Judaism.
Oh right right. So, Your Honor, um, it's cool if you say no, and don't get mad, but is it okay if I ask you a question that's not about Jesus?
Yes.
Oh, okay. Yeah, it would have been nice to know that before, you know. But anyway, is there a guy inside Iron Man?
[takes a deep breath] Okay, Stark Industries was founded in 1939 by Howard Stark, Tony Stark's father...
Uh-huh.
...and it quickly grows to be the biggest high-tech arms manufacturer on the planet.
Huh?
When Tony Stark takes over as CEO, he gets kidnapped in Afghanistan. Let me show you where that is on the map.
Oh boy...
So, Tony's gonna have to invent an arc reactor...
This sucks.
Welcome to our abstinence circle. Audrey, can you introduce us to your new friends?
Pastor Travis, Bobby and Broderick are excited to hear about sexual abstinence.
Excited to hear it, excited to do it.
Yeah, yeah! Sexual abbisonce! Boing-oing-oing-oing-oing!
Yeah, yeah, cool. See, the culture and the media can give you a lot of BS about sex, right? But in here, we keep it real.
Yeah! Yeah! Exactly! I want it real! Right now!
Yeah.
Right on, right on. Well, why don't we hear it from your peers? Who's ready to do a share?
I'll go. I was a little scared of abstinence at first. I wasn't sure I could do it.
We're here to support you.
Aw, thanks. But now, I feel filled up with joy.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, filled!
Yeah. Joy.
Yeah. Thanks to abstinence, now I can really get to know people deep down.
Yeah, deep down, yeah!
And the best part is, you're not alone. We're doing it with you.
That's the point, dumbass.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Beavis and Butt-Head pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
