Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

Uh, hello sir. We wanna like, swim and show off our guns.

Beavis

Yeah, let us in.

Sorry. You're banned.

Beavis

Can I just come in and take a whiz real quick?

No.

Butt-head

[they start climbing a tree to chase a raccoon] No one takes my nachos and gets away with it.

Beavis

Yup. Time to kick some ass.

Butt-head

You can run, but you can't hide, dumbass!

Beavis

... This tree feels kind of funny on my schlong.

Butt-head

They call it wood for a reason, Beavis. [they reach the top with the raccoon] There's no escape now. Prepare to have your ass shoved up your- [the Raccoon easily hops down and away from them] Uh... oh. I see.

Beavis

Um, Butt-head, the bears are going into our house.

Butt-head

Dammit, we gotta climb down there now.

Beavis

Um, yeah maybe later. Remember that thing I said on the way up about the tree feeling funny on my schlong? Um, I might just wanna stay here a while, you know what I'm saying?

Butt-head

Beavis, you prevert, get out of the way now! Perv out with the tree on your own time, we gotta fight those bears! [begins kicking Beavis] Ah! Come on, Butt-head, come on! Just five more minutes, come on!

Butt-head

Damn you, Beavis!

Beavis

I'm almost-

Beavis

[climbs down and kicks Butt-head] Damn it, Butt-head, you ruined it.

Okay, this is our eighth session, to try to improve your behavior, and if anything, Butt-head's aggression is getting worse.

Butt-head

Uh, it's the same.

I'm going to say therapy isn't working is time to try medication.

Butt-head

Yeah. Give him some pills.

Beavis

So like, do those pills like, make you feel different or something?

Butt-head

Uhh, no. But thank you for asking.

Beavis

Oh uh, yeah, okay yeah. God bless you, or... I don't know. This show sucks.

Butt-head

I guess it does, but other people probably enjoy it. Nothing wrong with that.

Beavis

Oh, uh... okay. I guess that's true. But it does kinda suck, Butt-head.

Butt-head

[handing Beavis the remote] We can watch what you want, Beavis. Anything you wanna do is fine.

Beavis

[changes the channel] This is pretty cool. Yeah. This is better.

Butt-head

Well, I'm glad you're enjoying it, Beavis. I like when you enjoy yourself.

Van Driessen

Okay, everyone please focus, m'kay? Class is almost over and I'm just trying to squeeze in Uranus.

Beavis

[chuckling hard, but notices Butt-head isn't laughing] Uh, Butt-head?

Butt-head

Hmm?

Beavis

Van Driessen, he kind of said, "I just wanna squeeze in-"

Butt-head

Beavis, Mr. Van Driessen is trying hard to squeeze in Uranus, okay?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah exactly-

Butt-head

Let's try to give him our attention.

Beavis

Yeah, but...

Butt-head

[writing notes] Ah, I'm glad I brought a nice, sharp pencil for Uranus.

Beavis

Come on, Butt-head, what's going on?

Butt-head

Nothing, Beavis. This is the perfect pencil for Uranus.

Old Beavis

Um, Butt-head, we're out of beers, Butt-head.

Old Butt-head

Uh, well go get some more, dumbass.

Old Beavis

I'm out of money.

Old Butt-head

So go give some more blood.

Old Beavis

Um, I went twice already this morning. They won't take my blood anymore, because they said it's too watery. Then I passed out, and some guy stole my cookie. I guess we need to like, get jobs or something.

Old Butt-head

Being unemployed is our job, dumbass. They send us money.

Old Beavis

Okay, time to get your self-steam. Time to meet the dillhole who can't take care of himself. Wonder what he looks like. Here we go. [Knocks on door only to be greeted by Butt-head]

Old Butt-head

Uh, what are you knocking for, dumbass? I thought you were the butthole the government sent.

Old Beavis

What butthole?

Old Butt-head

The social worker called and asked if I needed help, 'cause the neighbors complained.

Old Beavis

Whoa, really?

Old Butt-head

I pretended I was a fat dumbass who never gets off his couch, and he believed me.

Old Butt-head

Now fix me lunch.

Old Beavis

Is that part of my job?

Old Butt-head

I was told it was.

Old Beavis

[sigh] Okay, Butt-head.

Old Butt-head

Mr. Butt-head.

Old Beavis

I'm not gonna call you Mr. Butt-head, Butt-head.

Old Butt-head

I don't wanna have to report you, Beavis. Want me to get you fired?

Old Beavis

Well, um, no, Mr. Butt-head.

Old Butt-head

If I get you fired, then we don't have any money. I'm doing this for us.

Old Beavis

Dammit... self-steam sucks.

[to a passerby] This is our most advanced VR glasses yet with almost no latency. Try them on, and you truly feel like you're going inside the video game.

Butt-head

Whoa! Did you hear that, Beavis?

Beavis

Oh yeah yeah, he said "feel like you're going inside."

Butt-head

Uh, no, dumbass. He said those glasses make you feel like you're going inside a video game. Let's try 'em, Beavis.

Beavis

I've always wanted to like, go inside a video game and eat some coins, and kick Luigi in the nads. Yeah. That would be cool.

Beavis

Butt-head? What are we supposed to do in this game?

Butt-head

You dumbass, don't you know anything about video games? We're supposed to like, go find some weapons, and then at the end of the level, we kill a boss.

Beavis

Oh, yeah yeah.

Butt-head

I think we need to like, talk to some NPCs. [they approach a tea salesman]

Hi, would you like to try our blueberry mint tea?

Butt-head

No. Can you like, give us a mission?

Beavis

Yeah, because we just started this game, and we need like, a flamethrower or something.

What?

Butt-head

We need a mission, dumbass! Is there like, someone we can kill, and then you'll give us a sword, or something?

Can you guys go do this somewhere else? You can't just come up to people trying to-

Butt-head

Is there like, a button to press so we can skip him talking?

You can't just come up to people trying to do their job and just start saying weird-

Beavis

Hey, come on! Skip! Skip! It's not working, Butt-head.

I don't wanna have to call security, that's not what I'm about, you know, man?

Beavis

Skip! Come on, skip! This interaction sucks.

Butt-head

Let's go find a flamethrower so we can come back and blow him up.

Beavis

[mockingly] "I don't wanna have to call security, that's not what I'm about. Bleh bleh."

Butt-head

[walking home] So like, uh, what should we do when we get home?

Beavis

Let me see, um, hey let's watch TV!

Butt-head

Uh, oh yeah! That's a good idea. This is gonna be cool. [approaches the door, only to find it locked]

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. TV!

Butt-head

Uh, it won't open.

Beavis

Why not?

Butt-head

Uh, I don't know.

Beavis

Uh, oh! Maybe it's because I locked it.

Butt-head

Damn it, Beavis, why did you do that?

Beavis

Well I watched a movie about a ghost, and I got scared.

Butt-head

What movie?

Beavis

It's called Ghost. Yeah. Really scary.

Butt-head

Uh, do you have a key?

Beavis

No.

Butt-head

So how are we supposed to get in?

Beavis

I figured we could just knock. You know, one of us is usually there, you know?

Butt-head

Uhh, we're both out here, Beavis.

Beavis

Ohhh, yeah yeah. I'll be damned.

Old Butt-head

Beavis, it's been two days. I've peed 31 times.

Old Beavis

Yeah, well, I tricked you, butthole! Now I'll never have to pee, because when you were asleep, I put a chip clip on my wiener. I win! I finally beat you at something. Yeah! [both of his kidneys burst] AAAAAH!!! Ah, my kidneys!

We found a match! There's only one in the entire state, and by God, we found him!

Is he willing to donate?

He drove himself two hours to get here, and he says he wants to help Mr. Beavis any way he can. In fact, he says he knows the both of you.

Hey guys! It's me, Stewart! Remember me?

Old Butt-head

Uhhh, no.

Stewart, your best buddy from high school!

Old Butt-head

Oh yeah. That sucks.

Ha, you guys. The three amigos are back.

Old Beavis

Jesus Christ, Stewart, not now. I'm waiting for some guy both of us know to give me a kidney.

N-no, this is your donor.

Old Butt-head

A part of Stewart's going inside you.

Old Beavis

Oh no...

Tom Anderson

Yeah, the American pesticides don't work anymore, because of the goddamn hippie environmentalists, so I drove down to Mexico and got some good, old fashioned DDT. It's getting so Mexico is the only place you can be an American anymore. Yeah, just don't touch it now, it's real poisonous. [leaves]

Beavis

What is that stuff?

Butt-head

Uh, well let's see. That says something in Spanish, uh, and that's a fly. Whoa! Spanish, fly. This is Spanish fly!

Beavis

Ummm, what's that?

Butt-head

That's like, a after-disiac. It like, makes people who drink it wanna score.

Beavis

Yeah but, but I already wanna score.

Butt-head

So do I, Beavis, but wouldn't it be a better world if everyone was like us?

Beavis

Oh, yeah yeah. Then everyone would be scoring all the time! Yeah.

Butt-head

Beavis, we could make the world a better place.

Butt-head

Just look at all those people, Beavis. They have no idea that tonight, they shall score. This is the most nicest thing we have ever done.

Beavis

I don't even need anyone to thank us, yeah. Just feels good to do it, you know?

Butt-head

That's right, Beavis. Everyone having sex with each other right here in the gym will be its own reward.

Beavis

Yeah yeah, this is the true meaning of Christmas.