Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

Err...

Beavis

Yeah! Your loins, your liver!

There's plenty more inside.

I am Cornholio; I need T.P. for my bunghole. I want all your crappuccino!

Butt-head

Do it, brother Beavis!

Are you threatening me!? You do not want to face the wrath of my bunghole! My bunghole it goes bungo chungo rungo raaaaapapapapapapa! And one for you! Rrrrpagh!

Butt-head

  Whoa, check it out.

Beavis

  Yeah.

Butt-head

  Whoa.  I've got something to give her.

Beavis

  Yeah.

  Did you like my poem?

Butt-head

  Uh…your what?

Beavis

  Yeah, yeah!  Your loins, your liver!

  There's plenty more inside.

Butt-head

  Cool.

  [on stage]  "And then, my friend, you die.  [louder]  And then, my friend, you die, man!  And then… [gasps] …my friend."

Beavis

  You die!  Yeah.

  Thank you.

Butt-head

  That was cool.

  Thank you, Omar.  Is there anyone who'd like to read now?  Any new blood?

Butt-head

  [to Beavis]  Check this out.  [to everyone]  Uh…I got some rhymes for the house.

  What's your name, young brother?

Butt-head

  Uh…Butt-head.

  Cool.  Let's groove for a while with Butt-head.

Butt-head

  Yeah.

Butt-head

  Groove with me, people.  [chuckles]  This is gonna be cool.

Beavis

  [walks up to a male beatnik at a table]  Um…I'm just gonna sit here, yeah.

  Yeah, man, take a load off.

Beavis

  [chuckles]  Take a load.

Butt-head

  Check this out.  Uh…there once was a man from Venus, with a rocket ship for a…a…wiener.

Beavis

  Yeah, yeah!  [pounds table]

Butt-head

  Uh…okay.  Here's—

  [to Beavis and male beatnik]  Hi, what can I bring you guys?

Beavis

  Um…

Butt-head

  [in background]  Here I sit—

  Uh, yeah, get me a triple amaretto cappuccino, low on the foam, a double shot, and bring the man here one, too, right?

Butt-head

  The phone is ringing, and I cannot linger.  So, look out, butt, here comes my finger.  [audience groans]  And then, my friend, you die.

Beavis

  Yeah, yeah!  You die!  [pounds table]

Butt-head

  That was cool.

Beavis

  Um…um…

  Try it, man, come on.  It's—it's cappuccino.

Beavis

  [chuckles]  Crappuccino?  Crappuccino.  [chuckles]  Yeah.  [takes a sip]

Butt-head

  [in background]  Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha.

  Yeah, copasetic, dialectic.

Beavis

  Wahhh!  Copasetic, copasetic!  Gimme that.  [snatches other drink and downs it]

Butt-head

  [in background]  This is a pee-pee—no.

  Hi, more cappuccino?

Beavis

  I need crappuccino for my bunghole!  Gimme that!  [chittering; snatches coffee pot from waiter and drinks it all]

Butt-head

  [in background]  Uh, I'll tell that one later.  [Beavis speaks gibberish]  There once was a lady from China, with a popsicle in her—

  [pulls microphone away from Butt-head as the feedback whines]  Thanks, thanks, kid.  That was organic.  Let's give someone else a shot at the mic.

Beavis

  [has his shirt over his head, jumps up from table; chittering] I am Cornholio!  My bunghole will speak now!  [runs into another table]  Ah, hey.  Are you threatening me?  I must have more crappuccino for my bunghole.  [snatches drink]  Bungholio, bungholio.  [slurping]

Beavis

  [onstage, gibbering incoherently]  I am Cornholio!  I need t.p. for my bunghole!  I want all your crappuccino!

Butt-head

  [sitting at table with male beatnik and another man]  Do it, brother Beavis.

Beavis

  Are you threatening me?!  You do not want to face the wrath of my bunghole.  My bunghole, it goes bungo.  Tungo, tungo, tungo.  Tungo!  Rap-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.  And one for you.  Parrrrr!  [gulps]

  [to Butt-head]  Hi, I run the multicultural poetry program at the university.  Your friend is, uh, unusual.  What is he?  Hispanic?  Russian?

Butt-head

  Uh…yeah.  He's Russian.  [chuckles]

  Uh…hmm.  Amazing energy.  I'd love to see his portfolio.

Beavis

  Portfolio?  Holio, holio!  Arriba, arriba, yeah.  I come from Lake Titicaca.

  Hey, man, you've been holding out on us.  Where'd you get all those crazy rhymes?

Beavis

  Would you like to see my portfoilo?  I have a portfolio in my bunghole with my oleo.

  Wow, this is ground-breaking stuff, man.

Beavis

  [gibbering]

Being in the captivity of nature without women is the perfect way to wrestle with your manhood.

Butt-head

Beavis wrestles with his manhood.

Beavis

Yeah, heh, I usually win.

Beavis

[beats drum] Woah, that was pretty cool. [beats the drum and laughs, getting progressively faster]

Okay Beavis, now let that wild man within put his feelings into words.

Beavis

Yeah, hehe, it's like, it's like, I wanna check out chicks' thingies! I wanna see their thingies! But they won't let me! And that just makes me wanna check them out even more!

We feel your male pain.

Beavis

I feel like I'm never gonna score! And chicks don't wanna talk to me! Like, I wanna go up and say ‘Hey baby how's it goin?' heh. And then just like, they just go away! And then they slap me!

I can identify with that….I guess.

Beavis

And sometimes I just wanna like, get a big bulldozer and I just wanna like, bulldoze the walls to the girls' locker room! That way I can see their boobs!

Butt-head

That would be cool.

Beavis

It's like I know they're naked inside there, and I just can't stand it! And then, and then I wanna take the bulldozer and like, I wanna bulldoze the cafeteria too! And then the library! Destroy all the books! Eheheheheh, and then I wanna go to the principal's office, and bulldoze the principal's office too! EHEHEHEH!

I think someone's inner warrior needs to go back to basic training...

Beavis

Things will never turn out they way they-!

[interrupting] Maybe you need professional help, Beavis. [reaches over to get the drum back]

Beavis

[beats his hand away] NEVER!

Someone take that damn drum away from him!

What the hell are you teaching these kids of yours anyway?

You know, the guys at the gym were right, you ARE a pantywaist.

And you said this was the way to recapture the spirit of Woodstock? Woodstock my ass!

Beavis

[beating the drum each time he says it] Naked boobs, naked boobs, naked boobs!

Hey, you punks! Quit jumping on my bells, or I'll give you something to jump about.

Butt-head

Did he say "Quit jumping on my balls?"

Beavis

QUIT JUMPING ON MY BALLS!

Look, I'll give you this bottle to break out back if stop distracting my customers.

You pre-schoolers are dead! You made me spill beer all over my jeans!

Butt-head

Do you want me to kick Beavis' ass for you?

That won't be necessary, man.

Butt-head, perhaps you see a part of yourself in Michael.

Butt-head

Yeah, my butt.

And Beavis, is that what you feel?

Butt-head

Beavis feels himself.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! Heh, I'll kick your ass!

Beavis

Hey, Butt-head. I bet if we had a bomb, Pantera would hang out with us.

Butt-Head

Yeah. We could make 'em hang out with us.

Butt-Head

Heh heh heh heh, "wood."

Beavis

Heh heh, "boner!"

Butt-head

[About the place where the guy killed his brother]It was your idea in the first place, buttknocker.

Beavis

Hey don't call me "buttknocker" butt-head.

Butt-head

Turn on the lights, buttknocker. I can't see anything!

Beavis

[Angrily] Stop calling me "buttknocker"!

Butt-head

Beavis, you buttmunch, turn on the light before I kick your ass!

Beavis

[Calmly] Okay. That's better. [Switches the lamp on]

Butt-head

[Scoping the living room, which resembles their own living room] This is cool... So,uh... where do you think he killed him?

Beavis

Hmm, let's see. It looks like he fell. I'd have to say he died right about here. [Points to an outline of the victim's lying position] Yeah, yeah.

Butt-head

Oh, yeah.

Beavis

Whoa! [Walks toward tire iron] Check out this thing. [Picks up tire iron] I bet he hit him with this.

Butt-head

Don't be stupid, Beavis. That's for, like, changing tires and stuff.

Beavis

Oh, yeah. [Throws tire iron right next to the lamp table] Whoa. [Spots a TV remote and picks it up] Hey, I got the remote. Let's see what's on TV.

Butt-head

Beavis, I told you I wasn't gonna let you touch the remote anymore. [Makes an unsuccessful grab for the remote] Now, give me that, buttknocker!

Beavis

No way, and stop calling me "buttknocker"!

Butt-head

[Climbs toward Beavis] Give it here, before I kick your buttknockering ass! [Manages to grip the remote with Beavis still holding it, before they drop it on the floor]

Beavis

Stop calling me that, Butt-head! [Punches Butt-head twice in the stomach] Stop it!

Butt-head

[Knees Beavis in the groin] Buttknocker!

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! Shut up!! [Growls uncontrollably, Beavis and Butt-head fall behind couch] I'm gonna kill you, Butt-head!! I swear to God, I'm gonna kill you!!!

Butt-head

[knocks lamp over] Oh, yeah? [Throws punch at Beavis, most likely his head] You and what other buttknockers?

Beavis

[Beavis and Butt-head fall on the couch, then the floor] Shut up, Butt-head!!

Butt-head

Buttknocker...

Beavis

SHUT UP!

Butt-head

Buttknocker...

Beavis

STOP IT!

Butt-head

Buttknocker...

Beavis

I'LL KILL YOU!!!

[Barges in] GET HIM!

Beavis

YOU SON OF A BITCH!! [Growls uncontrollably, then gets apprehended by the officers] Come on! Let me go! I'm gonna kill Butt-head! I'm gonna kill him! [Growls uncontrollably]

Butt-head

[Watches as Beavis is taken away] That was cool. [Laughs in lower pitch than normal] Uh huh huh huh.

Butt-Head

Hey Beavis, huh huh huh. If you like, abstract a chick, huh huh huh, then I can like, stick it in her taco! Huh huh huh.

Beavis

Heh heh heh m heh No way, Butt-Head! We have to like, give her the Spanish Fly first!

Butt-Head

What the hell do you think I'm talking about, butt plug?!?!

Beavis

Um, I uh, oh yeah, yeah heh heh heh m heh...